


Unforgivable

by HideTheDecay



Series: Unforgivable Series [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-05-18 04:15:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 66,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14845523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HideTheDecay/pseuds/HideTheDecay
Summary: “You’ll be alright.” He assured him again. Perhaps he was assuring himself more than he was Fenris. Fenris had survived as a slave before and he didn’t doubt that he would do fine a second time. Especially if his memory was erased again and he forgot all about freedom. All about Anders, especially.





	1. Chapter 1

“It’s quiet out here.” Fenris observed under his breath, feeling a bit uneasy. They’d been walking along the coast beside the village they’d been scoping out for hours and they still hadn’t found this cave that the pirates they were searching for were supposed to be meeting in. Hawke had asked him to join him on this mission to eavesdrop on a meeting a group of pirates would be holding so they could figure out what coastal village they planned to raid next. He’d accepted without question, all the more understanding why he’d wanted to bring a warrior along when they reached this village and it was teeming with bandits. But Hawke had seemed convinced they could find this cave and set up a good vantage point to listen in well before this meeting that would occur at sunset. But the daylight was fading quickly and all of the cliff faces were entirely smooth without a cave in sight. Besides that, he was unsettled by just how deserted this beach was. If this was were pirates were congregating, shouldn’t there be someone out here?

“Yeah.” Hawke agreed, sounding just as uneasy but for entirely different reasons. Fenris was catching on that something was wrong and it was time to make his move. This had been in the works for months - secret correspondence to Tevinter, setting up this ruse of a mission, making sure he could isolate the warrior so only the two of them would be out here. It had all felt right when he’d been putting everything in motion. His eye had been on the bigger picture - having Anders to himself. They’d always had feelings for each other and he didn’t doubt they were still there. He knew the healer was all caught up in his relationship with Fenris, but Hawke knew that ultimately he was the better man for him. Still, the elf was his friend and now that the time had come, he found it was harder than he imagined to betray him. Even if he wanted to turn back now, it was much, much too late.

The rogue let himself fall behind Fenris just a step, waiting until the warrior was distracted looking at the cliffs up ahead to pull the small knife he’d been hiding in his bracer. He knew he couldn’t hesitate and so he quickly used his moment to slice the blade into an exposed part of Fenris’ arm, leaving a small, clean line almost as shallow as a scratch.

The cut seemed to startle Fenris more than hurt him, making him take a quick step away, his hand moving to cup the cut protectively. “Ow, what the hell was that for?” He asked, turning to see the small blade in Hawke’s hand. His brows raised, not sure what to make of the sight as the rogue wiped off the blade and tucked it away.

“I’m sorry.” Hawke said, deep and genuine apology in his tone. “Come on, let’s walk a little further.” He started forward again, glad that the bewildered elf followed him.

“Hawke?” Fenris was trying to get in front of him, wanting to stop the rogue. “Hawke, what was that? Why did you do that?” Had it been some weird charm magic that had made his friend take out a knife and cut him? It was a weak charm if it was, he’d hardly given him a scratch.

He stepped around Fenris with ease, pushing forward. “We have to hurry now. It’s right up ahead.” Hawke pointed to a place where the cliffs jutted forward, obscuring the view of the beach beyond it. He tried to quicken the pace, but already he noticed the elf struggling to keep up with him. He took Fenris by the arm, tugging him along. “I’m really sorry, Fenris. You were always my friend. I want you to know that.”

What the hell was he talking about? And why the hell were his legs so heavy? He tried to bring them to a halt when Hawke took hold of him, but the rogue just kept pulling him forward. His legs were quickly becoming rubbery and he was stumbling trying to keep up with him. His head was growing heavy as well and he had an overwhelming urge to sit down to try to catch his breath. He was about to tell Hawke that he needed to do just that when he began to realize just what was happening. “...Did you drug me?”

“It’s just a sedative, you’ll be alright. I’m sorry.” Hawke had hoped Fenris would just drop without realizing what was on the blade. That he’d just wake up on a ship with everything done and over with.

Fenris put all of his weight into trying to stop them now, needing answers and needing them immediately. “Hawke, what is this? Why would you -?” He did manage to bring them to a stop before he finished his question, but only because his legs had given out. He’d dropped heavily into the sand, using his free hand to prop himself up so he wouldn’t collapse entirely. He didn’t even see the men moving toward them from where they’d been waiting beyond the jutting cliff. He only had eyes for the rogue who had done this to him.

“You’ll be alright.” He assured him again. Perhaps he was assuring himself more than he was Fenris. Fenris had survived as a slave before and he didn’t doubt that he would do fine a second time. Especially if his memory was erased again and he forgot all about freedom. All about Anders, especially.

By the time the men reached them, Fenris was lying flat on his back. He couldn’t feel his limbs. He could feel the heaviness of his eyes and the way his heart and his breathing were slowing. He was supposed to go to sleep. Part of him wanted to. But he fought it hard, feeding on the fear all of this brought on him to quicken his pulse and keep him alert. “That’s him.” One of the men said after hardly giving Fenris a glance. He looked to Hawke. “Bring him, he’ll want to talk to you.”

Hawke nodded, his stomach heavy with guilt. He bent down and picked Fenris up, relieved when one of the men took it upon themselves to take the massive sword the elf had been carrying. He followed them around the cliff until they reached the rest of their crew, including a man in ornate robes. If he hadn’t been able to guess by sight alone, one glance down at Fenris’ horrified expression told him exactly who he was.

“So you do have my Fenris after all.” Danarius sounded pleasantly surprised, having already braced himself for having traveled all this way on a false report. He moved in closer, looking over the elf the way a man might look over a horse he was about to purchase. He took Fenris’ chin in his hand to inspect his face and he felt the elf do his best to jerk away, but he was so weak he only managed to put a little pressure on his fingers in his attempt to pull free from him. “You promised he’d be quiet when you brought him to me, but you’ve got my little wolf as gentle as a kitten.” He turned to one of the men nearby. “Give him some extra coin for that.”

Hawke saw the man adding to the already huge coinpurse he was carrying and had to swallow the lump in his throat before he could speak. “Instead of additional payment, could I make a request?” He really didn’t want any more of this man’s money. He wasn’t interested in selling his friend, even if that was exactly what he was doing. He’d use the money on a gift for Anders, which was only right after the grief he was about to cause him. “Could I keep his sword?”

Danarius raised a brow and looked to the sword being carried beside them. “That old thing? Certainly. I’ll have something new made for him when he’s earned back enough of my trust to hold a weapon again. Matthias, give him the extra coin as well as the sword.” The mage stepped back and clapped his hands, which prompted one of his guards to move in and take Fenris from Hawke’s arms and Matthias to hand over the coinpurse and the sword in his stead. “Thank you for returning him to me, ser. Should you ever need anything, you know how to reach me.” With that, Danarius started off toward the place where they’d docked their boat, his men quick to follow him. Hawke watched them carry off Fenris, desperately hoping that the elf was fast asleep. He wasn’t and he saw the piercing hateful and horrified look in the warrior’s eyes as they carried him away.

Hawke was shaking as he started back down the coast alone, trying to come to terms with just what he’d done. It was over. Fenris was gone and now Anders could be his. He’d comfort Anders through this and show him that he really was the right person for him. The hardest part was over and now he only had to finish setting up his alibi. The bandits that made their way out onto the coast at night were helpful in that, providing him with some wounds and staining Fenris’ sword with blood that Hawke would let dry so it would remain coated on the blade.

It took three days to walk home and by then, his wounds had become serious. One was deep and they were all growing infected, which was troublesome but also would help make his story all the more convincing. It was mid afternoon when he finally made it back to Kirkwall and he went straight to Anders’ clinic, knowing the mage would be hard at work there. Sure enough, there was already a patient on the table when the rogue stumbled his way into the clinic, but Hawke barged in just the same, holding tightly to his side and letting Fenris’ obscenely heavy sword clatter to the floor. “Anders…” He choked out, his voice hardly above a whisper.

\---

The sound of the sword hitting the ground startled the healer from his concentration and when his head snapped up to see who was there, his eyes widened. “Hawke?!” He saw the state of him and without giving his patient another glance, he hurried over to him, his gaze going straight to his side. He reached for the wound, settling his hand over it tentatively and feeling the heat from the festering infection. “Maker, Hawke, what happened to you?” He’d known they would be back today or possibly the next, if something had kept them, but he hadn’t expected them arrive in this state.

“Where’s Fenris? Is he hurt too?” His eyes lifted to to meet Hawke’s, his own questioning, but then they fell, recalling the sound that had caught his attention. They found the sword and he paused, staring at it for a few beats, taking it in as if he couldn’t wrap his head around it  -  the elf was sometimes without his sword, but when was the sword without the elf?

“Hawke, where’s Fenris?” he repeated with a quiet dread.

\---

He was expecting that question and he answered it the same way he’d answered Fenris’ questions on the beach. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He wheezed, starting to sink down to the floor. He was beyond exhausted and letting himself drop was a good way to try to dodge further questioning until he was ready.

\---

He stared at him, at a loss for words. Knowing what he was saying, but barely taking it in. He was sorry. He was here, Fenris wasn’t, and he was sorry. At first he didn’t react, staying completely still and watching him lower down in front of him. He was bad off and needed help, but all the the mage could do was stare at him, not really seeing him.

“Where is he?” His voice was quieter, barely audible. The dread was still there though, not accepting what this meant.

\---

“He’s gone.” His guilt came through in his tone, making his voice break, but it came off as sorrow. “Anders, I’m so sorry.” He let himself drop to his rear, leaning back against the wall to keep him from sinking all the way down to the floor. “I’m sorry…”

\---

“Hawke,” he voice was low, dangerous, even. “Where is he?” Why was his sword here, dragged along and thrown to the ground, but not him? “Where is Fenris?” Tears sprung at his eyes as it struck him what he was asking. He wasn’t asking where his lover was, he was asking where his body was.

\---

Hawke just shook his head. “They took his body. They only left his sword.” He moved his hand from his side, his palm bloodied as his makeshift bandages were soaked through. “I couldn’t stop them…” Not that he’d tried. But he was more than sure that if he’d tried to stop them, it would have ended in his death.

\---

It seemed to finally hit him. A hand lifted to his mouth, the back of it pressing to his lips as they parted and his face contorted. He turned away from him, from both of them, and took a few stumbling steps, before having to clutch at the closest thing to him - his desk - to keep from collapsing. He gripped the edges of it tightly, choking on the silence in his throat, completely quiet in his grief. It seemed as if he was going to empty his stomach from the way his chest convulsed, but he was having trouble breathing more than anything.

\---

He’d given him the news and now the grieving could begin. Grieving he’d be more than happy to help him through. “Anders…” He called to him weakly, hoping to distract him from the shock of this. “Anders, come here...please…”

\---

He heard the words, but they were little more than that. He was gone. He was gone and there wasn’t even a body for him to take comfort in. All that was left was that obnoxious sword. That sword that he had no right hauling around, slight as he was, but that he handled with such grace. “Oh Maker,” he choked, his strained voice inaudible even to him.

They’d taken him. He didn’t know who ‘they’ were, but they’d taken him from him. His Fenris. His beautiful elf.

\---

He could see that Anders wasn’t ready to acknowledge him again, too caught up in his grief. It was understandable - he knew how attached he was to the elf. Fenris was so wrong for Anders, yet somehow they’d been good together for years. He felt guilty, but getting rid of Fenris had been the only chance he’d get at having the mage to himself.

\---

He remained as he was for a time, knee deep in despair that weakened them to the point of uselessness. If it wasn’t for the table, he’d be on the floor. As it was, he managed to keep himself up and so when he finally gained enough control to turn around, he didn’t have to struggle to his feet.

He returned to Hawke, seeming steadier, and when he crouched in front of him, the anguish was gone from his expression. “Tell us who did this.” Justice hadn’t completely taken control, knowing that he couldn’t do that at a time like this, but he’d definitely forced it. He was right there, beneath the surface, using Anders’ need to know what happened to his advantage.

\---

“They took him on a ship. We were by a pirate cove, so maybe it was one of them…” He shook his head. “I don’t know why they didn’t take me too. Maybe they were sure I’d bleed out. But they took his body and they left. I couldn’t stop them…”

\---

A ship. A ship that, by now, was long gone. He didn’t react for a time, it was clear when the spirit’s influence left him, as his suddenly expression twisted, just like before. This time it was in full view of Hawke, right before him, his hands lifting to cover his mouth, pressing hard to dampen the sobs that time escaped him, now with substance behind them.

\---

Anders was close enough that Hawke was able to reach forward for him. His hands were weak, but he gripped him just the same and he tugged him him, trying to hold him. “I’m so sorry...I can’t believe he’s gone…” It had been so long in the making and now he really and truly was gone.

\---

He fell into him,simply because he as too weak and in no position to resist. He sobbed, but kept the sounds as muffled as possible, still in shock, but trying so hard to keep himself together. He didn’t know why, but it felt important. “Fenris,” he whined, when he had the voice to speak.

\---

“He was so brave, Anders.” He murmured to him, cradling him. Fenris hadn’t had a choice but to be brave, he hadn’t been able to move or speak. And truthfully, he’d looked terrified. But there was no need to tell Anders that.

\---

Hearing that was no comfort, even though he believed it. His warrior was brave. He didn’t respond, curled up and weeping against the rogue. He should have been there. He could have stopped this. He could have saved him, but he’d let him go off without him, thinking that he would be safe. It was his fault - he knew how dangerous what they did was, but he’d trusted them to be able to take care of themselves and he’d let them walk away.

He knew what could happen, but he’d let them go without him.

\---

The rogue cradled the healer, holding him as tight as he could while he was so weak. “I'm going to help you through this. We all will. He'd want me to look after you. He wasn't...he wasn't able to say anything, but I know he would have told me to look after you.”

\---

There was no comfort to be found in the words, or even in touch, but if he had been alone, he didn’t know where he would be. He remained as he was for a long time, crying his heart out, but eventually he had to draw back. When he did, he became aware of all of Hawke’s injuries once more.

“You’re hurt.“ As if this was a new discovery and not something he already knew.

He set his hand back over the wound and this time, he healed it. With that done, he began seeking out his other wounds, healing them too. When all that was done, he gave him a final heal to help with the infection.

It was a better distraction than anything the rogue had tried.

\---

“Thank you…” It was a relief to have the wounds mended and the inflammation of the infection soothed. He set a hand over the hand Anders had put on his side to heal him. “Could you get me some water? I ran out two days ago…”

\---

He avoided his gaze, but nodded. He rose shakily and went to get him some water, bringing him not only a full cup, but a pitcher to refill it. He offered them to him and as soon as he took them, he moved away so he could gather food for him, making him a loaded plate with what little he had to offer. He brought it to him and set it down in front of him, not knowing what else to do with all that done.

—

Hawke greedily set into the food and the water, only taking a moment to rinse his dirt and blood-stained fingers with some of the water he'd been brought. Apparently guilt hadn't done much to hurt his appetite and the thought gave him a fresh pang of guilt. “Why don't you come stay with me tonight? You shouldn't be alone…” The night was still a ways off, but Hawke thought it might be getting dark by the time he mustered the strength and energy to get up off the floor and start for home.

\---

He shook his head. “I’ll stay here.” He couldn’t go back to the mansion, but he did think he needed be alone. He needed time to process this, especially knowing there wouldn’t be a funeral, not like there should be.

Oddly enough, that was the most difficult thing to accept. Not that he was gone, but that he would never see him again. His kiss goodbye was all he had and he found himself clinging to that memory.

—

“If you're sure.” He was a bit disappointed to hear that and his eyes lowered, finding the sword. “Do you want me to take that? I brought it home because...well, I didn't know if you might want it or if we should bury it in his place so we can at least have a grave for him…”

\---

“No, I’ll keep it.” His voice was unsteady. He went over to it and picked it up, at first just holding it, then he made his way over to his basin to grab a cloth so he could start cleaning it off.

Maybe Fenris had managed to take down a few of them with him.

—

Hawke watched him, hoping the dried blood on the blade would help the the illusion of some big battle the elf had died in. “It should have been me. I saw it all happen and...Maker, it should have been me instead.” If Anders had been with him, had loved him instead, he wouldn't have had to do something this horrible to Fenris.

\---

That made the tears in his eyes thicken. “No, Hawke. That wouldn’t fix anything.” It would have been devastating to lose Hawke and he didn’t want to talk about trading lives, not wanting to welcome that kind of bitterness. He didn’t want to wish death on Hawke, because if he started to wishing Hawke has died in his place, he wouldn’t be able to recover from the fact that he hadn’t.

—

“It shouldn't have happened. I made a bad decision and he…” His voice broke, tears spilling down his own cheeks. If he hadn't chosen Isabela over Anders, none of this would have been necessary.

\---

Somehow the sword that he’d been holding up was now holding him up. He returned to his sobs, covering his face with a hand. His shoulders shook and he stood hunched, the blade digging into the dirt as he pressed his weight into it.

—

The rogue wept with him from his side of the room. It was a horrible thing that had happened, but maybe it would be alright. He could take care of Anders and perhaps Fenris’ memory had already been erased and he was perfectly content on his way back to Tevinter. “I'm sorry.”

\---

The mage didn’t respond. He was lost in his head - he didn’t even really hear him. He wasn’t aware of much of anything, like how his patient had slipped out a while before. As soon as he began to break down the first time, the man had left, giving them privacy.

He eventually returned to what he was doing, scrubbing the blade clean, though he could barely see it with the tears dripping from his eyes. When it was as clean as it was going to get in his state, he carried it over to his nook where he kept his things and leaned in gingerly against the wall.

—

Hawke wiped at his cheeks, watching him set the sword among his belongings. “I really don't think you should be alone. If you want to stay here tonight that's okay, but maybe I'll talk to the others and in the morning they can help move some of your things into my place. There's plenty of room for you and we will all need each other to get through this.”

\---

“I don’t care.” He just knew that he couldn’t stay at the mansion and barring that, this felt like where he should be. “This was my home before - I’ll just stay here.” He didn’t want to talk about this. Did it really matter where he stayed? Fenris was dead.

—

“For tonight.” He insisted, lifting the cup with a shaky hand to drink a little more water. He imagined Anders was ready for some privacy to grieve, but he wasn't sure he was going to be able to get up even if he tried.

\---

He made his way to the front of the clinic, putting out the lantern and shutting the door. He was in no state to treat anyone, so they would have to wait until the next day.

He returned to his nook and sat down on the edge of his cot, looking at nothing. Hawke had water, food, and he was no longer hurt. He could rest where he was or he could go - it was no matter to him.  He lowered down to his side, back facing the clinic, and curled up tightly, so lost and despondent.

—

Hawke stayed where he was leaning against the wall, trying to work up the energy to rise. He was so exhausted from fighting the infection on his walk back to Kirkwall that instead he ended up falling asleep where he sat. His head was hanging and he looked far from comfortable, but he needed the rest and he slept easily where he was slumped.

\---

It was well into the night before Anders rose, not having slept for a even a minute. He had no will to do anything, but nature called and after taking care of that need, his eyes found Hawke and the uncomfortable way he was slumped.

He watched him in silence for a time, then made his way over. He crouched in front of him and set his hand on his arm, “Hawke.”

—

Hawke startled a little to be touched, his eyes opening to find Anders. For a moment he looked like he wasn't sure where he was, but when he oriented himself, he tried to straighten his neck and groaned. “Are you alright?” He knew he wasn't, but he needed to ask anyway.

\---

He met his gaze, his empty expression his answer. He reached for him, scooting in to his side and sliding an arm around him. “Come on, let’s get you home.” There was no reason for him to stay and he’d be a lot more comfortable in his own bed.

—

He worked to get his feet beneath him and with Anders for support, he very carefully got to his feet. It was clear by the way his legs shook that the infection had been bad and he was fortunate to have finished the walk to Kirkwall today rather than still being alone and injured on the road for another night. This wouldn't have been worth it at all if he'd gotten himself killed before he got back to Anders. “Are you sure you won't stay with me tonight?”

\---

As with his last question, he let silence be his answer. He braced him, taking on a lot of his weight so the rogue didn’t have to struggle as much with his steps. He shut the door behind them and made the slow trek to Hightown, his eyes determinedly fixed forward, refusing to let them seek out the path that would see him home.

—

He leaned into the mage, happy to have him this close and grateful he was strong enough to hold him up. When they neared his own home, he turned in toward him and brought them to a halt, wrapping Anders up in an embrace. He really didn't want him to go back alone, but he wasn't going to force his company onto him either.

\---

He sudden shift threw him off and it didn’t hit him what was happening until he was in his arms. He didn’t react at first, just standing there, but his arms slowly lifted to return the embrace. It was weak on his end, but he did give into it, letting him take some of his weight this time.

—

Hawke held him as tightly as he could manage, content to keep him in his arms as long as he could get away with it. “You aren't going to do this alone. In the morning, I'll have the others come and help make arrangements. If you need me before morning, you know where to find me, no matter what the hour is.”

\---

“Bye, Hawke,” he murmured in response, not wanting to think about the others. He didn’t want to see their reactions and he didn’t want their sympathy. It would just make this harder for him, having to deal with their emotions when he couldn’t even really handle his own. Really, he hadn’t wanted to run away like he did now in a long time - what was left for him here?

He pulled away from him, knowing he could make it the rest of the way alone and turning to go.

—

“Goodnight.” It wasn’t a good night at all, but he didn’t know what else to say. He watched him walk out of sight, then made it the rest of the short walk to his mansion. It was going to be hard to get through to Anders for awhile, he’d expected that much. But he’d keep trying and show him that he could comfort him through this.


	2. Chapter 2

The following morning, Hawke was still weak, but the sleep after being healed had done wonders for him and he was steady moving around on his own. He gathered the others early in the day, delivering the news to them all at once so he wouldn’t have to repeat it. After the initial shock had passed, he insisted they prioritize taking care of Anders which at least gave them a duty to focus on in their grief. He sent Varric, Merrill, and Aveline to the mansion Fenris and Anders had shared to collect some things for the mage to keep at Hawke’s home. He asked Isabela to go with him to the clinic to find Anders, trusting her to help him with the grieving healer. When they reached his clinic, he was surprised to find the door open and patients inside. It was promising that he was trying to keep busy at least. He stepped inside with Isabela, moving off to one side and out of the way the way they always did when they needed to speak to the healer and he was busy with patients.

\---

There were currently three people in the clinic and Anders already looked as if it was the end of a long day. It wasn’t often that he appeared so haggard and tired, his hair falling out of its tie and into his face, but when it happen it was usually because some disaster had taken place. There was nothing in the clinic to suggest he should look so worn out, especially this early in the morning, but it was clear he was working hard. Not only was he actively treating the patients that were there, but there was a mess of unfinished poultices on his work table.

He glanced up when the rogues entered, but when he saw who it was, he turned back to what he was doing. If they wanted to speak to him, they would have to wait.

\---

The two of them knew not to interrupt him and so they knew to stand aside while the healer worked. Isabela turned toward Hawke, seeming to be fascinated with picking at a tear she found in the man’s sleeve. The truth of it was that the sight of Anders looking as he did had broken her heart all over again and she didn’t want the tears stinging her eyes to show.

\---

It took a quarter of an hour for him to push those patients out and in that time someone else had walked in, so Anders went right into treating them. It soon became clear he was avoiding the other two, because when he finished with that person and there was no one else, he went straight to the table that had a pile of herbs sitting on it and began plucking the leaves from the stems, working with a franticness that wasn’t normally seen in him.

\---

Hawke moved slowly to approach the table, trying to figure out just what to say to him. Isabela, on the other hand, moved right to Anders’ side, approaching him with the confidence she always had. “Those herbs aren’t going to run away, Handsome. You can pause to look at me.” She teased softly and ran her fingers down his arm as he worked, flirting just as she would any other day.

\---

He pulled his arm away from her, not at all wanting to be touched. “I’m running low,” was all the response he offered, keeping his eyes on what he was doing. It seemed he couldn’t keep to any particular step, because he ended up abandoning the herbs to open the lids on jars to receive a product that wasn’t even close to being done. When that was done, he pulled away from the table to grab some water, even though he wouldn’t need it until he grinded the leaves down.

\---

“You’ll continue running low at this rate.” Isabela picked up the herbs he abandoned when he went to fetch the water. She began to pluck the leaves from the stem and when she glanced up to Hawke, he followed suit, grabbing some herbs of his own to work on.

\---

When he returned with it and saw what they were doing, he batted their hands away. “I’ve got it.” He picked up where they left off with the same franticness as before. When there was a sound outside the clinic door, he stilled and looked at it, willing someone to step inside, but when no one did, he quickly returned to what he was doing.

\---

“Anders…” Hawke said quietly when they were made to stop. “Is there anything in particular you want taken from your home? The others are moving some of your things to a spare bedroom at my place and I just wanted to make sure they don’t miss anything you would want.”

\---

“You can tell them to bring it here.” Rather than answer his question, he left it that that. They could bring whatever they wanted - right now none of it mattered to him. If he were to think about it, there were things that he wanted, but for now, he just wanted to make it clear that he intended on staying here.

\---

“Working yourself too hard in here isn’t going to help. I’ll give you all the space you want in my home, but I really want you to be close to someone if you need someone fast.” Hawke said gently, watching him work with a frown.

“Don’t you know how hard he’d kick our asses if we let you do this alone?” Isabela asked, a hand on her hip, resisting the impulse to touch him again.

\---

“Well, he’s not here,” he snapped, throwing the herbs down. The reality of the statement seemed to hit him a moment later and his hands trembled. He turned away from him, his eyes threatening to well as they had ever since he’d learned what happened - the swollen bags beneath them were a clear sign that he’d spent much of the night crying.

\---

“But we are.” Hawke made no move to get closer when Anders turned away. “We’re here and we’re going to take care of you, like you would take care of any of us. We’ll stick together, plan a nice funeral for him, and we’ll help you through all of it.”

\---

“I don’t need to be taken care of.” He’d gotten through Karl’s death, at his own hand, at that, and he’d get through Fenris’...

Even now, he knew he was kidding himself in comparing the two. What he’d had with Karl had been wonderful, but it’d never been serious. His feelings hadn’t run nearly as deep as they did for the elf and what had been a sharp pain then felt like his entire heart had been ripped out now. It felt like there was nothing there anymore.

\---

“Maybe you don’t. But we’re going to do it anyway.” He shook his head. “I saw it, Anders. I saw the look in his eyes. He would want me to look after you. I have to do that for him since I...since I couldn’t do anything else.”

\---

“Please stop.” His voice was strained. He didn’t want to picture him like that. Dying. He didn’t want to think about the pain he must have been in or the terror that he’d felt when he realized what was happening to him. He wanted to pretend that it’d been quick. No pain, just peace.

His hands lifted to cover his face and he began to weep softly.

\---

“I need you to understand why I’m not going to leave you to do this alone. I was the only one there for him and I was the one he could put his trust in that you would be taken of.” He felt awful for the way he made the mage break down again, but he couldn’t let him stay here alone.

\---

It was a struggle to pull himself together, but when he could at least speak without his voice cracking, he pushed the topic away. “I have work to do.” He needed to keep busy - if he didn’t, he would lose it. He would run away to get away from this. If he couldn’t keep his mind off of it, he would separate himself from it completely.

\---

“Alright. We’ll come back tonight. Maybe then we can talk about what kind of services you’d like to have for him.” Hawke’s tone was gentle, but firm. He’d leave him to his work for now if he wasn’t willing to talk, but the discussion wasn’t over.

\---

He couldn’t bring himself to turn and face them. Tears were still slipping from his eyes, though he kept wiping them away before they could drip down his cheeks. He swallowed hard and when someone stepped inside, he quickly gathered himself and greeted them, helping them in and getting right to it.

\---

Hawke looked to Isabela and the pirate nodded. It was time to go. He started for the door and she moved to his side, linking her arm in his in a way that she hadn’t since they were together. He realized she was trying to comfort him after talking about what he’d ‘seen’ and his stomach churned with guilt. He kept his eyes fixed ahead, leading her out and toward the mansion to help gather Anders’ belongings.


	3. Chapter 3

That night, Hawke returned to the clinic. He looked badly in need of rest, far from recovered from the wounds he’d had. But he had a mage to retrieve and this time he brought Varric as well as Isabela to convince Anders to come back with him. When he stepped inside the clinic, he was surprised to find the mage slumped against the wall and he looked to the others with a frown. “He might not be so hard to convince. If he’s out, maybe we can just carry him back to my place.”

\---

The mage looked pretty bad - he was pale and his hair had completely fallen out of its tie. By now, he would have put it back up, for sanitary reasons if nothing else, but his locks hung in a loose mess around his face. His chin was tucked against his collar and his legs were stretched out in front of him, but the position didn’t look particularly comfortable.

“Ah, Blondie,” Varric murmured to himself, moving closer to him and looking him over. “Well, I’ll leave that to you, Hawke.” He wasn’t going to be able to pick him up any time soon. “I’ll grab his staff.” He went to pick it up, knowing the mage wouldn’t want to be without it, even if he wasn’t going to have any use for it any time soon.

\---

Hawke nodded and moved to crouch before Anders, sliding an arm beneath his knees and one behind his back. He wasn't going to try to wake him - if he was far enough under that he could get him home and settled without disturbing him, all the better. He lifted him and started to carry him for the door. Isabela went to get Anders’ key, making sure that they could lock up the clinic once they left.

\---

The mage groaned, his eyes cracking open briefly. They didn’t find anything in particular and they closed again, clearly exhausted. He hadn’t slept since he’d found out and he’d worked himself unconscious. It didn’t take much for him to slip back under, his head tipping to rest against the rogue’s chest.

“This’ll be better for him,” Varric commented, watching him carry him for a time. He hadn’t seen him before this, but it was obvious looking at him how much this had affected him. It wasn’t surprising - if anything, he’d expected worse.

\---

“He really wanted to stay here. But I hope after a good night’s rest, he’ll stay with me voluntarily.” Hawke didn’t sound all that hopeful. He thought Anders might be angry that they’d taken him against his will and set him up in the guest room. But maybe he’d understand that they were just doing what was best for him.

Isabela was quiet at their side, toying with Anders’ key between her fingers as they made the walk to Hawke’s. She wished she could think of anything she could say or do to make any of this easier. She was still trying to get her head around the fact that Fenris wouldn’t be coming back. It was harder to accept that he was dead with no body, no real closure but the sword Hawke had brought back. It made her wonder if that would ultimately make Anders’ recovery easier or harder in the long run.

\---

“He’ll be okay,” he tried to reason. “Blondie’s strong. A lot stronger than anyone gives him credit for.” He’d been through a lot and though he complains endlessly to everyone about what mages go through, he knew about some of the things he’d personally gone through that he didn’t really talk about, both in the Circle and outside it. Things that had nothing to do with him being a mage. He’d be alright. It would just take some time.

\---

“I hope so.” He knew he would be. He wouldn’t have gone through with this if he didn’t think the mage could handle it. “He’s got all of us. We’ll make sure he’s alright.”

When they reached the mansion, Isabela moved up ahead to open the door for the men. “They put all of his things in the room closest to yours.” She told Hawke so he’d know where to take the mage.

\---

Since Isabela opened the front door for them, Varric pulled ahead to open the door to the room Isabela mentioned, so Hawke would be able walk through both doorways without struggle. When Hawke stepped inside, he followed after him, moving to the wall to set the staff down against it. With that done, he turned to watch Hawke put the mage down, finding that he wanted to make sure he looked comfortable enough before he left.

\---

Hawke eased the healer down onto the mattress, pulling the blankets up over him all the way up to his neck. “I’ll leave some water and something to eat in here in case he wakes before I do.” He said quietly as he looked him over. Isabela stepped in closer and lowered the blankets briefly, knowing where his robes would be tied and loosening them. It seemed she didn’t intend to strip him, just untie the layers so they’d be more loose and comfortable to sleep in. She recovered him then and stepped back, unable to think of anything else do to for him.

\---

He watched as they both tended to him and when there was enough room for him, he stepped in himself. There wasn’t anything for him to do, but he was able to get what he wanted. The mage looked comfortable. “I’ll come by to see him tomorrow.” He wanted to talk to him, even just a little. “Ready to go, Rivani?”

\---

“Please do. I don’t know if he’s ready to talk to any of us yet, but we have to keep trying.” He knew Anders got along well with the dwarf and maybe Varric would know just what to say. Isabela nodded and moved to Varric’s side. “Let’s get going. I need a drink or ten.”

\---

“If you need anything, you know where to find us, Hawke.” He clapped him on the back and then turned to head out, expecting Isabela to walk beside him. When they were out of the room, he addressed her. “First drink’s on me.” He needed one himself and he imagined they would both be rather drunk by the time they went to bed.

\---

Hawke listened to them go, then looked down at Anders. He was so beautiful, even as haggard as he was after all of this. He watched him for a time, then went to fetch him a tray to put by the bed. It held a cup, a pitcher of water, a plate of cheese and bread and a bowl of fruit. He didn’t think he’d be up to eating anything heavy, but maybe they were things he could pick at. He needed to go to bed himself, but found himself sitting on the edge of the bed and simply watching him. He didn’t belong to Fenris anymore. Anders was no longer the elf’s because Fenris had ceased to be. Maybe he wasn’t dead, as he claimed, but he was gone just the same. When he finally willed himself to his feet again, Hawke made his way to his own bedroom to lie down, closing the door to the guest room to give Anders privacy through the night.


	4. Chapter 4

It was early in the morning, far before the sun was set to rise, that Anders’ eyes cracked open. There was no bliss in awakening - he remembered as soon as his eyes registered the room around him, but he was still baffled by it. He recognized the room - he’d stayed in it a time or two over the years for various reasons, but not since he’d found a home in Fenris’ mansion.

Why was he here?

He started to push himself up, but before he could rise fully, his gave up.

Did it matter? The clinic was his, but it wasn’t his home. It hadn’t ever really been his ‘home’, but especially now, after having actually had a home that he’d made with the man he loved, it felt like nothing more than a place to sleep.

What difference was it if he slept here or slept there?

For a while there was silence in the room, Anders eyes fixed on the window and the night sky that shone through it, but that was broken by the sound of soft sobs.

\---

It was shortly after sunrise that the rogue woke, immediately compelled to go check on the mage. He tapped lightly at the door but didn’t wait for an answer, pushing it open just a little and peeking inside to see if he was still asleep. He hoped he would be, knowing how much he needed the rest.

\---

The mage was awake, curled up in a ball on his side beneath the blanket. His back was to the door, still facing the window, and he didn’t react to the tapping on the door or the sound of it opening. He knew who it was, but he figured he’d shut it and retreat if he showed no signs of waking up.

\---

He watched him for a moment, thinking he was likely still asleep. He wouldn’t call out to him, but perhaps he’d at least move in closer to check on him. He stepped into the room and to the side of the bed Anders was facing, wanting to look him over and see if he’d touched the water and food he’d set out.

\---

He saw movement as the rogue as he came around the the bed and his eyes fixed on him. It was dark in the room, with only a little sunlight coming in through the window, so the redness in his eye wasn’t especially obvious, though definitely there, but the bags were especially swollen. He didn’t say anything to him, but he did look away, tucking his face down and pulling the blanket up higher so it covered his chin.

\---

Hawke saw how miserable he looked and he frowned, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. He reached to sweep a little of Anders’ loose hair from his face, then began to stroke his hand over his side through the covers. It had been a long time since he’d touched anyone with so much care.

\---

His eyes shut when his hair was brushed aside and he took in a deep, shuddering breath when he felt the tender touch. For a moment that was all of the reaction he offered, but then his expression twisted and he began to cry again, wanting more than anything for the touch to be coming from the elf that he so desperately missed.

\---

“Anders…” He spoke gently, hating to see him cry again when his eyes already looked so sore and raw. He eased himself down to lay beside the mage and wrapped him up in his arms, embracing him as well as he could while they were lying down.

\---

He accepted the contact, too miserable to refuse. He didn’t really want to. He went so far as to bury his face in Hawke’s chest, crying his heart out onto him and creating a slowly growing wet spot on his shirt.

\---

He held him as he cried, not minding the tears that soaked into his clothing. He stroked his back gently and after awhile he even pressed a kiss to the top of his head. How long had it been since he kissed anyone, even as innocently as that? “I’m here, I’m not going to leave you…” He’d stay like this all day if he had to.

\---

He hadn’t cried like this since he was a boy. Since he’d been dragged out of his home by the templars. That was the last time something this bad had happened to him. If he had to decide between them, this was worse. Being taken away from his family as a boy and being locked up in a tower, betrayed and scared, wasn’t nearly as devastating as this was.

He’d do anything to have Fenris back. Even if it meant sacrificing himself, he’d do it if it meant that Fenris would be alive and safe.

It took a long time for him to run out of tears and by the time he had, his head was throbbing terribly. “Hawke,” he rasped, the dryness of this throat obvious.

\---

“I’m here.” He said softly again, glad to hear his name on the mage’s lips. “If I sit you up with me, will you drink a little water?” He asked, wanting to ease some of the hoarseness he heard in his voice.

\---

He gave a slight nod, but he hadn’t pulled his face away from his chest. He knew he needed it and that he needed to eat at some point, but he hadn’t seen the tray that had been left for him and he wasn’t sure he could stomach anything, even if he wanted to.

\---

He used his hold on him to keep him close as he shifted, gently propping Anders to sit up but keeping him leaned into him so he could take all of the mage’s weight. He supported him with one arm as he reached for the tray, grabbing the glass of water he’d had ready and putting it to Anders’ lips.

\---

It was awkward to try and drink from a cup that someone else was holding - he was more familiar with being the one to hold it up - but he managed a few gulps of water. When he had all he wanted, he turned his face away, tucking it back into Hawke, this time at his collar.

\---

That was better than nothing. He set the cup down and reached for the bowl of fruit, grabbing a couple berries and holding them in his palm. He didn’t try to make Anders eat them right away though, instead cradling the mage against him and letting him rest there. “Let’s sit here just like this for a little while. Then we can lay down again if you want to.” He wanted him upright long enough for the water and hopefully the little bit of food he meant to feed him to settle.

\---

“I have to go back to the clinic.” He had to get back to work. He told himself it was because the people needed him and that was true enough, but he just couldn’t handle thinking any longer. He needed to distract himself and keep his mind off of the hell his life had become.

\---

“I think maybe you should stay here for today. You can’t help anyone as tired as you are.” Even if he’d slept, he could tell it hadn’t been much and he was still exhausted. He finally shifted one of the berries from his palm into his fingers and put them to Anders’ lips. “Here, have just a few. You need your strength back.”

\---

He didn’t want it, but he did know he needed to eat something. The knowledge wasn’t really enough to overpower the apathy he felt, but since it was Hawke asking him to, he opened his mouth. Actually chewing it up was a task and it looked as if every shift of his jaw was exhaustive work. He wasn’t even sure he’d tasted it by the time he swallowed.

\---

“That’s good. Just a little more.” Hawke encouraged, giving him the last couple berries at once since it seemed like it took so much out of him to eat the first one.

\---

He really didn’t want them, but he complied and it took him several minutes to get through them. When he managed to swallow them, he shook his head so that the rogue wouldn’t get any ideas about giving him more. “I have to go, Hawke.” He sounded so tired and so strained.

\---

“You have to stay.” His tone was insistent. He draped his arms around him, holding him to his side and making it clear that he wasn’t going to try to feed him any more for now. “For today, you need to rest and get cleaned up. ….When they brought your things, they brought a couple of the outfits he wore around the house when you got him to stop wearing that armor all the time. Maybe you could change into one and it would help you rest.” It might comfort him and the sooner the elf’s things lost his scent, the better.

\---

The information, while welcome, brought about a heartbroken sound. If he’d thought about it, the clothes were probably something he would have wanted. “I can’t,” he breathed, having no will to actually resist him. If he was going to go to the clinic, it would have to be with Hawke’s leave. “I can’t lay here.”

\---

“Then we’ll find something to do. We’ll get you cleaned up, go downstairs and sit down with a cup of tea. Maybe read something out of the library. Whatever helps, but I don’t want to leave you alone and I don’t want you working today. Varric wants to visit you today also, so there will be plenty to do besides lay here.” He gave his back a stroke. “You do need more rest, though. I could find something to help you sleep when you’re ready to lay down again.”

\---

He didn’t respond at first, then he made a strange sound. It almost sounded like a snort, but there was too much ache in him for it to really come across that way. “Do you have wine?” Fenris loved his wine - he didn’t think Justice would dare stop him if he wanted to have a drink in his honor. If he did, it’d be the first drop of alcohol he’d had in years.

\---

“I do. But actually, Merrill grabbed the bottle that Fenris had been working on in your home. No one was sure why, we all know you don’t drink. But she thought you might want it, so it’s here.” Hawke was genuinely shocked that he’d ask, but if Anders wanted it, he was welcome to it.

\---

His lip wobbled, but he managed to stiffen it. “N-no.” He didn’t want to drink it. He’d keep it. He’d keep it for the rest of his life. “Something else.” It didn’t even have to be a red wine that his lover favored - just something. If he couldn’t keep his mind off of this the way he wanted to, then he wanted something to help.

\---

“Alright. You can have some of mine then.” He imagined a glass would be more than enough for Anders after going so long without any alcohol. “I’ll get you some when you’re ready to lay down and get more rest.”

\---

He shook his head. “Now. Please.” He wanted it and as he anticipated there was minimal protest. He could feel that it wasn’t the right thing to do, but the spirit wasn’t fighting him on it, not like he would have if none of this had happened. Justice was struggling with this grief, alongside his own, and though it didn’t change how he felt about anything, he could plainly feel that the needs of this mortal were far more complicated than his own.

\---

“Alright.” He wasn’t going to argue if it meant the mage would stay put and not insist on going to the clinic. He made sure Anders was steady where he sat before he pulled away, leaving him alone long enough to pour a generous glass for each of them. When he returned, he sat beside the mage and handed him one of the glasses. It was a rich red wine, just as Fenris always drank. “He liked this wine. I served it to him the last time you two were over to talk about a mission.”

\---

He took the glass from him and held it in front of him, looking down at it. He raised it to his lips, sniffing it. There was a unfurling disgust in him, but the reminder that this was something that the man he loved enjoyed was enough to overpower it. He brought it to his lips and sipped. It’d been so long and the taste was better than he thought it would be. After a couple more sips, getting use to it, he began to drink it steadily, seeming to have no intention of making it last.

\---

It was so odd to see the healer indulging in wine and he sipped at his own, a sigh escaping him. “He liked this wine.” He murmured again, the use of the past tense feeling more significant now that he thought about it. His stomach, uneasy as it had been lately, turned once more and he shook his head. “Maker, forgive me. This is my fault.” It was, but he still wouldn’t take it back. He just had to get through this initial pain and guilt and help Anders through his mourning and it would all be worth it.

\---

It wasn’t easy for him to hear him talk like that. He shook his head and rather than respond, he plucked Hawke’s glass right out of his hand so he could start to drink that as well. He couldn’t deal with his emotions, even though he knew the guilt was probably crushing him - Anders wasn’t the only one that had lost someone. Even so, he couldn’t be strong for anyone else when he could barely be strong enough for himself.

\---

He was surprised, but he let Anders take his glass and finish that one as well. “I’m sorry. I know you’re going through enough without hearing me talk that way. I’m just...trying to come to terms with my part in what happened.”

\---

He didn’t finish this glass as quickly, but he didn’t speak until it was gone. “I don’t think he blamed you.” He doubted that would absolve his conscience, but he knew it was true and it was all he could offer him. He didn’t want to talk about it any further than that.

\---

The blame had certainly been in his eyes at the end, but Anders didn’t need to know that. “I hope he didn’t.” He looked to him, curious how he was doing after both glasses. “How are you feeling? Do you want to lie down?”

\---

He seemed to think about this and then he nodded, his head much foggier. For all his protest before, he felt like he could handle it as his body warmed from the alcohol. The covers were calling for him and tried to shift back down beneath them, struggling to pull them up with the way Hawke was sitting on them.

\---

That was promising and he shifted off the bed to help Anders settle back down into it. However, once he had him lying down again, he settled onto the bed beside him. “I’ll lie with you until you’re sleeping. You don’t need to do this alone.”

\---

He watched Hawke as he settled in front of him and he nodded. He wasn’t going to force him away, not right now. Being held by him earlier had helped. It didn’t fix anything, but it helped.

\---

Hawke draped an arm around him and closed his eyes serenely. The truth of it was that he’d stay long after the mage was asleep. It was an excuse to hold him and he wasn’t planning on going anywhere. The longer he could lie with him while Anders was in mourning, the better.

\---

Anders shut his eyes and even shifted a little, ending up closer to him. The alcohol did help and he thought about the bottles that use to be all over the mansion. Perhaps when he woke he would have more and finish a bottle of his own. He could throw it at the wall and shatter it, like his beloved elf had done so often before he’d come into his life.

\---

His arm tightened around him a little, encouraging him when he moved in closer. He shifted a little as well, leaving them touching lightly but not completely pressed into the healer. This was so much better than the nights alone pining after Anders, knowing he was wrapped up in the arms of Fenris. That thought was enough to help ease his guilt, just a little.


	5. Chapter 5

After a couple weeks, they’d settled into a routine that Hawke was happy to get used to. He spent his days out on missions or gathering leads on the next missions to do and Anders went to work in the clinic. They met up in the evening, ate, had some wine together, then cuddled up and went to sleep. Of course, many of those nights were still very hard for Anders and sometimes the mage fell asleep weeping in his arms. But he at least allowed him to hold and comfort him through the nights.

On this night it had been much the same, a light dinner and some wine before they settled in for the night. Hawke had cleaned up from the day’s run in with bandits and was dressed comfortably for bed, settled into the side he’d gotten used to taking in the guest bed Anders had been sleeping in. He wrapped his arms around the mage, the motion becoming second nature after weeks of holding him through the night and it was a wonderful feeling to get used to.

\---

Though this wasn’t really where he wanted to be, it was the best alternative. If he couldn’t be in his home with lyrium arms wrapped around him, he could be here. He’d come to accept that without Hawke, he would be in a much worse place. He felt a lot of gratefulness for the man and he could tell that not all of it was coming from him - Justice was relieved that there was something that eased the pain in the body they shared.

He didn’t question their arrangement, though he did feel guilty that the rogue was having to put up with him as much as he was. He figured if he didn’t give him an opportunity to complain, than he wouldn’t and they could continue on like this. Each night they went to the guest  bedroom and settled in bed, he knew that he would be able to make it through another night.

He fell right into his arms, burrowing in against him as he often did. His head tucked against his neck and his arms curled up between them, squished between their bodies.

\---

“I had something made for you. I think it will be ready tomorrow, I can give it to you when you come back from the clinic.” Hawke murmured, stroking his fingers through the mage’s hair when he settled against his neck. He hoped Anders would like the fine new robes he had made. They were the best use he could think of for the money he’d gotten from Danarius. They wouldn’t make Anders’ loss any easier, that was what these nights pressed together were for, but it was a way of apologizing to Anders for a crime he would never know of.

\---

That was surprising and he pulled back a little to look up at him. “You didn’t have to do that…” He didn’t want anything from him. He already felt bad for dominating his time the way he was.

\---

“No, but I wanted to.” He looked serenely at the healer, his hand moving to his cheek. He ran his thumb lightly over his cheekbone, loving being able to study him this closely every night and memorize his features. “I had some extra coin and I wanted to do something for you.”

\---

“You should’ve saved your coin.” He didn’t want whatever it was, but it seemed it was too late for that.The touch to his cheek gave him a shiver and he turned it a little closer to his hand without thinking about it.

\---

“I do what I want with my coin. I wanted to spend it on you, so you’ll just have to deal with it.” He leaned in and kissed his forehead lightly. He very rarely did that, usually reserving it for the nights when Anders was especially upset. But it felt right and he followed his impulse to do it anyway.

\---

He had gotten use to the gesture from him. Usually he was too distraught to put any thought into it, but this time there was nothing to distract him. The proximity made him blink and then when he pulled back, he met his eyes again. His own flicked between Hawke’s, close enough that it was difficult to focus on both of them at once.

\---

Hawke gave him a slight smile when he pulled back to look at him again. HIs eyes were warm and he gave his cheek another stroke, his touch light and gentle. It was nice to hold him this way when the mage wasn’t falling apart and perhaps for a moment Anders was thinking only of him and not of Fenris.

\---

He knew that this wasn’t really normal. Even if he was just attempting to comfort him, people never really went so far. It confused him, but it also helped fuel the gratefulness he felt. He was going out of his way to make him feel better and like there was someone he could rely on. He hadn’t really smiled much since that day, but the corner of his own lip twitched a little in response.

\---

It was good to see, rare as his smiles were these days. He let his fingers stroke back further, sliding into his hair and stroking through the strands. He loved touching him this way, caressing him the way he hadn’t in years. Not since their experimental but heated kisses from years before.

\---

He hummed and let his eyes shut then, pressing himself back into his neck. The fingers in his hair were nice, especially when he let all of it out at night. This night was shaping up to be better than most - he might even get through it without any tears. A rarity these days.

\---

He tucked his cheek against the top of Anders’ head when he settled into him again. He continued to work his fingers through his hair, a constant reminder that he was there and looking after him. He waited quietly to see if the tears would begin, but hoped that perhaps this was one of the easier nights where the mage could drift to sleep peacefully.

\---

He took in a deep breath, Hawke’s scent so familiar to him now. It was a comforting scent and after a few minutes, the tender attention helped him fall under. His breathing evened out and his body relaxed.

\---

He recognized the feel of Anders falling asleep and he felt himself smiling again as he closed his eyes. It seemed his comforts had been enough to help him sleep without his sorrow overtaking him. He’d even gotten him to smile just a little. Perhaps this would be the start to more nights that went easily for the healer and he would cry for the warrior less and less as time went on.


	6. Chapter 6

The routine they had developed became the norm over the next few months and Hawke began to wonder how he’d tolerated living alone so long. Not that his mansion was ever empty, but he’d never had such consistent company for dinner, the evening, and through the night. Even when he’d been with Isabela, her company had never been this regular. Of course, missions used to factor into it. Since he’d returned alone and wounded from his mission with Fenris, he still wasn’t taking on any assignments that would require him to leave town overnight. The others seemed to be understanding and when there was something to do that required them to be away for the night, the others had been volunteering to go in his place. Hawke knew that wouldn’t last forever, nor did he want it to as he was missing the adventures, but he wouldn’t be going until he felt prepared to ask Anders to go with him. He wasn’t going to leave him alone.

The rogue was weary after a long day and so he was relieved that Anders had agreed to lie down with him a little early that night. He eagerly climbed into his side of the bed where he spent each night rather than his own, getting comfortable but not able to really settle properly until the mage was wrapped up in his arms.

\---

Anders took his time to remove his boots, pull off his outer robes, which were still in good condition since he’d received them months ago, and let down his hair. Once he ready for bed, he slid onto it and scooted right into the middle of it, expecting to be accepted in his arms as soon as he was close enough. That was how it always went these days and he found himself seeking them a lot - sometimes if he had a bad day at the clinic, he would fall into them before they even laid down for the night.

\---

Hawke folded him up in his embrace, having looked forward to this all day. That wasn’t anything unusual though. This was always a good way to end his days. On some nights that he was this tired, he’d fall asleep almost as soon as he had him cradled against his body. But it seemed he was not too tired for affections, stroking a hand slowly over Anders’ back as he often did.

\---

When this had first started, Anders had kept his arms to himself. He’d tuck them between them and let the rogue do all of the holding and the touching, but eventually he’d started to hold him back. He didn’t really touch him, the way Hawke so often did, but he did wrap his arm around him and return the embrace to make that contact mutual.

\---

He loved the feeling of the arms around him, a welcome improvement to Anders just completely tucking himself against his body. His hand shifted higher and he began to work his fingers through the mage’s hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead. He’d become more and more affectionate through the weeks, but he’d kept the buildup of them slow. The last thing he wanted to do was make him uncomfortable and end their current sleeping arrangement. But at the same time, it was getting harder and harder to keep pushing his feelings for him down.

\---

He was well-used to the kisses. Every night he got at least one, but sometimes he was given a few. Usually to the forehead, though Hawke had strayed to his cheeks here and there. With every passing day, he was more and more aware that he’d gone a lot further for him than anyone else would, but he didn’t want to look into it more than that. He liked how things were between them and he wanted them to stay as they were. He accepted the kiss with a smile and tightened his arm around him a little in acknowledgement of the affection.

\---

It was good to see him smiling again and he returned it with one of his own. He found himself leaning in again and kissing his cheek, which wasn’t all that unusual, but he got rather close to the corner of his lips, tempted by that smile to move in closer than he’d normally dare. He pulled back a bit then to meet his eyes, curious if it had been too much. He slid his fingers from his hair to stroke his cheek and the curve of his jaw, unable to keep his hands from him even as he studied him.

\---

It was closer that he would have expected and deep down, there was some awareness as to why. He wasn’t an idiot. He ignored it though, simply meeting his gaze as he was touched. He’d never been touched so tenderly and so often in his life - even Fenris hadn’t treated him to so much affection. Their affection had usually consisted of laying in each other’s arms or losing themselves in each other’s bodies. The warrior had never spent so much time just touching him - often it was reversed, his own fingers seeking out his bared skin to find the lyrium embedded with in it.

It felt good and he didn’t shy away.

\---

He was relieved that the other hadn’t tensed or tried to put distance between them. Perhaps it was time to try giving him the sort of kiss he’d been wanting. The sort he thought of after Anders had gone to sleep in his arms, but hadn’t tried to steal from him. He leaned in slowly, his hand cradling Anders’ cheek, and pressed their lips together. It was soft and tender, much different than the hungry kisses they’d shared early in their friendship when they’d toyed with the idea of being together.

\---

He saw what was coming and he shut his eyes, allowing it to happen. His heart picked up, but he remained as he was. Not rejecting the kiss, but not responding to it. Just taking it and internalizing it.

\---

He could feel that he wasn’t kissing him back. That was discouraging, but at least he wasn’t breaking it. Deciding to try to engage him in it a little further, he tried kissing him a bit deeper. He closed his eyes, savoring the feel of kissing him even if he was the only one participating.

\---

When he felt him deepening it, he hesitated, unsure if he wanted to give in to this, but his quickly beating heart convinced him. Hawke had been so good to him. He began returning the kiss, his hand sliding up his back and sliding into his hair, gripping at the dark locks that were surprisingly soft for how thick they were.

\---

He made a soft sound into the kiss, melting into it as soon as it was returned. He tangled their legs together, compelled to get closer to him. This was exactly what he wanted and it made all that he’d done feel worthwhile. He didn’t dare break the kiss, wanting to have it for as long as he could in case it would be a long time before Anders would allow this again.

\---

He made a sound into the kiss in response, meeting his lips intently. He pressed as close as he could to him and for a time, he was content as all could be. Then, out of nowhere, he made a pained sound, a sob against his lips, and tears filled his eyes.

—

The sudden change startled him and he broke the kiss, his hand instinctively resuming the stroking of his hair he usually gave him when he wept. “Anders…” He murmured gently, guilt hitting him sharply. “I’m sorry…”

\---

He sobbed against him, feeling wretched that he’d cheated. His rational mind knew that it wasn’t cheating, not if he was gone, but while his heart resided with his lost lover, it felt like he was. “I-I can’t,” he explained hastily, more caught up in what he’d done wrong by responding than what Hawke had initiated. “Fenris would never want me to kiss anyone else.” He didn’t often talk about him, the pain too raw, but while he was so upset, it spilled out of him.

\---

“While he was still here, of course not.” He cradled him against him, though his voice was thick and he didn’t sound all that far off from crying with him. “But he’s not able to show you affection like that now. I think he’d want you to be happy, Anders.”

\---

“I can’t be happy without him.” He needed him, but he wasn’t here. The only thing keeping him here was Hawke and he didn’t know why Hawke was doing this, but he’d been there for him in a way that no one else would have been. Even so, how could he just act like his world hadn’t crumbled around him? Like falling into someone else's’ arms was okay?

\---

“I can’t promise that I can make you happy again. But it won’t stop me from trying. And if kissing me made you feel better again, even for a moment, I think that’s what he’d want you to do. He wouldn’t want you to do this alone.” At least he thought that was what the elf would want if he were actually dead.

\---

Anders looked up at him, tears dripping from his eyes and darting down his skin. “I love Fenris, Hawke.” He didn’t know what it was the rogue wanted from him, but he didn’t think he could give it to him. His heart was gone and though each day that passed made it easier to wake up and accept that he was gone, his heart wasn’t any closer to healing.

\---

“Of course you do. You always will.” His eyes were glassy, but he managed to put on a bit of a smile for him. “I just want to help you through this. I want to show you how much I care about you. If felt nice, even if that was the only time it will happen.”

\---

“Hawke…” He was finally beginning to wonder where this was coming from. It wasn’t exactly out of nowhere and it put the way he’d kept him so close into perspective - if Hawke really cared for him in the way he was implying, then this hadn’t been friendship at all. He met his gaze uncertainly, but he seemed to calm down a little with the simple and rational response.

\---

“I’m here for you.” He would be patient, even if Anders wasn’t ready for those sorts of kisses yet. He’d go back to the other affections, they were enough for him. He just needed to be able to spend each night with him this way.

\---

He didn’t know how to respond, so he simply leaned back into him, resting his forehead against his shoulder. That felt better. Their legs were still tangled and they were closer than they’d ever been before, but the mage was content to stay like that. He needed time to think this over and for tonight, all he wanted was to sleep.

\---

He rested his head on Anders’ as he usually did once they were settled. He was relieved that he’d at least managed to calm him down a little, though it would be better if he hadn’t upset him that way in the first place. He closed his eyes, ready to rest and savoring the way the mage had tasted on his lips for while it had lasted.


	7. Chapter 7

It was sometime before Hawke tried to kiss him again, but when it happened, Anders accepted it with only a little heartache. For all his insistence that he wasn’t healing, he was. Slowly. After that first night, they began kissing every night. Some nights they made out for well over an hour, until they were too tired to continue. Some nights they it was short and sweet, a lingering kiss for a few minutes, and then they settled in.

It just depended how they were feeling, but there was a definite trend in that the longer it went on, the more heated their kisses became. They already pressed as close as they could and had been since the beginning, but sometimes the way they intertwined spoke of how much they needed each other. Their tongues would come out and play and as the guilt he felt eased, assuring himself that Fenris would want this for him, the more he wanted to feel even more of him.

After weeks of all manner of kisses, they were currently caught in a rather deep one that had been drawn out well over ten minutes. His tongue had thoroughly traced the rogue’s mouth and it was currently rubbing against the main attraction within, enjoying the smooth feel of the muscle as it returned his attentions, his body pressed as flush as he could get without hooking a leg around him to add even more pressure.

\---

The rogue groaned softly into the kiss, unable to get enough of him. He wanted more from him, he always did when their kisses got this heated, but he didn’t dare try to take it. They had a good thing going and he was addicted to these kisses. He’d be devastated to lose all of this progress they’d made. His hand was locked in Anders’ hair, not tugging the strands but keeping him firmly in place while he worked his tongue against his.

\---

It felt so good and his body was so hot. His blood felt like it was on fire and he knew that this would probably end like most of their kisses did. Slowing down and softening into nothing, just an embrace. He was finding the longer it went on, however, the less he found he wanted that. He wanted to feel those strong hands on his body, touching him like he often did, but he wanted it on his skin. He wanted it where they never strayed.

The arm wrapped around him and the fingers pressing into his spine began to follow the path down. They found a patch of skin where hem of his shirt was pulled up and slipped beneath. They felt the heat of his flesh and rather then slide back up to seek even more, then slid further down, to the waist of his pants. He fingered the fabric, but made no attempt of actually moving it.

\---

He drew in a slow breath when he felt the fingers on his bare skin. The touch at the small of his back prompted him to press his hips into Anders, the pressure revealing that the heated kiss had perked him. His blood cooled for just a second, afraid that feeling it would make the other pull away. But it wasn’t enough to deter him and he kept kissing him for as long as it would last.

\---

He felt the response and what it told him made him hotten all the more. He broke the kiss to murmur his name, saying in a way that betrayed the need he was feeling. There was something breathless to it. His fingers pulled at the fabric, still not up or down, but showing him in that way too what he felt was in the way.

\---

He shivered to hear him say his name that way and he began to subtly rock his hips against him. “Anders…” He wanted him. He’d wanted him a long time and it felt like the mage wanted him as well. He had to be careful, not wanting to do too much too soon if he wasn’t sure that he wanted this.

\---

The rocking only made it clearer to him that he wanted this. He began to respond, keeping his own rocks just as subtle, some part of him anxious about what wanting this meant. About what his beloved elf would feel if he knew that he was in bed with Hawke, wanting to get lost in his body as they so often had with each other. It felt like if he restrained himself and didn’t get too caught up in this, if he reminded himself he was still mourning, he was somehow doing right by him.

\---

He could feel him starting to reciprocate and a fresh rush of heat ran through him. In a move much less subtle, he slid his hand down from Anders’ back down to his ass, squeezing it lightly and using pressure there to make the rocking of their hips more substantial. He pressed their lips together again, his kiss hungry and full of need.

\---

The hand on his ass helped his own cock to thicken and he groaned, the sound deep and reflecting everything the rogue was giving him. He needed him and the fingers began to pull then. He wanted his clothing off and he struggled to pull his pants down, needing to be able to touch his bare skin and feel it against his own.

\---

Hawke moved his other hand down to the waist of his pants, helping the mage to pull his pants and smallclothes down. By the time his cock was free, it was thick and rigid, pressing into him eagerly with fewer layers of clothing between them. “Anders…” He murmured against his lips again, his tone strained with need.

\---

He could hear what he needed and so he slid his hand up his thigh, fingertips dragging through the hair. It was a sensation he hadn’t felt in a long time, but it felt good. He reached between them and took hold of his cock, finding that it was as sizable as he’d hoped it would be back when he use to want him. He squeezed him and then began stroking slowly, kissing him far more fervor than with the way he was touching him.

\---

It had been too long since he’d been stroked and he moaned softly, rocking needily into his grasp. His own hands busied themselves with tugging up the underlayer of robes Anders wore to bed. He needed to get his hands on him.

\---

He let him pull up his robes, that feeling always exciting him. He wore nothing beneath them, as he’d taken to doing after getting into a relationship. It was just easier if he left smallclothes out of the equation and there was no reason for that to change after his relationship ended. He didn’t have any at this point.

“Please,” he whispered against his lips, wanting everything he could give him. He couldn’t bring himself to take the next step, so he continued as he was, pleasuring the rogue that had been so good to him.

\---

He wanted to give him just what he was asking for and when he had him in hand, he squeezed him appreciatively. He needed this. “Let’s go to my room.” He breathed against his lips, hating the idea of breaking away from him, but wanting to get what they needed. “I’ve got plenty of oil…”

\---

His eyes opened and they fixed on the rogue’s. He stared at him, so attracted to him, years of want coming back to him all at once, and then nodded. He pulled away from him and started to get up. It was too cool without their bodies pressed together and it made his anxiety rise, but he pulled off his outer robe and bared himself completely, waiting for Hawke to lead the way.

\---

The sight of Anders completely bare got him moving faster and he rolled out of bed, taking him by the hand and pulling him toward the bedroom. He released him as soon as they were inside to strip the rest of the way out of his house clothes. He couldn’t get out of them quickly enough, leaving them in a heap wherever they landed.

\---

In his bedroom, his nerves spiked and his cock lost a little of its potency. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, gripping the edge of it and watching the rogue, who was certainly something to look at. He didn’t know what to say or do, even though he knew what he’d wanted in the guest room. What he still wanted, but that he felt overwhelmed thinking about now.

\--- 

He moved to Anders on the edge of the bed, lowering onto his lap to straddle him where he sat. He reached down between him and began to stroke him, wanting to make up for the stiffness he’d lost along the way. He kissed his way along his jaw, liking the feel of stubble beneath his lips.

\--

He watched him approach and as soon as contact was made, he was able to relax a little. He shut his eyes as he was kissed, taking in slow breaths while the attention pushed him back in the direction he needed to be in. “Hawke,” he breathed, his own hand resuming where they’d left off, so they were stroking one another together.

\---

“How do you want this?” He murmured against his skin, rocking into his grasp. He wanted him and he didn’t really care how. He would do this however the mage would want it. Perhaps something less likely to stir up memories of Fenris, though he imagined they’d had sex in every way imaginable. Still, he’d leave it up to his preference.

\---

He knew what he was asking and he thought about it - it didn’t take much to recall what he’d always imagined when it came to Hawke. When he would touch himself and think about him. A big, strong man like Hawke? Looking up at him, amber eyes bright, he slowly laid back, parting his legs just a little - as much as he could while being straddled. “Like this,” he wanted them to be face to face, just like this.

\---

He nodded, getting the hint by his attempt to part his legs what it was he wanted from him. He shifted off his lap, reaching toward the stand beside his bed and pulling out some oil. He poured some into his hand, first coating himself. Then as he shifted into position between the mage’s thighs, he took his cock in hand, giving him a generous coating of the oil as well as he stroked him.

\---

He watched him and as he came over him, there was a lot of emotion reflected in his expression. There was desire, but there was also some confliction, some sorrow, some fear. “Hawke…” Before he pushed in, he wanted to make clear something. “You’ll still want me after this, won’t you?” If he gave him this, he wasn’t going to decide he didn’t want this closeness with him anymore, was he?

\---

“If anything, I think I’ll want you more after this.” He continued to stroke him as he positioned himself, teasing the area with his tip though he wouldn’t press in until he knew he was ready. “I used to imagine how good this would be…”

\---

He figured he was talking about long before, when there had been a possibility of them still up in the air. He didn’t think that Hawke had wanted him all this time. He figured his desires had surfaced from spending so much time together after what had happened, like his own. “...Promise?” he sounded truly vulnerable, as if not convinced by what he had to say about it.

\---

He paused in what he was doing for the moment, meeting his gaze intently. He leaned down and pressed a brief, firm kiss to his lips. “I promise you. I’ll still want you after this.”

\---

That eased the knot in his stomach a little. There was nothing that could ease it completely, except perhaps the rogue turning into someone he could never be, but he gave a nod. What he’d been doing had felt good and he wanted it, so with the assurance that this wouldn’t change anything, that he wouldn’t be finished with him and move on to someone else, he waited for him to take him.

\---

The nod was the permission he needed and he pressed inside of him slowly. It was so good to be buried in the heat of his body and he groaned when he was in all the way to the hilt. His oil-soaked hand ran slowly up Anders’ side and then back down his chest, wanting to explore his bare skin while he was inside of him.

\---

He groaned under his breath as he was taken. He was use to having sex nightly and it had been a long time since he’d had pleasure. Since that day, actually, since he’d had no desire to give himself any. Even if he had, he’d had no time. When he wasn’t at the clinic, he was with Hawke.

He continued to stare up at him, appreciating the touch and that he was taking his time, rather than going straight into it. He reached for his hand, stroking his own fingers over it, to give him a little touch in return, before reaching for him and trying to pull him down so he could kiss him.

\---

He leaned down when he was prompted, kissing him deeply as he began to move inside of him. He took him slowly, not feeling any need to rush it despite how badly he’d been needing this. His hand slid down lower to find Anders’ cock again, starting to stroke him at a leisurely pace to match his hips.

\---

A fuck would have been fine with him, but this was what he needed. He met the kiss, pouring himself into it, making it as intimate as he could. He needed him so much and having him in this way was a comfort - Hawke was proving himself to be the man he’d always thought he’d be. The man he’d wanted was steadily becoming the man he needed and he tried to remind himself that Fenris, his loving elf, would want this for him.

\---

He melted into the kiss, finding it drawing his attention just as much as the pleasure. He had always imagined his first time with Anders to be hot and heavy, but there was something nice about taking it slow like this. It was satisfying and if Anders was worried about him not wanting him after this, he could always take him hard in the morning to prove his point. He was in no hurry right now and he meant to make this last as much as he could.

\---

Anders broke the kiss when his heart felt like it couldn't take any more, nuzzling his nose into his beard, then leaned in to find a spot on his neck to kiss. Even as he brushed his tongue against it, there was something softer to it. He tasted just as he would have expected to, after having spent so long buried in his neck. He moaned anytime he did something just right, but otherwise occupied his mouth with his skin.

\---

He tipped his chin to give him more access to his neck, having imagined that one day the mage might not be content with just resting against his neck and would one day want to taste it. He wondered just how different it was for Anders, who had to be used to smooth hairless flesh full of deep grooves from his tattoos. Maybe he preferred the taste of a human over that of an elf.

\---

He found a particularly pleasant spot to close his lips around and he sucked. Again, there was something soft to it, but he did not give up his flesh for quite some time. At that point, he’d thoroughly marked him, even though it hadn’t been his intention. Clutching him as he was, his fingers started to seek out the lines he could find on Hawke’s back. They weren’t what he was use to, even as his fingers instinctively tried to find patterns he knew well, but he could feel the grooves of his muscles and he began to trace them instead.

\---

He breathed a low moan, liking the feel of him sucking on his skin and knowing he’d be wearing marks from him for it. No doubt Isabela would notice and have questions, but he’d let her speculate whatever she wanted. He started to take him just a little faster, using his sounds to gauge just what he liked both from his cock and from the hand working him and adjusting to try to give him more of whatever won him the best moans.

\---

His head fell back and his mouth fell open, giving the rogue what he wanted. He was giving in far more than he’d meant to, but as much as he’d needed this, it was hard to not lose himself. “Harder,” he gasped, knowing that he’d be able to oblige him. He felt so good inside of him and rather than quicken it, he wanted to intensify it that way.

\---

If that was what he wanted, he was happy to give it to him. He took him harder, still angling to hit the spot that kept the mage singing for him. He started to stroke him faster as well, wanting to give him a thorough working with his hand before he made him come undone.

\---

Hawke was thorough in his treatment of him and by the time Anders was falling apart, he was writhing roughly beneath him. His fingers digging and his back arching, he came as hard as he was being worked, crying out and then gasping when he had no voice for his pleasure.

\---

The rogue barely managed to hold himself back long enough to get the healer through his pleasure. He reveled in the sound of his release, managing to work him all the way through it before he finally spilled himself, finishing with a few last hard bucks into him. When it was done, he collapsed down onto the mattress beside him, panting and looking so satisfied.

\---

For a time, all he did was recover. He was ever aware of the distance between them though. There wasn’t much of it, but he couldn’t help but be worried that it wouldn’t be closed. That he wouldn’t be pulled back into his arms. He didn’t want to go to him, so he watched him and waited.

\---

Hawke took some time to cool down and catch his breath, then looked over the him. He sat up, then leaned over Anders and wrapped his arms around him, using the hold to shift them both higher up onto the bed so they could rest properly on the pillows. “Do you want to sleep in here tonight? We can go back to the other room if you’re more comfortable…”

\---

He couldn’t help but smile when Hawke moved them up, rather enjoying the way he did it. When they were settled, he slid his arms around him so he could hold onto him. “We can stay here.” It really didn’t make a big difference to him. This place wasn’t his home so one bed was the same as the other… at least after this. “Your bed is really nice.”

\---

“Comfy, isn’t it?” The guest beds were nice, but he put more money into his own mattress. He cuddled up to his side now that they were settled on the pillows. Hopefully he could get Anders to stay here with him more often, where the bed was softer and the oil was close at hand.

\---

“It is,” he agreed, still watching him intently. For a while he was quiet, processing everything that had happened as his body continued to cool down. “Hawke, would Fenris be upset with me?” As if he would know. He would know better than Hawke, but he found himself seeking outside assurance that what they’d done was okay. “You said he’d want me to be happy, but… I don’t want him to feel like I’m…” He couldn’t even bring himself to say it. Replacing him. He could never replace him.

\---

“He wouldn’t be upset. He’d want you to do what was good for you. He wouldn’t want you to suffer of this any more than you have to.” He pressed a kiss to his cheek, knowing that his words probably wouldn’t be enough assurance, but they were all he had.

\---

He gave a nod, trying to accept that. He turned to meet his lips, kissing him softly. “...Nothing’s changed?” Those were his worries. Fenris first and foremost, then Hawke. He wanted to make sure that his assurance from before, his promise, was still true.

\---

“A lot has changed. I’m going to be dreaming about what we just did.” He smirked. “I might not be able to keep my hands off of you when we wake up. I’ll try to behave, though.”

\---

He smiled again, warmer this time. “Good.” He adjusted his head on the pillow, giving himself a little wiggle to get comfortable. “Goodnight, Hawke.” He was tired and he knew that it wouldn’t take long for him to get to sleep after this - his tears had been coming less and less and he knew with this development, that would only become even more true.

\---

“Goodnight, Anders.” He closed his eyes, feeling so satisfied. It had been as good as he’d always hoped it would be to take Anders and it sounded like he was more than happy to let him do it again. Before long Anders would stop wondering if this would upset Fenris and their sex would be as easy and natural as their kisses had become.


	8. Chapter 8

The following months lead to a very comfortable routine and Hawke found it so much easier to shake off the guilt he'd felt for what he'd done to Fenris. Anders was happier now and he was his. Well, he hadn't said as much. But he felt like his. He spent each morning with him, cuddling, kissing, making love. Even some of their days were passed together as Anders’ anxiety about letting him leave for missions without him often meant they went together when they could. Even out with the others, they were affectionate and felt like they were a couple, though there were no labels and Hawke always deflected the questions their friends had.

On this night, Hawke had finished giving and taking pleasure from Anders’ body and they were settled up on the pillows. He wasn't ready to get to sleep just yet though. He laid beside the mage, studying him, letting his eyes roam him while he was bare and flushed from the heat of what they'd done. He could hardly believe how lucky he was.

\---

So much had changed and though he would give it all up to have the life he use to have back, he was happy. Happier than he thought he could be. He would have never believed he would feel the things that were thrumming through him so strongly again, especially not so soon, but they were there.

Reluctant as he was to label their relationship, he knew they were together. They treated each other as if they were and the way his thoughts were always on the rogue, filled with worry for him and excitement to see him, reflected what was in his heart. What he pretended to ignore, but what helped to fuel the happiness that made him willing to continue on.

While they were laying together, recovering from their latest passions, the feeling flooded through him, warming him from the inside out. He smiled at him, watching Hawke admire him and doing the same, a hand tracing his side slowly.

—

Hawke glanced down at the hand that trailed along his side, but it wasn't long before they fixed on Anders again. He remembered how rare his smiles used to be after Fenris had disappeared. But now the mage looked happy and he knew he'd done the right thing when he chose to sell the elf back to his master. He was back where he belonged and Anders looked like he was also right where he belonged - naked, satisfied, and happy in his bed.

\---

He would have been content to silence for the rest of the night, the looks they were sharing more than enough, but he could feel his chest swelling the longer their eyes met. He knew what he was feeling, so very familiar with this particular emotion, and he knew that everything between them was only going to get stronger. This feeling was only going to get stronger.

“Hawke…” he started slowly, looking at him intently. “I love you…”

—

The words caught him off guard. He knew Anders did, it was obvious in the way they looked at each other. But to hear him say it was something else entirely. His eyes were wide, but when the initial shock passed, his smile spread into a grin. “Am I dreaming? You usually only say that when I'm dreaming.”

\---

He flushed and gave his shoulder a push. “Be serious, Hawke.” The reaction actually helped his nerves, but he couldn’t help but be a little sheepish. “That’s the last time I tell you how I feel.” He didn’t mean it, though, and that much was clear.

—

“If you told me sooner, I wouldn't have had to dream about it.” He chuckled, but when he met his eyes, they were sincere. “I love you too, Anders. I have for a long time.”

\---

 

Hearing him say it felt really good and he smiled at him, but the way he said it made his head cock a little. “A long time?” What did he mean by that? Over the passing months or…?

\---

He nodded. Longer than Anders would ever know. His hand found the one that had been stroking along his side and his took it, lacing their fingers together. “I just didn’t know when to tell you. You made it easy by saying it first.”

\---

“Well then, we know how we feel.” They loved each other. He stroked his thumb against his hand, meeting his gaze. He felt happy - happier than he had in so long. This was the happiest he’d been. He had Hawke and everything would be okay as long as they had each other.

\---

He leaned in and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to his lips. “I love you.” He murmured, liking the way it felt to say it out loud. “I’m so lucky to have you.” It wouldn’t have been possible if the elf was still around.

\---

His smile widened and he brushed their lips together since he was so close. “I love you too.” He didn’t think Hawke was lucky, but if Hawke wanted to believe he was, he wasn’t going to discourage him. The rogue could do much better than him, but he didn’t particularly want to remind him of that.

\---

It was good that the smile stayed on his lips. He’d half expected the mage to break down in sobs once they’d gotten this far. This new milestone could bring him renewed grief, but at least for now, he was happy. It was better this way - Hawke knew he still loved Fenris, but this moment wasn’t about the warrior. It was for them and he had no place in it right now.


	9. Chapter 9

Nearly a year later, Hawke seldom thought of Fenris or what he’d done to him. His occasional nights of lying awake, unable to sleep with his guilt gnawing at him, were now few and far between. Even when they did happen, Anders was quick to comfort his ‘survivor’s guilt’ and he always slept well after that. The healer had his moments when he was sad for his lost elf and once in awhile visited the empty grave they’d made for him, but for the most part, Anders was happy. They both were. Their days were filled with joy and the broken Anders working himself to the bone in his clinic after Fenris’ ‘death’ was only a distant memory.

After a day spent on a simple mission, holding hands and stealing kisses whenever they could, they’d had plenty of energy left when they returned home. They’d spent it in bed, wearing themselves out in pleasure before curling up to get some sleep. There was no guilt or sadness bothering Hawke at the moment, his head tucked against the mage’s shoulder as he slept, deep and untroubled.

He was under so deeply that he was completely unaware of the elf that stood at the foot of the bed, watching them in horrified fascination. The front door had been locked, but that was far from the hardest obstacle he’d had to get through since escaping Tevinter a second time. He’d imagined coming up here, dragging the rogue out of bed, and tearing him apart while he asked him all that he needed to know. But the scene he’d walked in on changed things.

Anders was in his arms. Naked, content, sleeping Anders. His Amatus. Had he been in on this? Had he plotted this with Hawke to get rid of him so they could be together? He’d thought the betrayal couldn’t get any worse than it had been, but it was possible he was wrong. He didn’t honestly feel that was the case, though. His Anders couldn’t do that to him. And if he had, he wouldn’t have kept his sword at his bedside as some sick trophy.

Still, seeing the rogue wrapped up with his mage like this was enough to make him sick, his rage dampened by a deep uneasiness in the pit of his stomach. If he had anything in his system to vomit, he likely would have. It wouldn’t have been the best way to wake Hawke up after all he’d put him through, so it was fortunate he was able to take all of this in without retching.

He’d been dreaming of this moment for so many months and he wasn’t about to let the surprise of Anders’ presence change his mind. He and Hawke had unfinished business that he needed to attend to and he’d sort out what Anders was doing with him later. Honestly, it should be a relief after the time he’d been fretting that he’d come back and find that Hawke had betrayed them both and made his lover Tranquil, but finding him like this couldn’t exactly be considered a relief, not just now. His lips pulled back into a snarl and he gripped Hawke by the hair, viciously yanking him out of bed and to the floor. He was on him in a moment, grabbing him by his neck and bashing his head into the floor. He couldn’t get too carried away, knowing he’d need him intact if he wanted answers, but it was so very satisfying to hear his skull crash into the floor over and over again.

Hawke yelped as soon as he was pulled from bed, his hands clawing at the man that gripped him. He looked up to see an elf above him that was almost unrecognizable. Almost. He’d lost weight he didn’t have to lose in the first place, his face terribly gaunt. His hair only showed white in a few places that weren’t matted with dirt and dried blood. He looked wounded and ill, his scent an odd mix of earth from the fields he’d been sleeping in while in hiding, blood from the men he’d killed the get there, and the medicinal smell of a makeshift salve that was doing a poor job of fending off infection. All of that could have thrown Hawke off, but even in the darkness, there was no mistaking the blue light that flickered dangerously in the grooves carved into the elf’s skin. He tried to say his name, to say anything, but the force of his head hitting the ground was quickly dazing him.

\---

It was hard to say whether it was the yelp that woke him or the feel of his lover being yanked out of his arms, but either way, the mage shot up. He was briefly disorientated, but as awareness came to him, he saw that Hawke was being attacked. That was all that registered to him and he reacted instinctively, throwing a powerful wave of energy at his attacker that threw the elf off of him, sending him flying back into the wardrobe.

“Hawke!” He tried to scramble up, his eyes fixed on the rogue, seeing the damage he’d taken. The next spell lit the room would reverse whatever damage had been done to his skull.

\---

Fenris snarled as he hit the wardrobe, pushing himself quickly back to his feet. It was a feat that he’d gotten up so fast in the state he was in, fueled by rage alone. “Do you know what he has done, Amatus? Do you defend him knowing what he has done?” He asked in a growl, though a break in his tone betrayed some of the hurt cutting through his anger. Hawke pushed himself to sit up, relieved that the pain was gone but still dizzy from the hits. “We can talk about this, this doesn’t have to get out of hand…”

\---

The familiar voice startled him and the mage looked over at the man that had been attacking his lover. He stared at him, seeing, registering, but not believing. “F-F…” He couldn’t even managed his name. He shook his head, his expression becoming bewildered. He looked to Hawke, staring at him instead. “Hawke, what...?” What was he talking about? Talk about what?

He had to looked back at the elf, his entire body beginning to tremble. “It’s a demon.” It was the only thing that made sense to him - a demon had taken the form of his beloved elf to try and trick them.

\---

Hawke pushed himself the rest of the way to his feet, looking between Anders and the furious elf against the wardrobe. “It could be a demon…” It was always a possibility that was what happened and the real elf was still somewhere back in Tevinter where he belonged.

“Does he know?” Fenris asked Hawke now, taking slow and threatening steps toward the rogue. “Did you plan this together? Or did you just tell him I never came back from the coast that day…”

\---

Could be? Could be? What was the alternative? He saw ‘Fenris’ moving in and he wasn’t going to have any of that, so he threw a glyph at his feet, freezing him in place. “It’s trying to…” He failed to find the words. It was trying to confuse them. He didn’t know why, why it thought this was the best way to approach them. Why it was trying to even approach them at all - surely it could feel that he was already occupied. Demons didn’t seek him out anymore, here or in the Fade, not now that he had Justice with him.

“We have to kill it.” His voice was thick, seeing him, even in the state he was in - why did he look like that? - was tearing open wounds that hadn’t completely healed.

\---

Hawke swallowed hard, looking at the frozen elf, and nodded. They had to kill him. He didn’t want to kill him, had never wanted that, but it was the only way. He would lose everything if he didn’t. He moved to the nightstand beside the bed and grabbed the knife he kept there, finding it felt incredibly heavy in his hand at the moment. He looked back to Fenris, seeing his accusing eyes fixed on him, knowing he was silently daring him to do what he hadn’t had the stomach to do to get rid of him in the first place. His hand was shaking as he approached the elf, reminding himself that this was the only option.

\---

He watched him grab the knife, but had to look away. He couldn’t witness this. He could barely stomach the building apprehension that he might be wrong. Tears had filled his eyes, making them shine, so he closed them, waiting for it to be over. It isn’t a demon. His eyes snapped open and he froze. It isn’t a demon, it’s him. Stop him.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing and he didn’t react. Stop him!

“Hawke! Wait!” he rushed forward, closing the distance between them and stepping in front of the elf. “Fenris?” he choked, staring at him, the tears in his eyes thickening. He let the glyph fade, his hands raising to take his cheeks, meeting his eyes intently. “Fenris, is it you?”

\---

The moment Anders touched him so tenderly, the fury left his eyes. Instead, they filled with tears, a couple of them spilling out and cutting clean trails through the dirt smeared on his cheeks. “Five hundred and eighty four days. I haven’t seen your face in five hundred and eighty four days…” He murmured, his voice strained.

“Anders, stand back. Don’t listen to it.” Hawke said with rising panic in his tone, grabbing the mage to tug him back from the elf.

\---

He burst into tears, shaking off the hand grabbing at him without thinking about it. “Maker, it’s you. It’s you, oh gods.” He threw his arms around his neck, basically pressing all of his weight into him. “It’s him. It’s him.” He kept repeating this, still in disbelief. “He didn’t die, Hawke, you were wrong, he didn’t die.” He’d thought they’d killed him, but they hadn’t and Anders hadn’t even tried to look for him. He hadn’t known.

\---

Fenris embraced Anders’ tightly, though the hold felt frail and weak without revenge to fuel it. “Is that what he told you? Did he tell you I was dead?” He asked through his tears, so angry that Hawke would tell that lie, but so relieved that Anders genuinely hadn’t known what had become of him.

“You know it’s dangerous to listen to them. You have to let him go…” Hawke stepped in to try to seperate the two of them and was surprised that he was successful. Only because Fenris lunged at him, sudden strength and energy filling him once more as he struck the rogue in the face, sending him sprawling and following him to the floor to keep pounding his fists into his face.

\---

“Fenris!” he yelled, twisting in time to see them crashing to the floor. “Stop!” His distress at seeing his lover… his other lover attacked was pulling more tears to his eyes. He was right after them, grabbing hold of Fenris’ shoulders and yanking him off of him. “Hawke didn’t know!” He didn’t know that he’d survived the battle and when he’d been taken away, he’d thought they were taking only a body, though that part of it never had made sense to him.

“Stop, please!” He needed both of them to stop. “Stop, don’t hurt him!”

\---

“He didn’t know? He didn’t know just what he was doing when he handed me to Danarius?” He couldn’t reach Hawke for another swing since Anders had pulled him back, but he did call the rogue something that sounded rather nasty in Tevene and spat on him. Hawke pushed himself back, wanting to put distance between himself and Fenris, holding a hand to his bleeding lip. “The demon is trying to seperate us…”

\---

He looked at him in confusion, shaking his head. “No, no. Hawke wouldn’t do that, Hawke would never.” He turned to look at him, clearly not believing it. “He’s not. He’s not a demon, Justice knows. He’s not, it’s him Hawke.” He wanted to cling to him, but something was happening here and he had to stop it. “Fenris, just calm down, love.”

\---

Hearing Anders call Fenris love hit Hawke harder than any of the elf’s blows had. “Justice can’t know for sure. It can’t be him. It can’t possibly be him.”

The warrior shook his head. “I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill him like he should have killed me that day instead of selling me and hoping I’d never escape.”

\---

“Fenris, stop it!” He grabbed hold of him and dragged him further away. “He didn’t sell you!” He turned his eyes to Hawke, at a loss and demanding an answer. “What happened, Hawke? Why is he saying all of this?” Why was he so confused? “What happened that day?”

\---

“If he survived what they did, there’s no telling what they did to his mind. Just look at him, he’s sick.” Hawke got to his feet again, eager to get further away from Fenris. He moved to where he’d tossed off his clothes from earlier that day, wanting to cover himself now that it seemed Fenris wasn’t about to pounce on him again.

\---

That seemed to make sense to him and he turned back to the elf. “He’s right, love.” He stroked his arm, trying to convince him now that he’d been convinced himself. “It was so bad, we thought you were dead.” He hated himself for not knowing better, but there was no way he could have. “I’m so sorry, I should have been there to protect you, but you have to understand that Hawke didn’t do what you think he did.”

“I’ll never let anyone take you away from me again.”

\---

“You could not have protected me, he made sure we were alone. He drugged me and he gave me to Danarius. Sold me for a sack of coin and my sword.” Fenris was shaking with fury but did not rush for Hawke again.

“Fenris…” Hawke’s tone was full of sympathy. As if he couldn't fathom the things that must have been done to the warrior to make him think that.

\---

“Fenris, he’s a good man.” A man he loved. A man he trusted. “We know him, my beautiful elf, oh look at you.” He wanted to wash him, to feed him, to hold him and never let go. “He’s our friend.” He was more than that to him at this point, but he wasn’t thinking about all that right now. “He would have no reason to do that, think about it. You’re confused, but it’s going to be okay.”

\---

“He did it for you. Don’t you see that?” It was the only thing that made sense. The only reason he’d tell Anders he was dead and take him into his bed. “He got rid of me and I’ll bet he was right here to comfort you through your grieving.”

“Enough. You’re unwell. You need rest.” Hawke said firmly, his voice having an edge of irritation at the accusations, true as they were.

\---

His brow furrowed, but he shook his head in denial. “No… he helped me because he was my friend.” He looked over at Hawke, looking a little uncertain. It was clear that even if he wasn’t convinced, the elf had him thinking. “He felt awful for what happened to you - I’m sure he feels even worse now. If he knew you were alive, we would have come for you. I’m so sorry we didn’t come for you.”

\---

“I could see how friendly he’s been to you while I’ve been gone. He made you vulnerable and he took full advantage.” Fenris bared his teeth at the rogue. “I will kill you for this. You’ll die slow for all you’ve done.”

“There’s no sense talking to him until he’s feeling better. He’ll need time to recover from whatever they’ve done to him. Especially if Danarius really did get his hands on him again.” Hawke said stiffly, not liking the doubtful look Anders had given him.

\---

The way he worded it gave him a lot of guilt - the guilt he’d spent so long pushing away. Convincing himself that his relationship with Hawke was okay, that it was what he would have wanted for him. It was clear that wasn’t the case, but it was also clear that there was a lot of  confusion.

He could agree with as much as Hawke was saying, so he looped his arm around Fenris’ to keep him close. “Let’s go home. We’ll get you cleaned up and we’ll talk, okay?”

\---

Fenris’ face softened a little and he looked to Anders. Home. He could go home with him. That brought fresh tears to his eyes and he nodded. “We’ll go home.” He agreed, though he cast a dangerous look at Hawke, making sure the other knew that this wasn’t over by a long shot.

Hawke’s stomach dropped, hating the idea of Anders leaving and calling someplace else home after so long with him. “I’ll meet up with you in the morning and see how he’s feeling…” And also make sure Anders knew that he still had his heart and wanted things to continue as they had been.

\---

That was better. He used the hold on his arm to tug him over to where his robes were laying. “Stay with me.” He kept a hand on him through the entire dressing process, only taking it off to switch between hands as needed for getting everything in place. They were robes that he wouldn’t recognize, far finer than what he use to wear.

When he was dressed, he looked to Hawke. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He gave him an apologetic look, before pulling his elf towards the door.

\---

Fenris eyed the robes, but he wasn't surprised. Much had clearly changed in his absence. He glowered at Hawke as they passed him, but made no move to go after him. He'd kill him, but it didn't have to be tonight. Better that he spent a little more time living in fear.

Hawke had given Anders a longing look, but said nothing. He'd see him tomorrow. He'd see him and convince him to come back.

\---

He walked with him, making his way out of Hawke’s mansion and to Fenris’. It had been abandoned since his ‘death’. It looked about how they’d left it, except perhaps emptied of his own belongings, but with a layer of dust.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” He still sounded in disbelief that this was happening and he hadn’t stopped shaking since he’d realized what was happening. He took him to the tub and grabbed a rag laying nearby to remove the dust so he could fill it up and warm the water.

“All ready, love, get in.”

—

They were home. The home they'd shared right up until the moment he’d been made a slave a second time. His eyes were full of tears and his breathing was ragged, but he wouldn't let himself break down just yet.

He began to strip out of the tattered remnants of armor he wore, revealing just how thin he'd gotten in his year and a half away from home. He was ill and feverish, undoubtedly some of it caused by the swollen cuts and scrapes covering him. He pulled off a makeshift bandage from the worst of it - a large patch of skin missing from his chest that looked swollen and terribly painful but scarred over for the most part. Entirely bare, he slipped into the water and began to shiver despite the warmth of the water.

\---

“Good, love,” he encouraged him, the tears that had been continuing to swim in his eyes falling as he took in his state. He knelt outside of the tub and, a clean rag in hand, and he dipped it in the water, lathered it in soap, and began to gently wash him. He freed up dirt around his wounds and everytime one was clean enough, he healed it.

“I’ll make you something nice and warm to eat,  okay? You’ll feel so much better, my love.” He knew there wasn’t much in the way of food here, but there had to be rice and dried spices, if nothing else. “You’ll be back to yourself soon.”

He left the wound on his chest for last, analyzing it. It was strange, seeing the skin without his markings. The pattern on his torso which had one been so symmetrical was lopsided now.

“There’s infection under the skin - I’ll have to release it.” He didn’t want to do it to him, but if he did, he would be able to heal it and take away his pain. He was silently crying, but his expression was calm and his demeanor was reserved.

—

Fenris shifted one way or another to help the mage to scrub him clean. But when each wound was healed, he tensed and startled in ways that he hadn't in a very long time, though he didn't protest. “Do what you need to, it doesn't matter. It only matters that I'm home with you.” His voice was low and strained, having desperately missed the gentle hands that washed him now.

\---

He pulled a knife off of his hip and pressed it to his chest. “It’ll be over soon,” he assured him, making a quick, but deep cut. Infection began to spill out as soon as he pulled the knife away, along with blood. He pressed around the wound, helping to expel it, and only when he was sure that he’d gotten all of it, he cleaned the wound and healed it.

“There. All better.”

—

The scar tissue was sensitive and he had drawn a hissing breath when it was cut, but was able to hold still while he expressed all of the infection from the wound. He was trembling by the time it was done, cold and ready to be out of the bathwater that was murky with dirt, blood, and infection.

\---

When all was said and done, he was looking far better. Not good, but better. “Time to get you in bed.” He helped pull him out of the tub and wrapped a towel around him, nice and snug, before walking him to the bedroom. He took him to the bed and helped him slip under the covers so he could sit against the headboard.

“Okay, I’m going to bring you something to eat and drink. Stay here and rest.”

—

Fenris let him prop him against the headboard, so weary and so relieved to be back in his own bed. But when Anders said he was going to prepare his meal, he took hold of his lover by the wrist and shook his head. “Stay, Amatus. Stay here with me.”

\---

 

“I have to take care of you - you need to fill your stomach. I’ll be back soon, just close your eyes and wait for me.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to his forehead, before pulling back from him and starting out of the room so he could cook him something.

—

He watched him go, wanting to protest but knowing he wouldn't have his way. Taking care of people was what Anders did best and there would be no deterring him. He looked around the room, trying to familiarize himself with it again though he felt like he'd been gone for decades.

\---

It was a considerable time later that he returned with a bowl of steaming rice and a cup of water. He’d kept it bland to help his stomach accept it, but there was a little salt to help add flavor. The rice had been teeming with insects and he’d had to skim them off with water, which was what had taken longest of everything he had to do to prepare it.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, setting the bowl down in his lap and offering him the cup. “Drink up first.”

—

Fenris took the water and drank it, greedily at first, though he quickly had to stop when his stomach began to cramp. He slowed himself down and sipped at the water before he set it aside to start in on the rice. His enthusiasm made it clear that he hadn't had a hot meal in a long time, devouring the rice until he had finished about half of it. He wanted to get more down but it took him a long time to chew and swallow the last few stubborn bites before he had to give up.

\---

“Much better,” he approved, taking the bowl from him and setting it aside. He’d stared at him while he ate, taking him in and trying to accept that he was really here. It seemed the wetness in his eyes would never fade, but there  weren’t tears sliding down his cheeks anymore, so that much was an improvement.

“Why don’t you lay down and get some sleep, love?”

—

“No.” He didn't want to sleep. He just now got his beloved back and he wasn't going to miss a moment of time with him by sleeping. “Come here.” He needed to hold him and breathe in his scent, everything he'd been dreaming of since he'd been taken.

\---

“Yes.” Even so, he gave him what he wanted, climbing into the bed, boots and all, and sitting next to him so he could wrap his arms around him. “...I can’t believe it’s really you. I wished you would just show up, like you never left, but I never thought you would. You were dead.” He voice thickened as he went on and he had to shut his eyes, expression pained.

—

It wasn't close enough and Fenris shifted until he was on Anders’ lap, his gaunt and bony cheek pressed into the mage’s as he held him. “What did he tell you about that day? What did he tell you to make you think that I was dead all this time?”

\---

He accepted him, but wasn’t deterred. He would have him laying down soon, but for now he needed to touch and hold him just as much. There was something careful to his touch, as if afraid that he would break him.

“He told me you were attacked,” he explained patiently, telling him all of the details he’d drawn out of Hawke since it’d happened. “He blames himself for what happened - he would cry sometimes, Fenris.” He wanted him to understand that his loss has affected Hawke more than anyone else, ignoring himself.

—

“He must have genuinely felt guilty about it then. He told me he was sorry. When I asked him what was happening after he drugged me on the beach, he kept saying he was sorry and that I was his friend.” The memory had him shaking again. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders to embrace him tighter, nuzzling his face against him. “There was no attack. The whole transaction was planned and peaceful.”

\---

“You’re confused.” He couldn’t believe that Hawke would do that to Fenris. Or to him, for the matter. “You were accusing me of helping him, remember?” It hurt to acknowledge, that he could think he would do such a thing to him. It did show how confused he was, though. “You have to remember Hawke for who he is, just like you did for me. He’s a good man.” An incredible man, really.

—

“When I saw you in bed with him, I thought maybe you knew. That maybe you wanted to get rid of me so you could have him so you asked him to give me to Danarius. But I know you wouldn't do that to me. It was all his plan to get to you.” He pressed a kiss to his cheek, an apology for even thinking he was capable of that for a moment. “Sometimes good men do terrible, terrible things. I would have trusted him with my life, but he held me in his arms and offered me to Danarius. I'm not confused at all, I remember every second of it, right up until the sedative knocked me out and I woke up chained on a ship.

\---

He sighed, not believing it. He didn’t want to keep telling him he was wrong since he believed it happened this way so strongly, but it was impossible. “Hawke could have had me. If he’d chosen me instead of Isabela, a lot would be different, but he didn’t. He chose her because he didn’t want me and he still didn’t want me until you…Until you were gone. That’s when we got close. He was there for me, not because he was trying to ‘win me over’, but because he’s a good friend and no one would understand like I would.”

—

“But it didn’t work out with Isabela, so he set his sights on you. He got rid of me and he took you from me. He convinced you I was dead so you’d love him if you knew I was never coming back. I didn’t know why he asked Danarius for my sword, but now I understand. He gave it to you as proof of my death…” He was angry, but the betrayal hurt him more than enraged him at least for the moment. He wept softly against Anders’ cheek, hating the thought of how happy Anders had looked tangled up with Hawke in his bed.

\---

“Fenris…” The only farfetched thing about his side of things was that it hinged on Hawke behaving in a way that was so contrary to the man he was. “Will you not even consider that this was something Danarius did to you? Convinced you so that you wouldn’t try to escape, thinking that you had been betrayed by the people you care about?”  He didn’t like to hear him cry, but he relieved to hear it. It meant he was here.

“Please, just think about it.” He stroked a hand through his hair, parting the slowly drying locks.

\---

“He didn’t change my memories. He threatened to most every day. Any time he thought I looked at him with a bit of defiance he’d threaten to take my memory again. I took every single punishment, every humiliation. Did all that he asked of me and more. Because if he took my memory, I would have forgotten you. I couldn’t lose you…” His weeping built to sobs, but they were weak and quiet, too exhausted for anything else.

\---

“Oh, my sweet elf.” A few tears darted down his cheek and he cradled him close. “You never lost me. You never will.” Never. “I’m yours.” He knew that to be true. Even when he had been Hawke’s, he had still belonged to the elf. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you - I’ll never let you go off on your own again.” This would never happen again. No one would take him away, not in any way,  not if he was there to stop it.

\---

“He wouldn’t have let you be there. He made certain we were alone. He’d promised Danarius he’d make me go with him quietly and after he drugged me, my master gave him extra coin for delivering me to him so gentle. I was so terrified, Anders. He handed me over to Danarius and I was too weak to raise a finger to stop him. You can’t tell me that wasn’t real, I remember all of it.” He said between harsh sobs and hitching gasps for air.

\---

He wasn’t going to argue with him anymore, not now. He was so worked up and it broke his heart to hear all of it. To see it written all over his body. “It’s over, love. It’s over, you’re with me. You’re safe.” He would never let this happen again. The thought kept repeating over and over, wishing there was something more he could do. He didn’t want to just protect him, he wanted to rip apart the man responsible for instilling such pain and fear into the man he loved. “Just breathe. Focus on the sound of my voice and just breathe.” He continued to talk to him, wanting to help him calm down so he could rest.

\---

“I’m not safe and it’s not over. I’m sure Hawke told him where I was. He’ll come look for me here. We’ll have to go soon, but not before I settle things with Hawke…” He was beside himself, trembling and falling apart. But Anders’ voice had always done wonders to soothe him and the more he did as he was told and fixated on his lover, the more his breathing began to calm slowly but surely.

\---

He was being irrational, but he would talk to him in the morning. Help convince him that everything would be okay. “That’s it. That’s better.” He encouraged him, when he could feel him calming. “Let’s lay down.” He started to shift with him, scooting down the bed so they could rest their heads on the pillows. He laid on his side, his arms wrapped around him, so he was pulled in flush to his chest.

\---

Fenris let himself be pulled down to the mattress, having no interest in fighting him even if he wasn’t ready to sleep. He curled up against him, wanting to be as close and tangled with him as he could manage. “I love you.” He murmured, his sobbing now quieted to soft, slow weeping.

\---

“I love you,” he murmured, his heart being so hard. “Shh, it’ll be okay.” When he ran out of things to say, he began to sing softly. He’d never sung for him before, or even around him, but there were songs he knew from when he was a boy and his voice wasn’t all that bad.

\---

It was so soothing to hear the familiar voice used in such an unfamiliar way. He closed his eyes, the songs lulling him until his tears finally stopped. His breathing had slowed and it was hard to determine whether or not he’d fallen asleep, but it was clear at least that Anders had calmed and comforted him.

\---

When he’d been still for a long time, he carefully eased back to look at him, trying to determine if he was awake. If not, he would remain as he was, but if so, he would try to slip away. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to, sensitive as he likely was to movement and sounds in his sleep, but he’d try.

\---

Fenris’ only response to him easing back was to tighten his grip on him just a little. He didn’t want him going anywhere. He’d waited so long to have him in his arms again and he was not prepared to give it up so soon. He’d much prefer Anders just go to sleep as they were - he had rudely awakened the mage in the dead of night, after all, and he was likely still tired.

\---

He wasn’t sure what the tightening meant, but he went still and continued to wait. He didn’t want to go, but he felt like he needed to. When it seemed like it had been long enough, he tried again, carefully leaning away to see how he would react.

\---

The elf had fallen into a light dose, but anything at all was enough to wake him since he'd been on the run again. He didn't try to tighten his grip this time, in case it was a call of nature prompting Anders to pull back. But he remained very aware of what he was doing, not wanting him to go anywhere else.

\---

When it seemed he was finally asleep, he pulled back completely and slipped off the bed, doing his best to avoid jostling it as he rose to his feet. Luckily, he was fully dressed, so all there was to do was head out and then come back.

\---

The elf was still as he felt Anders leave the bed. Perhaps he really was only going to the bathroom. He listened, curious where the mage’s footfalls would lead.

\---

He stepped out of the room and at that point, took quick strides out of the mansion. He had to go see Hawke and talk to him, especially since he knew he wasn’t going to get a good chance in the morning. Not if Fenris was going to be awake and with him - which is exactly what he wanted.

\---

Fenris got out of bed when he heard Anders heading out, finding one of the few outfits of his still lying around and pulling it on, though none of it fit now. He started out after the mage, only following him long enough to see where he was going. To Hawke. He was going back to Hawke. Rather than pursue any further, he turned back, deciding he'd wait for him back at home. All of the comfort he'd gotten from him was long gone and by the time he got the fireplace going and dropped into his chair for the rest of the night, he was a mess once more.

\---

He was use to just stepping inside, Hawke’s home having become his own, but he didn’t have the key on him and he found the door locked, so he had to knock. He stood outside, his arms folded, waiting. It was late and he didn’t want to wake anyone else, but he needed to take care of this now.

—

Hawke was wide awake and was quick to answer the door. He'd been drinking the wine he and Anders had had with dinner since the two of them left and now he was afraid that it would be the elf on the other side of the door, ready for a fight and his reaction time would be slowed by the alcohol. But when he saw Anders, he threw his arms around him, all but lifting him off his feet to pull him inside. “You came back. I didn't think you'd come back to me…”

\---

The reaction startled him, though it wasn’t surprising at all. “Hawke,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around him and holding him. For a moment, he stayed like that, pressing into him, but slowly he began to pull back. “We have to talk, Hawke.”

—

He nodded and though he didn't completely loosen his hold on Anders, he closed the door behind him. “Let's go sit down and talk then.” He stole a kiss from him before he sought his hand to lead him toward their room.

\---

He returned the kiss and followed him, but he was unsure of why he was heading back to the bedroom. “The living room is fine.” He tugged him the opposite way, trying to guide him over to a couch so they could sit.

—

Hawke followed the tug, moving to sit with him on the couch. “I just thought we could get more comfortable upstairs. You are staying, aren't you?”

\---

He frowned, feeling bad, but he really ought to know better. “No, I’m not. I’m here to talk and then I have to go back home to Fenris.” He’d come back from being presumed dead and he was hurt, sick, and traumatized. He didn’t really think that he was going to abandon him, especially now, did he? 

—

“...Alright.” His disappointment was all over his face and he shook his head. “I'm sorry, I guess it hasn't sunk in for me that he's really back and tonight wasn't some crazy dream. That hasn't been your home in a long time. Your home is here with me. I know he needs you, but this is where you belong.”

\---

His expression softened and he moved closer to him on the couch, squeezing his hand. “I’m so sorry, Hawke. I never thought this could happen - I love you so much.” He did. He loved him and he knew nothing would be the same after this. “If this didn’t happen, I know we would have been so happy for the rest of our lives, but it did happen and I can’t…”

Tears filled his eyes and he had to bow his head to try and regain himself. “I wish I didn’t have to choose, but it isn’t a choice. Fenris is back and things have to go back to how they were.”

—

“They can't.” Hawke squeezed his hand in return, his voice tight. “He's hurting, but he's going to have to understand that a year and a half is a long time. You moved on. You're with me now and we're happy, happier than we've ever been.”

\---

“I didn’t move on. You know that, you know I never stopped loving him.” As much as Hawke had come to hold his heart, Fenris had always had his fingers around it. “I was so happy with you, Hawke. I need you to know that, I was so happy.” The tears spilled, knowing that he was hurting someone that he never wanted to hurt. He was hurting himself just as much - he’d fallen asleep in his arms expecting to spend the rest of his life with him and then this happened.

—

“We can still be happy. This doesn't change the way we feel about each other.” He sounded desperate and leaned in to steal another kiss from him. “He's changed. Whatever they did to him, they made him different. You heard those wild accusations - he came here so crazy and dangerous we thought he was a demon. We'll help nurse him back to health and we'll help him understand that you and I are together and we're happy this way.”

\---

He didn’t protest the kiss, even responding a little while it lasted. “It doesn’t, I still love you, but Fenris is the one I was supposed to spend my life with and I won’t give him up.” He couldn’t give Hawke what he wanted, what he would have given him for the rest of his life if this hadn’t happened. As much as it hurt, he was relieved that it had. “I can’t, Hawke, you understand, don’t you?” Obviously not, but he had to help him accept it. “I never wanted to hurt you. If I’d known about all of this, I’d have never let it happen. I hate hurting you.”

—

“If you love me, then you shouldn't be so ready to give me up. You don't even know him anymore. Stay with me tonight. Stay with me and I'll convince you that just because he survived, it doesn't mean you have to go back to him. I'll be better to you than he ever was.” He couldn't help but be encouraged by the acceptance and he kissed him again, letting it linger.

\---

He didn’t like what he was hearing and it made him less accepting of the kiss. He still kissed him, but he broke it this time. “Don’t talk like that. He went through a lot because we failed him. Both of us. We left him for dead and he went through hell to come back to us.”

“He hasn’t changed, he’s just confused. I’m going to help him, no matter how long it takes, and you should want to do the same.” He frowned at him, but his expression had more heartbreak than anything else.

“It isn’t a contest and I won’t make it one.” He rose to his feet, knowing this conversation was coming to a close. “I came to tell you that you need to stay away until I help convince him that you didn’t set him up or sell him, okay?”

—

“It would be easier to want that for him if my life wasn't ruined the moment he set foot in Kirkwall again.” When Anders rose, he knew he would be going and there would be no convincing him to stay. He buried his face in his hands. “I'll stay away from him. I can't promise to stay away from you.”

\---

It hurt to see him like this and he stepped closer to him, leaning in to press a kiss to the top of his head. “I love you, Hawke. I’m sorry.” He left it at that, knowing any more would be dragging it out, and turned and go.

Outside, his vision became so blurred that he practically stumbled home. When he entered the mansion, he shut the door behind him and leaned into it, breaking down. He sobbed, hands lifting to cover his mouth as to not make any sound while he sank to the floor.

—

All would have looked normal from the doorway, but further back into the mansion, some furniture, new and old, had been destroyed as Fenris had taken out his frustration on his home for the first time in years. He was back in his chair by the fire, shaking and exhausted, half-dosing but unable to really sleep.

\---

It took awhile for him to pull himself together, but assuming that his elf was asleep, he wasn’t in a rush. It wasn’t until he got up and started to the bedroom that he noticed the light flickering from the doorway and realized something was wrong.

When he stepped inside, he saw the destroyed furniture and his eyes widened in alarm, but he caught sight of the elf and his initial fear was quelled, replaced with confusion.

“Fenris?” He approached him, coming to crouch in front of him, hands on resting lightly on his knees, looking up at him. 

—

He had tensed when he heard someone approaching, the first look he gave Anders being one of a cornered animal prepared to fight or flee. But the instant he realized who it was, his posture relaxed. His own trembling hands fell onto Anders’ on his knees, fresh tears filling his eyes. “You went back to him tonight. Why?”

\---

He internalized his reaction and his heart dropped when he saw the hurt in his expression. “I had to talk to him.” He knew he wouldn’t have a good opportunity to any time soon and really, he didn’t want the way he’d left earlier to be how things ended between them. “You were supposed to be sleeping - I would have been back before you woke up.”

\---

“I couldn’t sleep, but I let you go because I thought you just had to go to the bathroom. I didn’t know you would go back to him.” He swallowed down the lump in his throat, but his voice was still strained. “Is he the one you want to be with?”

\---

“I didn’t go ‘back to him’, I went to talk to him.” He met his gaze, feeling his own strain as he was forced to confront this. “No and I told him as much - he knows you’re the one I want to be with. Can we leave it at that?” He didn’t want to talk about it. He was hurting from having to break up with Hawke, something he never fathomed doing.

\---

Rather than answer him, Fenris slid forward from his chair, trying to crawl into Anders’ lap even though he didn’t really have a lap at the moment the way he was crouching. He wrapped his arms tightly around his shoulders, holding him desperately and sobbing into his shoulder. He really was his. Anders had said he belonged to him and he’d gone to tell Hawke that as well.

\---

Anders ended up falling back on his ass, but he wrapped his arms around him. He stroked his back, trying to comfort him, while at the same time trying to keep his own emotions down. “Promise me you’ll leave him alone.” He wanted to hear him say it, so he didn’t have to  worry about what was going to happen.

\---

“I can’t.” He buried his face into the healer’s neck. “You don’t have any idea how much suffering he caused me. He’ll sell me or kill me to get you back. I will kill him for what he’s done, I’ll make him wish he would have had the nerve to kill me that day on the coast.”

\---

“I know you went through a lot. You went through so much and I wish I could take it back, but hurting Hawke, killing Hawke, isn’t going to fix it.” He stroked his fingers through his hair, wanting so much to comfort him, but needing to make sure this was established. “He’s not going to do anything to you, love.”

“I know you think it was all some wicked plan, but Hawke took care of me. Without him, I don’t know where I’d be and…” He trailed off, not wanting to say more. He didn’t want to talk about the feelings he had - he knew he didn’t want to hear it and he didn’t think he could keep it together if he did. “He’s the reason I was here for you to come back to - I was going to run away when you… when you left.”

\---

“He comforted you through pain he caused you. You don’t want to believe he would do this, I wouldn’t have believed him capable either until it happened to me.” He had no idea how to convince Anders it was true, but he knew he wasn’t going to get an opportunity to take his revenge if he couldn’t. “The one mission he insists I go on alone with him, I never come home. I end up ‘dead’ with no body to be found. You have to believe me, Amatus. This was his doing. All the suffering we both went through was all because of him and what he wanted.”

\---

“Fenris, it doesn’t make sense.” He knew that what he was saying made some sense, but he was missing a few things. “You’re so insistent he would get rid of you for me, but I think I would know if he wanted me. He never showed any signs of wanting me and even if he did, even if you’re right that he wanted me all along, why would he do something so drastic? He could have tried without selling you into slavery. The kind of betrayal you’re talking about is not something you do for someone you have a slight feelings for.” He didn’t really see himself as good enough for Hawke, or Fenris for that matter, so the idea of either of them going to such lengths for him, prior to their relationships, seemed ridiculous to him.

\---

“He knew how much you loved me. He knew he’d be rejected. He needed you hurt and vulnerable, thinking that I was never coming home.” He insisted through his tears. “It makes sense, you just don’t want it to. He betrayed you as much as he betrayed me.”

\---

“Promise me you’ll leave him alone,” he repeated, not willing to entertain what he was saying. He was right, he didn’t want to believe it and he didn’t. “...I won’t forgive you if you do something to him. If you hurt him or…” He didn’t even want to say it. He could not handle the death of someone he loved, not after all this, but especially not if it was done by the hand of someone else he loved.

\---

“But you forgive him. You forgive him letting you think I was dead when he knew I was back to being Danarius’ pet. You forgive him for my beatings, my torture, my being branded like some prized animal.” He tightened his grip on him desperately. “Will you forgive him if he gets rid of me again? If I should have some unfortunate accident now that you’ve chosen me over him?”

\---

“Hawke didn’t do this to you, Fenris!” His voice had risen and after, he went silent. He took in a breath, regained himself, and tried again. “My precious elf, will you please trust me? Please? I will find a way to prove it to you and you will realize what a mistake you were about to make.” He stroked his fingers through his hair over and over, pulling back to try and meet his gaze. “Trust me.”

\---

Fenris let him pull back, but he couldn’t look at him, his eyes fixed on the floor. “I trust you. But you weren’t there, you only know the lies he tells you. I will let you try to prove it, but I ask that you trust me as well. I will prove that he did this. Then we will see if you are so forgiving of what he’s done.”

\---

He sighed and shook his head, quiet for a while. “What are you intending on doing? Trying to beat it out of him?” If he did a good enough job, he could probably get him to admit to anything. “I don’t want you around him.” He started considering if he could find Fenris’ truth, but the thought of doing anything to try and coax it out of him, basically accusing him of having done such a thing, left a terrible taste in his mouth.

\---

“No. There might still be some evidence around that he had correspondence with Danarius. We could talk to the others, see if there are any inconsistencies in the stories he told them about what happened to me. He got a ton of coin from Danarius so we could see if he made some big purchase after he sold me…” He needed more time to think about it, but he knew there had to be some sort of evidence of what really happened. Hawke had never expected him to return, after all, he likely hadn’t covered his tracks that well. No one would suspect him of such a thing.

\---

“Hawke can be a moron, but if he really did what you think he did, he wouldn’t just leave letters lying around. I was living with him.” He lifted a hand to his face and covered it, wondering how things could be so right and so wrong all at once. “If you can’t prove that he did it, will you consider that he did not?”

\---

“...I will try.” It was a reluctant attempt to compromise, at least. “It is just hard. It would be like asking you to consider that I’m not really here right now. You see me, feel me, hear me, smell me. You’re here experiencing this moment with me, but someone is telling you that this didn’t really happen. Do you understand?”

\---

“I understand. Better than you think, I understand.” He brought a hand to his cheek, stroking it with is thumb. “I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much it hurts to know what little I do.” It wasn’t about him though and he had no desire to make it so. “I would give anything to take it back or help you forget. Anything, my own life if that was what was needed to keep you safe and make you happy.”

\---

He leaned into his touch, needing it so badly. “I know you would. As I would give mine for you.” He had to believe he was somewhat safe here, at least for a little while. Until Danarius came sniffing around for him or Hawke decided to finish the job. He didn’t want to think of either of them right now. Only Anders.

\---

“Can we lay back down?” It was late, he was exhausted, mentally and emotionally, and most importantly, his elf needed rest. “I want to go to sleep so I can wake up in the morning and find you beside me.”

\---

The words warmed him and he nodded, shifting to climb out of his lap and onto his feet. It took him more than one try, weak and shaky as he felt. “Then let’s go lie down. When you wake, you’ll find me with you.”

\---

He rose up after him, staying close as they made their way to the bed. This time he undressed, taking off everything he was wearing down to his under robes and  climbing into bed. As soon as they were laying beside each other, he slid his arms around him and pulled him in flush. “I promise to stay here the rest of the night,” he assured him, knowing he’d upset him by leaving earlier.

\---

“Thank you. I need you here.” He nestled himself into Anders, tangling himself up in his legs. He leaned in to kiss him, needing to taste him after so long without. It was hard to maintain, struggling to breathe through his nose after so much weeping, but he needed it and persisted as long as he could manage.

\---

They’d not kissed in what felt like forever and he returned it just as he had with Hawke, but the desperation in the kiss was on his side. He didn’t try to draw it out, ever aware of him and his condition, but he poured everything he could into it for as long as it lasted. “I need you here too, love,” he whispered when it did break.

\---

“There is nowhere else I want to be.” He tried to press closer, but he was already as flush with him as he could get. “Rest, Amatus. I will be here when you open your eyes again.”


	10. Chapter 10

True to his promise, when Anders awoke, his eyes opened to find the elf in his arms. The sight made his heart pick up, though the morning light spilling in through the window emphasized how much his appearance had changed. “I’m going to make you breakfast,” he murmured to him, voice still filled with sleep,  leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead.

He didn’t want to get up, but his desire to make sure he kept his belly fully trumped his desire to hold him all morning.

\---

“It's as wonderful to watch you sleep as I remembered…” It was still incredible to him that he'd gotten the opportunity to do it again. “We will make breakfast together. I want to stay with you.”

\---

“You need to rest, especially if you didn’t sleep.” He’d hoped he would, but he wasn’t particularly surprised if he’d remained awake all night. “Let me make you something and bring it to you, alright?”

—

“I slept a little.” The light dosing that counted as sleep for him since he'd run away, anyway. He wrapped his arms tighter around him and nestled his cheek in his shoulder. “Just stay here with me.”

\---

“I want to, but you have to eat first,” he insisted, though he remained as he was. He didn’t want to let go of him either, so he gave him what he wanted, at least for a moment.

—

“I only need you.” That wasn't exactly true, he knew he needed nourishment badly and that he'd take in all he could stomach. But that seemed so unimportant when he was back with his love. He kissed his shoulder, then leaned in to kiss his lips.

\---

He returned the kiss, soft and sweet, but he wasn’t going to let him distract him with affection. Too much. After a while, he pulled back, ignoring protests, to get to his feet.

“Stay here.”

—

Fenris reached for him as he was getting out of bed, but he did as he was told and didn't follow. “I'll wait for you here.” He wrapped his arms around Anders’ pillow, content enough for the moment that it was warm and smelled like him.

\---

He looked him over, still feeling some disbelief that he was really there. He turned away and left the room, going to make some more rice, this time for both of them. Once he had it clean, he added more spices this time. They would both enjoy it more that way.

He returned a while later, carrying two steaming bowls and and forks. “Here we go.” He dropped down next to him and offered him one of the bowls.

—

He sat up when Anders returned with the food, eager to get something else warm in his stomach. He took the bowl offered and raised it to his face, inhaling the steam deeply. It smelled wonderful, but it prompted a coughing fit and he had to put the bowl back down into his lap to cover his mouth. The fit went on for a short time, the coughing itself sounding terrible, but really it was good to loosen up some of the congestion that had built up in his chest from too many cold nights out in fields and cold days walking in the rain.

\---

He watched him, making sure the coughing wasn’t going to progress to anything more. “I’ll go out and pick up some food for us.” He didn’t have any coin on him, but he knew where to find it. “Something soup or broth would be good for you for lunch.” He waited until he’d calmed from his fit to take a bit of the rice himself.

\---

“I’ll go with you. Soup sounds really good.” His voice was hoarse from all the coughing, but he felt a little better for it. He took up his bowl again, not inhaling the steam this time, and began to eat. Having something warm was good enough, but the spices made it even better and he made a soft sound of appreciation between bites.

\---

Even when he wasn’t coughing, Anders couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He just stared, absently eating his own rice. He wasn’t particularly hungry himself, but it was good and he got through most of it. “I wish you would just rest, love. It would make me feel better if you would stay in bed and let me take care of you for a while.”

\--

“I spent too much time away from you. I don't want to miss another moment.” Fenris leaned into him a little where he sat, steadily working on the rice. He ate most of it this time, again seeming to stubbornly force a couple more bites down even once his stomach was protesting. It was nice to be uncomfortably full for a change. “I will stay if you insist.”

\---

“Good. I do.” He leaned over and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. When they were both finished, he took his bowl so he could set them aside and leave their hands open. He slid his arms around him and pulled him in against him, savoring that he could do this at all.

“I’ll go later.” For now, he wanted to stay as close as possible.

—

Fenris settled into his arms, holding him tightly and pressing a series of soft kisses along his jaw. “I don't have the words in the common tongue to tell you just how much I have missed you. I dreamed of being back in your arms this way, but I didn't think it would ever actually happen again.”

\---

“I’m glad you came back to me,” he murmured to him, the idea that he might have never seen him again, never known that he was actually alive was horrifying to him. “I tried to tell myself everyday that you would want me to be happy, to move on with my life, but I never did. Not completely.”

—

“I would have wanted that for you if I was truly dead. But since I was very much alive and desperate to come home to you, I'm so grateful you didn't move on.” He couldn't imagine how he would feel if he'd returned here and Anders didn't want him. “I knew how crazy it would be to try to escape again. Especially after the way he'd branded me in magic so he could find me if I did escape somehow. But I had to try. I knew you might still be here waiting for me and I had to try.”

\---

He stroked his side slowly. “That’s what your wound is from.” He must have cut it off - the magister had been naive to think he wouldn’t do that if given the chance. “He’ll expect you to come back here, won’t he?” They couldn’t just go back to normal and expect that he wouldn’t come around looking for him.

—

“Yes. I think he hoped it was deep enough that I wouldn't be able to remove all of it without hitting major organs. He was wrong, but it was no easy feat. I lost a lot of blood and slept for two days after I carved it all out.” It was no wonder the infection had been deep under his skin. If he hadn't been able to make a salve and bandage it the way he'd learned helping in the clinic, it likely wouldn't have healed at all. His hand shifted up to rub the tender scar tissue beneath his shirt. “If he was told I was living here, yes. But if I'm lucky, he'll think I was staying in the village on the coast. If I'm luckier, he'll follow that blood magic brand of his to the bottom of the ocean where I threw it.”

\---

He was quiet for a time, thinking about all that he had to say. “I suppose it would be best for you if we left Kirkwall.” Leave their home and go somewhere far from here. He knew all the reasons why they couldn’t do that, but… he wasn’t sure it was enough to keep him here. It would mean choosing between his cause, the entire reason he was here, or Fenris.

\---

“It would. But we should have some time. He doesn't know about you, he likely doesn't think I would run right back here.” It would have been smarter to flee for somewhere far away and he hoped Danarius would anticipate him doing so, not rushing back to a lover in Kirkwall.

\---

He gave a little nod, but was clearly lost in his thoughts. After a while, he seemed to snap out of it and he focused on giving him further affection. “It’ll be alright. No one is going to lay a finger on you again.” He didn’t want him going on missions ever again and he didn’t think he would anyway, not while he thought Hawke had betrayed him.

\---

“We'll stay safe. Just you and me.” It was wishful thinking that their lives would be peaceful from now on, but it made for a nice dream. He pressed more kisses along his jaw, stroking his fingers along his chest.

\---

“Everyone will want to see you.” He didn’t know when they’d be told that he was back - he wasn’t worried about relaying the message just yet. “I wasn’t the only one that missed you.” He was including Hawke in that, though he wasn’t going to say so.

\---

“I missed them as well. But I thought of no one more than you.” His line of kisses made their way up to his lips where he lingered, so eager to keep connecting with him that way.

\---

Anders was rather enjoying the feel of his lips and when they made it to his own, he didn’t hesitate to meet the kiss. He’d missed the way he tasted so much. He drew it out, content to continue like this for a time. Sweet and simple kisses were all they needed. No words.

\---

He wasn’t thinking of Hawke or Danarius for the moment, his full attention on the mage as he kissed him. His fingers dipped below the collar of his underrobes, seeking the skin beneath the fabric as he continued to stroke his chest. He just needed to be fully absorbed in Anders the way he’d missed so deeply.

\---

He sighed when the hand slipped under to touch soft skin. He was as healthy as ever - all of the improvements his body had gained from being with someone that took care of him had continued with Hawke. Unlike the elf, he was truly the same as he remembered. He continued what he was doing himself, his fingers tracing the ribs at his side through his shirt, and reminded himself that he was going to have to buy a lot of food to help him put on weight.

\---

He explored what he could, but  it soon wasn’t enough. His hand withdrew so he could instead work on untying the robe and pulling it away. He deepened the kiss, craving more of him, wanting rediscover the mouth and body that he knew so well.

\---

Beneath the robe was nothing and he didn’t shy when he was revealed, but he did break the kiss, just as it was deepened. “My sweet elf,” he murmured against his lips, concern in his voice. “...Are you certain?” He didn’t want to acknowledge what he knew and he swallowed hard when the awareness made itself known. “I would be content to kiss you for the rest of the day.”

\---

“...I’m not certain what I am ready for. But I know that I need to touch you.” For so many reasons. He’d gone so long without him. He could touch someone that he wanted to touch. Anders had been getting his pleasure from the man who had betrayed him. It was so important to him right now and his fingers ran down his bare chest and stomach with the robe out of the way.

\---

He pulled back a little more, his eyes flicking between the elf’s and then down to where he was touching him. “I missed the way you feel.” Just touching him, he could feel the comforting pull of the lyrium in his skin. It was faint, but it was there. It was something that Hawke could never replicate for him and something that he’d yearned for a lot in the beginning.

\---

“I’ve missed you as well. Everything about you…” He let his hand wander to one of the mage’s side, tracing it up and then back down toward his hip. He leaned in closer and pressed soft kisses along the mage’s chest, his skin lighting up as he did so, making lyrium seep into Anders from his lips and his fingers. There was a deep comfort in knowing that it was a pleasure the rogue would never have been able to provide him.

\---

He hadn’t been expecting it and it pulled from him a shuddering gasp. “Maker,” he breathed, the arms around him tightening as the sensation he use to be addicted to was given to him once again. He groaned under his breath, his fingers suddenly pulling at his shirt, bunching it up so his fingers could slide beneath he and he could touch his back.

\---

It warmed him to hear the reaction, having missed it so much. This belonged to them and neither Hawke nor Danarius had any part in it. He ran his tongue slowly along his chest, pausing to tease a nipple along the way. Anders was his once more. He needed to touch him, to taste him. To make sure he could still please him so the other wouldn’t even think of the traitorous rogue.

\---

He groaned again, his back arching slightly to press himself closer to his mouth. “Fenris,” he practically whimpered his name, filled with a sudden need for him. A need that had his body beginning to react - it already felt so good from the touch alone and he couldn’t get enough, his fingers digging into the lines harder than he meant.

\---

He tensed at the pressure on his tattoos, but didn’t pull back. It was nothing at all compared to the pain he’d endured lately. Instead he continued what he was doing, kissing his way to the other side of his chest and letting his tongue come out to play with that nipple as well, his body glowing brightly in his need to give Anders all the lyrium he could after so long without. His hand shifted lower from his hip, stroking down his thigh, then back up to his groin. He could feel that he was starting to stir already and he gave him a squeeze, wanting to see and feel his cock at full attention once more after missing it for so long.

\---

Not only had it been a long time since he’d felt the lyrium, which was the most overwhelming sensation being offered to him, it had been a long time since his nipples had been given attention and they felt so sensitive, earning as much of a reaction as the squeeze to his cock did. He wanted to return the attentions, to please him as well, but he was rather caught up in what was happening to him and he couldn’t manage more than taking as much as he could from him.

\---

He was relieved to feel that he still knew just what his healer liked and he closed his lips around the nipple he teased, sucking on it as his hand began to rub his cock, trying to coax him harder. He pressed himself closer to Anders, wishing he was bare so that he could give him that much more lyrium from the contact. He needed this and the reactions soothed him nearly as much as all the gentle words and touches had.

\---

He didn’t hold back on his reactions, showing him that he was doing everything right and that he loved it. The efforts even made him squirm, his cock quickly thickening against his hand. “Fenris.” He couldn’t get enough of him and one of his hands slid up to bury his fingers in his hair and hold him against him, so he couldn’t stop his sucking.

\---

He was happy to oblige, sucking him and flicking the sensitive nub with his tongue. When he had enough to grasp, he began to stroke him. His hand still remembered him perfectly, knowing just where to slide his thumb and just where to apply the most pressure when he squeezed. As much as he liked all the reactions, best of all was hearing his name on Anders’ lips, knowing that he was thinking of him and not Hawke during this.

\---

His name continued to fall from his lips. Over and over, whenever anything felt particularly good - and everything felt amazing - he would find it tumbling out again. When his other nipple was aching with neglect, he pulled him to it by his hair, silently begging him to lavish it with his tongue. There was something mindless to the way he was reacting and though some part of him wanted more, what he was getting was more than enough.

\---

“I know you would have been content with kissing all day. But I want to give you more.” He murmured before he gave the other nipple the attention he needed. He sucked it hard, his free hand moving to tease the nipple he’d left behind.

\---

He heard him and at first he wasn’t going to respond, but he managed to pull himself together just enough to utter out, “It feels so good.” It did and his cock was leaking in his hand, hard and straining. He wanted his mouth elsewhere as well. On his cock and on his lips. He wished there were more hands to touch him, to lavish him in this incredible attention that he couldn’t get enough of.

\---

When he felt the way his cock was leaking, he couldn't wait any longer. He needed to taste it. He broke away from his chest and shifted down on his body, rolling his tongue up the length of Anders and lapping up the fluid that seeped out of him hungrily. His hands busied themselves, one with Anders’ balls and the other stroking along the inside of his thigh, desperate to touch him as much as he could.

\---

He made a whimpering sound when he began to move, both from losing his attention and from knowing what was coming. He felt the tongue on him and he jerked, the hand in his hair falling away so he could grip at the bedding with his fists. “Please,” he begged, continuing to leak for him and giving him plenty to lick.

\---

He continued to lap at the tip of him, greedily taking what he could get from him. When he was ready for more, he took him deep into his throat, then sucked him hard as he slowly withdrew. He made a soft sound of pleasure, as if he’d never tasted anything better in his life. He began to bob his head and suck him desperately, his fingers kneading his testicles while he worked him.

\---

Though it was the sensations that were overwhelming his senses, the way he was being taken, the fervor and the sounds with which the elf was swallowing him were making it through enough. They were doing just as much for him. Again, his name filled the room as the mage writhed beneath him, trying not to buck up in his mouth. It wasn’t going to take much more of this - he wasn’t use to this anymore and his body was throbbing as his release neared.

\---

He could feel that he wouldn’t last long and as good as this was, that was alright by him. He wanted to taste his release so badly. Besides, he planned to do this again very soon. He focused on the head of him, knowing just where he liked him to roll his tongue, and wanting to be sure every drop of his seed landed on his tongue.

\---

When it came, it came hard. He cried out and he spilled right onto his tongue, coating it in a thick load. By that point he was panting with exertion and when his hands relaxed on the sheets, his eyes opened from where they’d rolled back to find him. His cheeks were flushed and there was a brightness in his gaze as he reached for him, stroking his fingers through his hair. “I forgot how good that felt.”

\---

He couldn’t help but moan again as he took his seed, finding it tasted just as good as he remembered. He swallowed it down and gave the tip a few soft sucks for good measure, wanting to be sure he got it all. “I am happy to remind you.” He kissed the tip of him, then kissed it again when once wasn’t enough, before moving further down. He kissed the sack he’d been stroking, then moved along to one of his thighs, kissing his way along it. His lyrium still lit up his skin and it seemed he just hadn’t gotten enough of him yet to stop.

\---

He watched him, not sure what he intended, but appreciating the continued attention. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured softly, letting his hand drop when he moved out of his reach. “I never forgot how beautiful you were.” How beautiful he still was, even as malnourished as he was.

\---

He kissed his way along the other thigh before he found he missed Anders’ touch and shifted back upward to kiss along his shoulders instead. “I never forgot your beauty either, Amatus. Especially when your cheeks are flush with pleasure this way.”

\---

He smiled and shook his head. “I’ll never be as beautiful as you are.” Since he was close again, he reached for his cheek to cup it, feeling so good. So peaceful. “Will you let me pleasure you?” He wanted to return the favor, but he remembered from the beginning of their relationship that it was easier for him to give than to receive. If he wasn’t ready, he wouldn’t push.

\---

“You’re right. You’re already more beautiful.” He leaned into the touch and met his gaze, considering the question. It would likely be easier this time. Anders had his trust and his heart and had already helped him work through this once before. His body belonged to the healer and it ached for him now, his cock already somewhat stiff just from pleasing him. “Yes. I’ve missed your touch so deeply…”

\---

He propped himself up on an elbow so he could lean in and kiss him. “I love you,” he whispered to him, before sitting up completely and moving so the elf could take his place and lay down in the spot that he’d warmed with his body. He shrugged out of his outer robe, so he was completely naked, and as soon as he was in place, moved in to return the favor.

\---

He’d kissed him back, a somewhat nervous smile on his lips when it broke. “I love you more.” He sat up as well, taking off his baggy clothing and tossing it aside so he was also bare. He shifted to lie down on his back where Anders had been, his eyes fixed on the mage and his breathing picking up a little though his posture was relaxed.

\---

“Not possible.” He looked him over, his eyes traveling along the body he knew so well. The markings he’d memorized and could still trace blindly. “Don’t stop,” he requested, wanting him to continue to glow for him. He settled between his legs so he could lean over him and look down at him, his eyes lingering on the patch of scar that had ruined his markings. It was there that he started, leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to it.

\---

“I won’t.” He knew what he wanted and he would glow for him the entire day if he liked. His breath caught a little when he kissed the scar tissue. He was surprised he’d show that spot any attention - it was an eyesore and he knew how much Anders had always loved his markings. His hand found Anders’ hair, stroking his fingers through it slowly.

\---

He looked up at him and gave him a sad, little smile. He pressed another few kisses there, all in quick succession, before he wandered away, lavishing his skin in attention, his lips and tongue working to reacquaint himself with the body he’d so missed. A hand stroked over hip and along his side, acknowledging prominent bones as he passed them with the same affection he gave the parts of his body he loved.

\---

He breathed a soft sigh as he was explored, knowing how addicted Anders had been to running his tongue through the grooves in his skin when they were lit up this way. He could feel the way he gave his jutting bones acknowledgement and he gave a sad smile of his own. “Not as beautiful as you remember. But at least some of it can be mended with time.”

\---

“Just as beautiful,” he was quick to argue, knowing that the way he looked was not healthy or ideal, but not finding him any less attractive for it. “You’re the most stunning man I’ve ever seen, especially like this.” He pressed a kiss to a line of lyrium running down to his navel.

\---

“I’m glad you think so.” Especially since he’d been with Hawke. It was good to know he was still most attractive to his mage. He gave his hair another stroke, watching him work his way down and staying relaxed under his affections.

\---

His hand sought him out and as soon as he found him, he wrapped his fingers around him, biting his lip. The lyrium was so good and he wasn’t as resistant to it as he had once been, but he could focus better while he wasn’t being pleasured. “Tell me if it’s too much, love, but I want to taste you so badly.”

\---

He had tensed a little when he was grasped, concentrating on keeping his eyes fixed on Anders. “I’ll be alright. I haven’t felt that since you did it last so many months ago. Go on, Amatus.” That had never been used to hurt him and he knew he’d be able to tolerate that better than most anything else. Especially if he could keep watching his love and reminding himself that he was in the gentlest of hands.

\---

He was glad to hear it and he began to stroke him slowly, letting his mouth travel further down. He seemed particularly taken with his hip bones, tracing them with his lips, gentle kiss after gentle kiss. “I’m going to make the tastiest stew you’ve ever had today,” he murmured to him, knowing that it wasn’t the most appealing thing to say, but figuring it would feed another hunger he had.

\---

He appreciated the bit of distraction and his smile became more genuine. “A tasty stew sounds wonderful. I can’t remember the last time I had a good stew.” His fingers massaged at his scalp, appreciating the gentle treatment and needing to keep contact with him in some way even while the other was touching him.

\---j

“I’ll make you something to eat everyday.” Before Fenris had done most of the cooking, simply because he had more time and by the time Anders came home from the clinic it was usually late, but he wanted to feed him. He wanted to make it better. “A stew today and thick cuts of meat tomorrow. Some sausage, maybe.” At the word ‘sausage’ his eyes flicked down to the cock he was stroking and he couldn’t resist going straight to it, licking the tip of him slowly.

\---

He drew in a slow breath as he was licked, some of the tension leaving his posture. He knew he could trust Anders and there was no danger in this. Only pleasure. “Sausage sounds perfect.” Both for lunch and to get another taste of Anders’ the next day.

\---

He smiled, but the look faded as he began to pay keen attention to the head of him, working his tongue around spots he knew he liked. Without realizing it, he was applying a few techniques that he knew Hawke liked as well, one in particular that could always earn a shiver, but it all amounted to the same thing as he thoroughly worked him with his tongue. He was taking his time to tease him with what he would soon be giving him when he decided to take him into his mouth.

\---

He noticed that he had a few new tricks, but didn’t dwell on it. He knew he needed to stay focused on Anders. It was easy enough to do, as skilled as he was. The old spots that had always won reactions from him still worked and the way he squirmed and moaned his name, it seemed they were very potent. He’d nearly forgotten just how good this could feel and he hadn’t even taken him all the way in yet.

\---

It didn’t take long for him to recognize what he favored and soon that was all he was doing. He was watching him closely, not only making sure that it was good, but that it wasn’t too much. When he was certain he could take it and that he needed it, he closed his mouth around him and began to suck, giving a moan of his own. There was something eager to the way he sucked him, something more that was clearly the influence of his markings, but the result was that he was giving him all that he could, his fingers tracing his thighs and taking as much as he could get from him.

\---

It felt so good and it was overwhelming. He hadn't felt anything so good in such a long time. He was shaking and his hand left his hair, reaching down for one of the hands on his thigh. “Anders…” He moaned out. “Don't stop. Just take my hand…”

\---

His eyes opened and he realized he’d closed them in his fervency. He saw the reaching hand and he took it, weaving their fingers together and holding it securely while he gave him everything he could. It meant everything to him to have this and to see his precious elf soaking in pleasure when he knew well that all he’d known was pain for a long time now.

\---

It was the comfort he needed and his shaking eased to the occasional shivers that Anders usually earned from him. He was so sensitive to all he was doing, writhing and squeezing the hand he held, the intensity of his reactions making it seem this was almost too much for him, but not enough to ask him to stop.

\---

He continued as he was, giving himself no rest. He’d been told not to stop, so he wouldn’t. Not until he came undone completely. He found it easier to focus with the hand in his, squeezing and giving them a different connection that the one between his mouth and his cock. A more intimate connection.

He loved him and he wanted to tell him, but he would settle for showing him.

\---

He stroked his thumb over the hand he held, finding that the simple affection felt so right to him even in contrast to the fervent sucking he was getting. “Amatus…” He was safe, he was in loving hands, and the pleasure mounting in him was incredible. Eventually he couldn’t keep his hips still any longer, letting them buck up a little into Anders’ mouth. “Please…” It had been so long since he’d gotten off and he sounded almost a little nervous as his body arched and throbbed, signaling just how close he was.

\---

He remembered him well to know that his reactions were never quite like this. It was obvious that this was doing a lot for him and that it had been a long time since he’d felt anything like this. He moaned, wanting to show him how much he enjoyed this and how much he wanted him to enjoy himself. He wanted to take his load, the hints he was getting reminding him of a flavor he found as addicting as the rest of him. He wanted to drown him in pleasure and remind him that this was what he’d feel every day from here on out, never pain.

\---

His lyrium intensified when his climax hit, crying out so sharply that it could have been mistaken for pain instead of pleasure. He spilled hard and thick, his orgasm seeming to last a long time before he finally started to come down from it. He panted for air, his body trembling once more and his hand gripping Anders’ desperately.

\---

He was swallowing greedily, having to take in more than he was use to over a longer period of time. When it seemed he’d emptied himself completely and filled his belly, he quickly changed gears and pushed himself up to crawl over him, encasing him in his body and holding him possessively. “I love you so much.”

\---

He clung to Anders when he climbed over him, needing to be smothered in the mage and relieved that the other had known this was exactly what he needed. It had all felt so good and he began to weep softly, burying his face in his shoulder. It wasn’t distress though, but relief to feel something so incredible again and to feel so loved as he got it. He murmured to him in Tevene, finding it easier to express his gratitude that was at the moment, though he knew he’d have to find the words in common afterwards for him to understand it.

\---

Anders couldn’t quite tell the source of his tears, so he launched into comforting assurances. Responding with soft words of his own, meant to comfort him and make sure he knew that it would be okay. He pressed kisses to his cheek, trying to give him all of the love he held in his heart, finding himself desperate to express it in every way he could.

\---

When he’d calmed down a little, the elf began to return those soft kisses to his face, his tears easing away and his breathing slowing. “I had forgotten that anything could feel that good. You’ve always been so good to me and I thought that I could remember how it felt, but it’s so much better. Thank you…”

\---

“Don’t thank me.” He pressed a kiss to his lips. “You deserve everything and more.” Far more than he could give, though he would give him all that he had to make up for whatever shortcomings he had.

\---

“You’re so good to me. I wouldn’t have been able to go on if you wouldn’t have been here when I came back. Or if you wouldn’t have wanted me.” He whispered against his lips. He couldn’t stand the thought of Anders being all wrapped up in Hawke like this instead. “I need you so much.”

\---

“Fenris… what happened with Hawke…” He couldn’t bring himself to continue. He knew that he didn’t want to hear it and, truthfully, it was too painful. His heart was broken, even as it beat so strongly for the elf in his arms. He shook his head. “I’m here, it’ll be alright.”

\---

“You wanted me when you found out I survived. That’s what matters.” Hawke had manipulated Anders and none of it was the healer’s fault. He stroked his fingers down his back, kissing him again. “You’re here and you are mine. As I am yours and always have been.”

\---

He nodded, leaving it at that. He didn’t want to get into it anymore than that. “Let’s rest a while and then I will go out to the market and pick up what I need for us.” He wanted to bask in his presence, knowing it would be difficult to leave him later.

\---

He smiled a little at that, finding it a change in topic that wasn’t so emotional. “You put a lot of pressure on yourself, Amatus. You promised me the tastiest stew.” Not that it would be difficult to impress him. He’d been starved for so long that anything at all tasted wonderful to him.

\---

“And so you shall have it.” He intended on delivering on his promise and he was going to splurge with their gold they had saved up - Fenris’ gold, really - and buy the best ingredients he could to make sure he was thoroughly impressed. “You should know I can work a little magic whenever I want to.”

\---

“You’ve always had a way of working a little magic.” He ran a glowing finger up his spine, his lyrium still active since he knew how much Anders had craved it. “I’ll have to re-learn how to cook. But for now, I’ll let you show off your kitchen skills.”

\---

“Oh, I’m sure there isn’t much you need to relearn.” He had been a pretty good cook and he doubted he’d forgotten much of what he knew. With a little practice and a meal or two under his belt, he’d back to normal. Normal was good. “But for now, I would like to cook for you.”

\---

“I’ll be happy to let you do the cooking for now.” He kissed him again, but quickly had to turn his face away. He had another fit of deep, bark-like coughs. “For now, it’s best that I stay in bed as you asked.” He said once he had his breath again.

\---

“Yes, you need to rest.” And actually, if he was going to have a stew ready in time for lunch, he needed to get moving. He eased off of him and slipped off the bed. “It’ll take a while for me to pick up everything we need and get it ready, so I’m going to get started.” He reached for his robes and began pulling them on, though he continued to look at his elf all the while.

\---

“I don’t want you to go. But the time it will take you in the market is nothing compared to the time we’ve been apart lately. I’ll count my blessings for that.” He didn’t bother to dress himself, just pulled the sheets up over his body to help make up for the loss of warmth from Anders leaving the bed.

\---

“I’ll be back soon,” he assured him, his expression soft. When he was fully dressed, he leaned over the side of the bed to give him a kiss. “Love you.” He straightened up and headed out, his first stop to the room they kept the money hidden in. He fully expected to find it there, not having returned to the mansion since he’d disappeared and not having spent a single coin that he hadn’t earned himself, until he’d gotten together with Hawke, anyway, so when it was nowhere to be found, his heart dropped.

It must have been stolen. Someone must have snuck in here and found it and taken it.

Unless…

He would’ve gone to ask Hawke about it if all of that wasn’t as complicated as it was. His next best bet was Varric or Isabela - both of whom he could find in the same place. Without alerting the elf to the situation, he stepped outside and began to make the trek to Lowtown, having a few questions for the rogues that had helped move his stuff from Fenris’ mansion to Hawke’s.

\---

Isabela was easy to find, seated at one of the tables and making a list while burly men and women crowded around her. It seemed she was organizing some sort of tournament, signing people up and taking their coin, but also sizing up the contestants. Some of them were very good looking and she wouldn’t mind spending the night with them whether or not they were winners. When she saw Anders step in - an unusual sight in the middle of the day - and without Hawke, she raised a brow and dismissed herself from the crowd, rising from her street and stretching. “What brings you to this side of town in the daylight, Handsome?”

\---

Glad to see her, he nodded her away from the gathering of people to a quieter corner of the tavern. “I need to ask you a question - when you were moving my things from my house to Hawke’s, did you guys take our money?” He wasn’t accusing them of stealing it, rather he thought it had been brought over and he never realized it.

\---

Isabela followed him and at his question, she cocked her head a little. That had been a long time ago and she had to think about it. “Not when we moved your things. Hawke asked us to go back later for it. He knew you wouldn’t want it, but he wanted to spend it on you little by little over time.” Really it surprised her that Anders would go back to the mansion at all, especially after all this time.

\---

He frowned at that, not liking that at all. That hadn’t been Hawke’s money to touch and good as his intentions might have been, he should have consulted him. “...Fuck.” He lifted his hand to his face and covered it briefly.

Fenris wouldn’t be as upset as he was, knowing that being back was all he wanted, but he’d saved up that money for years. Without it, he didn’t have enough to buy him what he needed or to get the food he wanted to make him his meals.

\---

The reaction surprised her and she frowned. “Hey, it’s alright. Do you need coin for something? Hawke might have some left. Or Varric and I can help you out.” She didn’t go offering her money to just anyone, but Anders was selfless and he’d saved her ass on countless occasions.

\---

“...No, I’ll figure it out.” He’d use what he had for the clinic, even though he knew better and it made him uneasy. It’s for Fenris, he reminded the spirit. “I have to go.” He took a step as if to move past her but paused, realizing that he couldn’t just run off without telling her. If he told her, he could be sure everyone would know by the end of the day.

“Fenris is back.” Saying it like that brought with it a welling of emotion and he swallowed it down so he could go on. “He never died - Hawke was wrong.”

\---

“...What?” She gaped at him, trying to process everything he’d just said. “Fenris is...he’s alive and he’s here?” How was that possible? She didn’t even begin to consider what that might mean for him and Hawke. “Is he alright? Where is he?”

\---

“No, he’s not. He’s been in Tevinter with his ‘master’, but he escaped.” Again. He shook his head, looking angry and upset, but tamping it down. “I’m taking care of him. I was going to pick up food to make for him, but I found out the money was gone and…”

\---

The pirate continued to stare at him a long moment, then her hand went to her waist. She grabbed the coinpurse she had there and offered it to Anders. “If he’s not okay, we’ve got to work together to fix him up. Just take it, I’m going to make a killing on this tournament tonight.”

\---

He looked at the coinpurse and rather abruptly tears welled in his eyes, but he lifted his hand to them and pushed his fingers in, stopping them right there. By the time he dropped them, he seemed to have pulled himself together and he took it from her. “I’ll pay you back,” he promised her, tucking into his pocket.

\---

“I’ll settle for a massage as payback.” She’d want the gold back from anyone else, but this was Anders and it was being spent on a friend she’d thought was long dead. “And you have to let me come see your elf soon. I don’t think I’ll really believe he’s back until I see him with my own eyes. It’s just...Hawke had been so sure and it’s been so long…”

\---

He nodded. “When he’s ready.” He didn’t want anyone to bother him until he was ready. It was still hard for him to believe it, but he knew that he would go back and he would be there and as long as that remained true, everything would be okay. “I know. Hawke… He was wrong. Fenris thinks that he-” he stopped abruptly, not wanting to acknowledge it by saying it. “It doesn’t matter, he was wrong and he’s back and nothing like that will happen again.”

\---

“Is Hawke helping you take care of him as well? Or are you…?” She glanced to the doorway, half expecting the rogue to be standing there waiting. She didn’t know how to factor Fenris’ return into Anders’ relationship with her ex.

\---

His expression turned troubled. “No.” Hawke wasn’t helping him. It would mean a lot if he could, but Fenris wouldn’t allow it, even if he wanted to. As it were, he didn’t think the rogue could handle it. “I have to go, Isabela. Thank you, I’ll see you around.” He didn’t want to leave room for further questions, so he turned and hurried out.

\---

“Let us know if you need anything else.” Isabela called after him, watching him go. She was still stunned and it took her a moment to realize the people at her table were still waiting on her and getting impatient, so she rushed back to get back to work. She had a lot to think about and she couldn’t wait to tell Varric about Fenris’ return.

\---

He was going to have to talk to Hawke about this, but that could come later. He made his way to the Hightown market and before he started, he dumped the coins out into his palm to count what he had. Enough to do what he wanted, certainly. He began to go from stall to stall, picking up entire sacks of food. Enough to last them for the rest of the week.

\---

Hawke was wandering about the market, listless about picking up some things he might need. Without Anders, he really didn’t know what to do with himself. He knew he’d be miserable just sitting at home, but he also didn’t want to see any of his friends. He wasn’t ready to discuss this with anyone yet.

When he saw his lover at a distant stall, he felt his heart leap into his throat. He was here and he was alone. He moved to him quickly, almost dropping his groceries in his haste to reach him. “Anders…” He called when he was close, his heart breaking and yet so warmed by the sight of him.

\---

He looked up from the stall he was standing at, examining some fresh fruit to make sure there weren’t any blemishes on it - only the best for his elf. He saw Hawke hurrying to him and his brows raised as he turned to face him. “Hawke…” He could see the emotion in his expression and it made his chest ache.

\---

He reached for him, taking by the hand and tugging him away from the stall. “Come here. Please…” He wanted to get him away from the crowd and so he tried to pull him toward somewhere more quiet that they could speak.

\---

He took a couple of steps in his direction before stopping, pulling his hand away. “I don’t have time. I have to finish picking up things so I can make lunch.” He wasn’t happy with him, discovering what he had from Isabela, but he also felt guilty. He knew how much he’d hurt him by giving him up as soon as his old flame returned. It was the only reason he didn’t immediately confront him on it, knowing there was a better time and a better place for it.

\---

He froze when he pulled away, having expected him to be happy to go off alone with him a moment. “You walked out of my life last night. Surely you could spare me a couple more minutes here?” The hurt came through in his tone and he heaved a sigh. “Please? I don’t know when I’ll get to speak to you again since you don’t want me around him.”

\---

He knew where to push and as the mage looked down at the ground, it was clear he was going to give in. He adjusted the strap of the bag he was carrying over his shoulder and then nodded, moving in the direction he’d been tugged. “A couple of minutes,” he agreed, going to where it was quiet and turning to face him.

\---

Hawke moved along with him, eager to get out of the crowd. As soon as they were far enough, he set his bag down and wrapped the mage up in a tight embrace. “Can you come by tonight after he goes to sleep? I missed you so much last night. I don’t know what to do without you…”

\---

He didn’t want the embrace, but he didn’t fight it. He allowed it, though he kept his arms to himself, knowing it would be all the more difficult if he gave into it. Hearing what he had to say broke his heart all the more and he shut his eyes, trying to figure out how he was going to deal with this. “I can’t, Hawke. I promised him I wouldn’t leave at night like that - he saw me go. I won’t that to him again.”

“Even if I did, it won’t help you. It’ll just make this harder for both of us.”

\---

“It doesn’t have to be this hard. He has to understand that we’re in love. I know you still love him too, but we can’t just give this up. You mean too much to me and I know you love me too.” How Anders could even pretend it was going to work to just end their relationship immediately, he didn’t understand. He kissed his forehead, stroking his back as he hugged him. “Give him a sleeping draught, he needs to rest anyway…”

\---

“Hawke! I’m not going to drug him so I can sneak off to see you!” He jerked out of his grasp, looking rather upset. Not just from what he was hearing, either. “I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to leave you, but I don’t have a choice. I’m sorry, but this is hard enough. Please don’t make it harder.”

\---

“You don’t have to leave me. You can love him without completely leaving me behind. I need you.” He frowned deeply when he broke free of his hold. “We can still be happy…”

\---

His brow furrowed, not understanding what he was suggesting. “What are you talking about, Hawke? I have to choose and I did. I chose Fenris - you’re not going to be able to convince me to leave him. To abandon him when he went through hell to come back to me. If that’s what your goal is, give it up.”

\---

“I know you won’t leave him. I’m not asking you to. I don’t want to share you, but I will if my only other option is losing you.” Fenris wouldn’t allow it, he knew. But maybe he wouldn’t have to know. It would be something until he could find some solution to get rid of the elf.

\---

He stared at him, not certain that he’d heard correctly. Share? He wanted to share him? “Hawke…” His voice was softer and he shook his head, a lot of emotion filling his eyes. “That won’t make you happy. You don’t want that and… it wouldn’t make any of us happy.” He couldn’t realistically have both - neither of them would want that and their pain would turn into his own.

“I’m sorry. I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

\---

“It won’t. But it would hurt less than this. I’m not going to give up on you.” He made this clear when he stepped forward to close the distance between them again and kissed him. He kissed him hard and tried to pour all he could into it, knowing he’d be pushed away and wanting to show him what he could before that happened.

\---

He knew what was happening, but unlike the night before, he didn’t want to give into it. He turned his head away, but the proximity and the desperation got to him and tears filled his eyes. Unlike in the Hanged Man, he couldn’t will them away and he had to hide his face from him. “I have to go, Hawke.” His voice was thick and he tried to hurry back into the crowd, wanting to lose himself amidst everyone else.

\---

“Anders!” He called after him when he rushed away, but didn’t give chase. It was all too much right now. He would need a little time. But as promised, he wasn’t going to give up on him. With tears in his own eyes, he reached down to grab his bag from the ground. He’d head home, grieve his lost relationship in solitude, and try to determine the next time he could get Anders alone.

\---

It took him a while to get back into what he was doing, but eventually had had everything he needed and he returned home. There was something distinctly solemn to him as he stepped inside, but when he entered their bedroom, he put on a smile for the elf. “Just checking in before I go start lunch,” he explained as he closed the distance and sat down on the edge of the bed.

\---

Fenris had been dosing, thoroughly relaxed after the pleasure he’d gotten. It was light and his eyes opened as soon as he stepped into the room. He looked like he was still half-asleep but also like he’d rested a little. He smiled at the sight of him and reached for him lazily. “Come here.”

\---

He leaned in, not moving closer, but closing the distance between them to press a kiss to his forehead. “I can’t stay long, not if we’re going to eat at the right time.”

\---

“I need you more than food. Even if that tasty stew sounds nice.” He knew it would take some time to prepare and he couldn’t keep him long. But he stroked a hand along his arm and shoulder while he had him in this close. “I got a little sleep. I think you wore me out.”

\---

“Good, the more sleep the better.” He stroked a hand over his thigh in return. “I’ll have to wear you out again later.” He leaned in to give him another kiss, this time on the lips. “I’ll be in the kitchen. Call if you need me.”

\---

He returned the kiss while it lasted, blissfully unaware that Hawke had kissed the same lips earlier. “Alright, Amatus. I’ll be here unless I decide to stretch my legs and see how it’s going in there.” He’d like to get up and walk around. But after walking for so many days on end to get here, he was truly exhausted. Lazing in the bed all day had been wonderful.

\---

He doubted he would get up any time soon. He could tell how tired he was, which was why he continued to insist that he rest. He got up and made his way to the kitchen, taking out all of his purchases from the market and putting them away. He made a point to keep the bread and oats he’d purchased far from the rice. He didn’t want to waste it, so he would use it in every meal and continue to pick out the bugs until it was gone.

As he worked to chop up the vegetables and the meat, his thoughts were on Hawke. On his expression. On the sound of his voice. On his desperate words and on his desperate kiss. He wept as he worked, wishing he could banish the tears that kept wanting to emerge.

So much was wrong, but so much was right. He had to be grateful for that much, no matter how much it hurt. It would be alright as long as he had Fenris and in the meantime… he would work out these emotions while he was alone.

\---

Fenris slipped back into a light sleep, all the more relaxed now that he could hear Anders bustling around the house while he prepared the meal. It was quite a while before he roused again, deciding he was ready to get up for a bit. He could use the bathroom and wash up a little after he checked in on Anders. He could smell the food underway and he moved up to wear he saw his lover working, sliding his arms around him from behind and resting his cheek against the back of his shoulder.

\---

By the time he heard movement in the house, Anders had calmed down. His eyes were a little red and puffy, but he’d managed to soothe himself enough. He figured he was just using the bathroom and then going back to bed, so he startled when the arms wrapped around him. “Fenris…” He glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, but knew he didn’t look entirely himself, so he kept himself facing forward, brushing butter over a large loaf of bread. “You’re supposed to be in bed.”

\---

“I needed to get up anyway. I’ll go back to bed shortly.” He knew Anders wanted him to stay resting, but he was ready to be on his feet for just a little while. “It smells good.” He murmured against his shoulder, though at the moment he could smell the mage a little more than the food and that was fine with him.

\---

“It should. I went all out and bought a bunch of fresh herbs. I have quite a promise to live up to, after all.” When the bread was thoroughly coated, he began to sprinkle some seasonings over it, including some garlic that he’d finely chopped. It felt really good to be held this way and he pressed back lightly into him.

\---

“You do. But it looks like you’re off to a good start.” He’d have been content just to eat the bread he was working on and his mouth was beginning to water just standing here with him. He squeezed him a little when he felt him lean into his hold, still in a bit of disbelief that he was really standing here holding the love he’d lost so long ago.

\---

“Just wait until you see what I got us for dessert.” He’d spent most of the money from Isabela’s coin purse, but he fully intended on paying her back. In more than just a massage. “It’ll be a while longer, why don’t you go lay down while I clean up in here?”

\---

“I can help. It would be nice to do something...normal.” He was tired, but it still would be a welcome change to everything else he’d done in recent history. It might make him feel a little more like he was really home. He didn’t release Anders just yet though, knowing he’d need to release him either way so he could clean up but not quite ready to let go.

\---

“...Okay, but when we’re done, I want you back in bed.” He reached for one of the hands around him and pulled it up to press a kiss to the back of it. He pulled away from him so he could put the bread close to the oven - it was too soon to put it in, but it was ready to go. He began to clean up, as promised, intentionally keeping his face turned away from his elf. He wasn’t sure what he looked like, but he knew it was probably enough that he’d notice.

It had taken quite some time for him to stop crying, after all.

\---

When they were parted, Fenris got to work gathering the utensils he knew the mage was finished with to soak in the washing basin. Then he set to scrubbing the counter. He’d wanted something that felt normal, but the way he performed the task was far from normal. He was working with a stiff and unnatural diligence, scrubbing hard at old stains that had been there before he’d moved into this place many years before.

\---

As he finished up what he was doing, he glanced over at him and saw how hard he was scrubbing. His brows furrowed and he watched him to see if he would let up, but when he didn’t, he moved closer. “It’s not that dirty, you don’t have to scrub so much.” He told him, setting a hand on his arm to slow him down, if not still him.

\---

He startled a little when he was touched, having been in a bit of a trance. He dropped the rag he’d been holding and nodded. “I’m sorry. I think I’ll go lie down…” He turned to look at him, meaning to give him a kiss, then frowned. “Are you alright, Amatus? You look like you’ve been crying.” Though it wasn’t surprising, he had no shortage of reasons to cry right now.

\---

He’d forgotten in his concern and he winced slightly when he was question. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.” He knew better than to deny it, so he brushed it off. He gave him a strained smile and leaned in to give him the kiss he’d intended. “Go lay down, I’ll bring you your stew when it’s done.”

\---

He kissed him back, but didn’t return his smile. “You’re not fine. But I understand why.” He could give him what comfort he could when he joined him in the bed later. He turned to head for the bathroom then, deciding he’d take care of his business there and then go lie down as he was told.

\---

He didn’t say anything as he moved away. He would just pretend that hadn’t happened. Returning to what he was doing, he finished the cleaning up and some time later, he was walking with a tray of food for the both of them. A thick stew that was as much meat and vegetables as it was broth, and the loaf of bread, warmed in the oven and rising with steam. He carried it over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it, setting the tray down beside him.

“All ready. Hope you’re hungry.”

\---

Fenris was awake when Anders returned to him, but curled up in the bed and looking comfortable. He pushed himself up with a groan to sit against the headboard, his eyes fixing on the meal he carried. “That looks incredible…” His stomach seemed to agree as it gave a loud and shameless growl.

\---

“I gave it a taste before I served it up. It is incredible.” He offered him a smile like before, but there was more effort into it this time. He was genuinely happy to be able to give him a warm meal like this. He pulled off his bowl and a few slices of the bread, before moving the tray into his lap. “Eat up.”

\---

Just looking at the amount of food was overwhelming. He was already frustrated with himself that he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat much of it. But a hearty stew like this would make for good leftovers and when he had some space in his belly a few hours later, he could go back to working on it. He took a bite of the stew, made an appreciative sound, then took a bit of bread to dip into the broth and took a bite of broth. “You just might have lived up to that promise you made me.”

\---

“Told you,” he preened, taking a bite of it himself. “If you like it, we can have it for dinner as well.” There was plenty left and he knew something warm and liquid based would be good for him.

\---

“I’m definitely having this for dinner. And a snack after that. And breakfast tomorrow morning.” He leaned over to kiss his cheek. He would be perfectly content with just having Anders here to hold him and stay beside him, but he was taking very good care of him. Of course he was. He loved him all the more for it.

\---

“Then I’ll have to start planning what I’m going to make for lunch tomorrow.” He’d already done that, having bought everything he needed for their next meal. “Save room for dessert. I know you’ll want at least a few bites of it.” He knew he probably wouldn’t eat much, but he wanted him to at least try everything.

\---

“Dessert. There’s dessert.” He said rather wistfully. He honestly didn’t know if he could stomach anything sweet after so long without, but he definitely wanted to try. He ate enthusiastically but he paced himself, wanting to leave at least a tiny bit of space in his stomach for the treat Anders spoke of.

\---

He was easily able to finish his bowl and bread, so when they were done, he collected the dishes and placed them on the tray. He’d put away what his elf couldn’t eat and save it for later. He got up and went back to the kitchen, putting everything away, before returning with the tray in hand. On top where two slices of pie, both rather small - he didn’t want to eat more than him. He set it down on his lap like he had before with a smile.

“Chocolate pie.” He leaned in and gave his temple a kiss. “Enjoy.”

\---

He looked down at the slice of pie in his lap and inhaled deeply. It smelled delicious, sweet and rich with flavor. Before he realized it was about to happen, he gave a soft sob, his eyes filling with sudden tears. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes to quell them, surprised by the rush of emotion that came with such a simple indulgence.

\---

His eyes widened and he looked at him in alarm, not understanding. “Fenris, what is it? Did I do something wrong?” Had he picked the wrong thing to bring him? He lost his appetite for his slice and he set it aside, moving closer.

\---

The question almost made him laugh but the sound came out as another sob. He shook his head and leaned into Anders when he moved in closer. “No, Amatus. You’ve done everything right.” He wiped at his eyes, trying to get the new flood of tears to stop. “I’m sitting with you in our bed. I have a full stomach and now I have a piece of pie that smells amazing. It’s all so good it doesn’t feel real. I’m so afraid I’m going to wake up at any moment and be back in Tevinter.”

\---

“It’s real,” he assured him, sliding his arm around him and helping pull him in. “It’ll be okay, you’ll see. With some more time, you’ll get use to all of this.” So would he. It would take time for both of them to adjust to this.

\---

“I just didn’t dare to dream I’d have any of this again. To have you and all of these little comforts I used to take for granted.” He’d never taken the mage for granted, but he’d done so with simple pleasures like chocolate pie. After a second dose of slavery, he wouldn’t forget his appreciation for such things.

\---

“I wish there was more I could do to help you and to hurt that man for laying a finger on you.” He hadn’t really spoken of his anger at Danarius, but it was there. The fact that he’d gotten away with doing all of this to him again made him angrier than he could put into words. The injustice of it infuriated him. He’d give almost anything to be face to face with him so he could tear him apart for causing his beloved so much misery, but he knew that focusing on that wouldn’t help anything. There wasn’t anything he could do.

\---

“There is nothing more that you need to do. I just need you here with me. As far as Danarius…” He swallowed hard, a flare of anger in him helping to stop the last of his tears. “If he’s foolish enough to show his face around here, we’ll kill him together.” Unless of course Hawke helped his master out again, but he wasn’t about to say that aloud and upset Anders.

\---

He gave a quiet nod, knowing that he would rather take him somewhere safe than risk staying where he might return, but that if he had a chance to kill him, he would be grateful for it. “Eat your pie, I think it’ll make you feel better.” He hoped it would, anyway.

\---

“I think it will too.” He looked down at the neglected piece of pie in his lap and took up his fork. He took a bite and even as full as his stomach felt, it was wonderful. “It’s so good. This might be the best pie I’ve ever had.”

\---

He gave him a little smile. “When we finish this one up, I’ll buy us another.” His appetite was still gone, so he ignored his slice. He could have it later. After dinner.

\---

He finished the piece he’d been given, slowly but determined to get it all down. When he finished, he looked a bit ill from all he’d eaten, but very satisfied as he set the plate aside. “That sounds like an excellent plan.” It would take them a long time to work through the pie they had at this rate and that was fine with him.

\---

“I’ll clean up the rest of this later.” For now, he just wanted to lay with him. He needed to take comfort in him, so with the tray moved out of the way, he laid down beside him, pulling him down to join him. “Let’s sleep some more.” He would like to give his mind a break and as much rest as Fenris had gotten, he wanted him to have even more.

\---

The elf curled up readily in his arms. Even if he couldn’t sleep anymore, he wanted to lie down with him. He was still as naked as he’d been when Anders left earlier and he started pulling at his robes now. He wasn’t ready for more pleasure, but he did want to feel his bare body up against him just the same.

\---

He obviously wanted him to be naked and that sounded nice, so he helped him undress himself. When there was nothing separating them, he pulled him back in. “Better.” He pressed their foreheads together and shut his eyes, really feeling better while he had him so close.

—

He cuddled up to him, his fingers stroking absently over his side. The heat of his skin was so much better and he closed his eyes as well. “Better.” His agreement was punctuated with a kiss.


	11. Chapter 11

After making a hearty lunch for both of them the next day and finishing up with a little more pie, Anders gathered the dishes to be washed. “I have a few errands to run, so I’ll be out for a little bit after I clean up, okay?” 

He didn’t really want to specify, knowing he wouldn’t like it, but it was something he wanted to get done sooner rather than later.

—

Fenris was miserably full and shifted down from his seat against the headboard to lie down. He wasn't going to argue about going with him today. His weak and weary body was spoiled to rest now and he wasn't sure he'd be up for walking around town even if he wanted to. “Alright. I think I could get a nap in while you do that.” He still couldn't sleep deeply, but his dark circles beneath his eyes were looking a little better after the several cat naps he'd managed.

\---

“Good,” he smiled, pleased with his agreement. “Get some rest. Love you.” He left the bedroom and washed the dishes and put them away, before heading out. It wasn’t a long walk at all, but he was filled with dread during the length of it. If he was lucky, Hawke wouldn’t be there and someone else would answer the door and he could be in and out before the rogue found out he’d been by.

When he arrived, he knocked on the door, a foot bouncing anxiously as he waited to see who would open it.

—

It was Hawke who opened the door and the instant he saw who was on the other side, his face lit up. “Anders…” He stepped aside to invite him in. “I'm so glad you're here. I didn't think you'd be able to come see me in the daytime…”

\---

He held in a sigh when the door opened, his eye falling. “I’m not here to visit, I’m just picking up some of my stuff. I’ll grab what I can and come back for the rest later.” He moved inside and started toward the library, since a lot of it was piled onto desks and scattered among shelves in there.

—

“I know you want to see me. You can't just pretend you no longer have feelings for me.” His heart sank as he watched him walk past. When he realized where he was going, he rushed up ahead, making sure he reached the library first. He grabbed one of the letters on his desk, folding it quickly and tucking it into his belt. “It won't hurt anything for you to just sit down with me for a little while.”

\---

“I never said I didn’t.” Quite the opposite, he’d been honest about his feelings and the love he had for him. He couldn’t act on them, but they were there. He was taken aback by the way he rushed forward and as he stepped in, he saw him slipping the letter into his belt.

“...What is that?”

—

“A personal matter of Isabela’s.” Hawke began to help gather some of Anders’ things from the desks, a frown on his lips. “If you still have feelings for me, you should stay awhile. Or let me go over there. Maybe if I help around your place, it'll help him remember who I really am.” He didn't want to be around Fenris. But while the elf slept, he could have time with Anders.

\---

He didn’t move, watching him, Fenris’ words ringing in his ears. “Let me see it.” He ignored the rest of what he had to say, holding out his hand. “Isabela won’t mind if I take a look.” There was no such thing as privacy with Isabela and even if this was something she wanted kept secret, he thought she’d understand.

—

“She would. She's in...a bit of trouble. She asked me to handle it discreetly.” Hawke continued to gather the mage’s things, not willing to look up at him. “You know that I wouldn't show her anything you'd rather keep between us.”

\---

“Hawke, give it to me now.” His voice was commanding - he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. A little bit of Justice had slipped into it, making it clear that this could quickly escalate as the spirit began to involve himself in the matter.

—

“No. You can't refuse to spend time with me and then make demands about things that I'd rather keep to myself.” He recognized the danger in the tone and went on, hoping to redirect him. “Why don't you let me go back to the mansion with you when we have all your things? It could help matters if I talk to him while he's calm. Besides, I can help you carry.”

\---

He strode forward then, suspicion written all over his face. “What are you hiding from me, Hawke?” The accusation in his voice was tainted with hurt as he closed the distance between them and tried to snatch the letter from where he’d tucked it. “What did you do?!”

—

Hawke took a quick step away from him, staying defensive of the hip that carried the letter. “I didn't do anything. It's just a letter I got today that is not yours to read.” He finally looked up at him, his eyes glassy. “You left me, Anders. You walked out on me and you won't even talk to me about what we can do to fix it.”

\---

Justice didn’t give Anders a choice in their response, he took over, coming to life and grabbing Hawke by the front of his shirt and lifting him off of the ground, his free hand reaching for the letter and snatching it away from him. “You will regret betraying us,” the spirit growled, before letting him drop and giving control back.

Anders was disorientated, but he realized what he had in his hand and he quickly turned away from the rogue, frantically opening it and scanning it.

—

Hawke’s heart was pounding in his ears as he got his footing, swallowing a knot in his throat to speak. “I know that will look bad after the things Fenris has been saying. But he must have told Danarius about me. Or maybe my name got around to him when he found him around here…”

The letter was written in a beautiful swooping hand, almost certainly written by a scribe rather than the magister himself.

Ser Hawke,

My little wolf has slipped his leash once again. If you should learn anything of his whereabouts, please let me know. Information will be handsomely rewarded, delivery of my pet alive and whole will earn you much more.

Best wishes,

Danarius

\---

The letter crumpled in his hand and then burst into flame. He let the burning paper drift to the floor and for a long time, he just stood there.

Slowly, he turned, furious tears rolling down his cheeks. “You’re sick,” he breathed, staring at him like he’d never seen him before in his life. “You’re evil.”

Everything Fenris has been telling him, everything he’d denied had been true. Hawke had taken Fenris from him… in the cruelest way imaginable. He’d betrayed both of them and he’d spent all this time in his arms, thinking they were safety and they were home.

“I defended you. I told Fenris he was wrong - I told him while he was crying, insisting that you hurt him, that you betrayed him, that he was wrong.” He looked ill saying it, but he was so infuriated that it didn’t take long for that to fade, his skin flickering dangerously.

—

“He is wrong. Anders, why would I do that to him? He’s one of my closest friends. Don't you remember all of those nights I spent weeping for him because I thought he was dead?” He moved in closer, undaunted by the threat of Justice despite the warning the spirit had given him. “If Danarius found out he used to be associated with me, of course he's going to write to me and ask if I've seen him. He'd be a fool not to. It doesn't mean anything.”

\---

The lies only served to anger him further. “If you come near either of us ever again, I will kill you myself.” He threw the rogue away from him with a powerful wave of energy that slammed him back into one of the bookshelves.

“Everyone is going to know what you did.”

He intended on telling everyone. Everyone would know what he was and he would lose everything.

“Someone else will be by for my things.”

He had to get out of there or he might end up doing something he would regret, though he didn’t think there was anything he could do that he’d regret at this point.

—

“You know me.” He staggered towards him once he regained his footing from the blow. His voice was weak, the wind clearly knocked out of him. “You know I didn't do that and so do they. Anders, this is an opportunity to protect him. We could write him back and tell him Fenris has gone someplace far from here…”

\---

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll be writing him back.” They would be gone, though. He could write all the letters he wanted, but it would do him no good, because they would be far from this place. He strode out, barely keeping himself in check, his magic flickering out of his control in his distress.

He could barely see from his tears, flowing down his cheeks in streams, so he was unaware of the patrolling templars whose attention he’d caught. They sensed his magic and began to follow him at a distance, though it was clearly unnecessary as he seemed entirely unaware of his surroundings and almost ran into passersby more than once, waiting until he was away from anyone else to strike him with a smite and incapacitate him, so they could drag him to the Gallows.

—

Hawke followed after Anders, prepared to chase him back to the mansion. He wasn't afraid of Justice, he wasn't afraid of Fenris. He just had to make this right, to somehow convince him that Fenris was wrong and that the letter didn't prove anything. He'd been so fixated on his lover that he hadn't noticed the templars either until they had attacked, prompting him to race forward as they started to drag him away. “Stop! He's with me. I need to take him back home…”

\---

One of the templars turned to him. “Serah Hawke… we know this mage is with you, but he was using magic in broad daylight.” Everyone was aware of the apostate that ran around with the famous Garrett Hawke and it drove the Knight Commander crazy that their association kept her from getting her hands on the troublesome healer.

That was only because they never caught him doing magic, however, and they’d all felt the magic pouring out of the mage. They had their excuse.

“We are lawfully detaining him. You will have to speak to the Knight Commander.”

—

“He didn't use any magic. It's around him because he's upset, but he didn't cast a thing. He hasn't caused anyone any trouble so you won't be taking him anywhere.” Hawke moved in closer, reaching for one of Anders’ arms to pull him close. “If there's a problem with that, the Knight Commander can discuss it with me later.”

\---

The mage was out of it, the smite having been rather strong, having received the combined efforts of all of the templars. He was starting to recover however, and when he saw the person grabbing him, his eyes catching sight of Hawke’s face, he jerked back from him and consequently, closer to the templars, who got a firm grip on him.

“Calm down, mage.”

Anders realized what was happening and began to panic, but he knew fighting was worse than sneaking away when they weren’t looking, so he forced himself to still.

His eyes lifted to Hawke and he stared at him, his eyes no less angry or betrayed, but this time there was also fear in them.

“Don’t make this difficult, serah. You can go to the Gallows and speak to the Knight Commander if you wish, but right now, we are taking this mage in.”

—

“No you're not.” Hawke snarled, all the more frustrated when Anders had pulled away from him. “He didn't cast any magic and you can't take him. You know you can't have him when he's with me and clearly I'm right here, so go back to your patrol and I'll get him home.”

\---

The templars looked between each other, but the one that had been calling the shots stepped out in front of him, putting himself in between them. “Take him,” he ordered the others, “If you’re right, Meredith will be happy to give him back to you.”

—

“You’re not taking him anywhere.” The rogue didn't try to get any closer, but he did move directly into their path. “If you want him, you'll have to wait until you catch him casting spells and running amok in the streets. Until then, he stays with me.”

\---

“You’re welcome to come with us, but if you get in our way, you’ll find the tolerance you and your mages enjoy will disappear.” They knew the other mage Hawke ran around with and if he was going to challenge them, then they would have to pay her a visit as well.

One of the other templars looked between them nervously, not as confident about this. “Aleic, are you certain you should be-?”

“Quiet!” His head turned sharply and the templar called ‘Aleic’ glared at him for questioning him in the middle of something like this.

—

Hawke was clearly livid at the threat, but working at keeping it under control. “I will come with you. To make sure you treat him well until I get this sorted out with Meredith.” His tone was even but he was speaking through clenched teeth.

\---

Anders hadn’t uttered a word, but it was clear to look at him that he was struggling internally. His eyes were shut and he was tense, hands clenched into fists. Though the templars might not realize what was going on, the smite had worn off and he was fighting with everything he had to keep Justice back.

This is not the time.

Figuring that was settled, the templar gestured them along, guiding them along the journey to the Gallows. Once inside, he turned to Hawke while the other templars pulled Anders away from them, intending on locking him up for the time being.

“I’ll show you to the Knight Commander’s office, Serah Hawke.”

—

Hawke watched them go, devastated to see his beloved being dragged away by templars. He gave a stiff nod to the man, finding his legs were nearly numb as he followed along. He had to convince Meredith that this was a mistake. That they couldn't possibly keep him here.

\---

He walked him to the office and knocked on it, entering when a sharp voice called him in. He told the rogue to stay behind as he explained the situation and shortly after, the door opened and he gestured him to enter as well, revealing an irritated, but intrigued Meredith.

“Well Hawke, what do I owe the pleasure?” It was not a pleasure to see him by any means and she’d already been given a run down of the situation, but she wanted to hear what he had to say.

\---

Hawke stepped inside, folding his arms over his chest to keep his hands still in his agitation. “I need you to tell your men to return Anders to me. They seized him even though he didn’t cast any magic and he was with me. He was not at all being a bother to the public.”

\---

“That’s not what I was told. I was informed that he was performing magic in the middle of the street,” she gestured for him to sit across from her. “I have been very tolerant of your mages, but we both know I can’t have them parading around for all to see. It puts into question my ability to keep this city safe and I will be not made a hypocrite.”

\---

He sat down, but it was a very stiff motion and he immediately wished he was back on his feet. “There was no magic being performed in the street. I was there with him, there was no parading, no performance. And when your men took him without justification, they threatened me and my companions when I told them to give him back to me.” One companion in particular, anyway.

\---

“I was told you admitted to it. That he was emotional and wasn’t in control of himself - that sounds like a dangerous mage to me.” She folded her fingers together, watching him closely, her eyes sharp. “You’ve gotten away with a lot Hawke, but your name can only do so much.”

\---

“He was upset and that was why your men could detect his magic. He wasn’t using magic or doing anything that would bother the public or risk your reputation.” Hawke stared unflinchingly at her despite her scrutinizing gaze. “I’m well aware of the limitations of your tolerance of my mages. But this is a case of over-eager men trying to take advantage of something that was a very controlled situation. I was there with him, no one was in any danger.”

\---

“I’m told that isn’t quite true either - he was alone and you came upon them detaining him.” She sighed and sat back in her seat. She gestured her templar out and when the door shut behind him, she let her hands fall out their fold. “It seems I have something you want and if I’m to put a dangerous mage back on the streets, something that I will under no circumstances do, I would need a very convincing reason.”

\---

“I was giving him space. But I was with him. That’s why I was right there when they struck him down.” Hawke drew in a deep breath, then let it out slowly, knowing he needed to keep his composure. “You know the good I’ve done for Kirkwall. The good I am continuing to do. Anders is a very big part of that, he has helped on countless endeavors. If you keep him over a misunderstanding like this, you’re greatly hindering my ability to help you and everyone else. Do you have any idea how many blood mages he’s killed? How many times he’s saved me and the others from the brink of death in defense of Kirkwall?”

\---

She lifted a brow, as if to say ‘that’s all?’ “If you’re really the man everyone talks about, then you should be able to do just fine on your own, wanted apostate or not.” She looked down at her desk at the letter she’d been reading before being interrupted. “If that’s all you have for me, I am a very busy woman.”

\---

“That’s not all I have for you. I need you to release him and I need you to do it now. He’s not dangerous, he’s absolutely vital to me and to Kirkwall.” He scowled at her, not about to be dismissed. “Your men attacked him unprovoked on the streets and threatened me. Hardly the way protectors of Kirkwall should be acting, but you can set it right by letting him go with me now.”

\---

Her patience was beginning to run thin. “You’re lucky your mages have been allowed to run free as long as they have. If it were up to me, I’d have had them brought to the Gallows years ago and believe me, there have been many times I could’ve ordered exactly that, but I didn’t to keep the peace.” She had to admit that they’d been good about staying out of sight, though never out of mind, but she trusted the templars that had brought him in. If they had felt it necessary to bring him in, it had been necessary to bring him in. “All mages show their true colors sooner or later - your healer is a danger, especially if he is not in control of his magic.”

\---

“You still don’t have reason to. He’s not a danger and you have no right to keep him here.” He rose from his chair, his tone growing more heated despite his efforts to keep calm. “Release him to me and I’ll make sure he never catches your eye again. Him or my other mage. We’ll be out of your hair. I know you’re very busy and you can get back to your normal routine once I have him back.”

\---

“I don’t need a reason to,” she snapped, rising to her feet in return. She would not be talked down to. “He is a mage and he belongs in chains, like every other mage. It seems you’ve become so privileged in your station that you’ve forgotten how the world works. Mages are a danger to everyone around them and they are and will always be kept far away from those they can hurt.”

“You can see yourself out.”

\---

“This isn’t over.” Though the conversation clearly was. She was going to keep Anders and nothing he could say would change her mind. He stormed out, needing to get home and gear up for what would have to be a rescue mission. It would be best if he had backup, but he loathed to think that his very best option to bring along was a murderous elf that would kill him just as soon as he’d kill all of the templars responsible for this. He’d need a plan for that as well if he decided he really couldn’t do this alone.

Once home, Hawke donned his armor, his blades, some potions, poisons and rope. He didn’t intend on hurting anyone, not if he could at all help it, but something that would make any templars that discovered them go to sleep for a little while would be very helpful. Next he would have to go visit the elf and see if he would be even remotely reasonable for the sake of the mage they both loved.

When he made his way to the mansion, he entered quietly without knocking. With any luck, Fenris would be asleep and he could restrain him before they could begin this conversation. He was not so lucky as Fenris was sitting up in his chair, anxious because Anders had not returned. He’d lit up at the sound of footsteps but when he turned and saw Hawke instead, his face had twisted in rage.

Cursing in Tevene, Fenris launched himself at Hawke, tackling him to the ground and bashing him wildly with his fists. Vicious as the elf was, he was also very light, since he hadn’t had much time to put weight back on after so much malnourishment, and Hawke had an easy enough time flipping them over. When he had him on his back, he thought the elf might calm but instead the warrior was clawing at him, first trying to pull his hands off of him, then trying to gouge out his eyes.

“Fenris, stop!” It was his turn to give him the same treatment Fenris had woken him up with a couple nights before and he punched him long enough to get the hands to stop clawing at his face, then took him by the collar of his oversized tunic and began to bash his head against the floor. It took a few hard cracks of his skull for the elf to quit fighting, the rogue breathing a sigh of relief when the other finally looked completely dazed. “Okay, listen up. Anders has been taken by the templars. You can kill me later, right now we need to get him out, they have him in chains.”

The warrior blinked at him, trying to comprehend what was said through his throbbing headache. “...They have Anders?” That shouldn’t be possible. He’d evaded the templars for so long. And yet, he still hadn’t come home…

“They do. I was there. I tried to stop them. I tried to get Meredith to return him to us. We’re going to have to break him out.” Hawke was glad he seemed to be listening, but when he started to squirm beneath him, he put more weight on him to pin him further.

“Get off me!” Fenris spat at him, his skin flickering dangerously as he began to fight again. “I have to go get him. I’ll kill every last one of them. There’s no time, get the fuck off of me!”

“No, no. That’s exactly what we’re not going to do. We’re not about to declare war on the templars. We’re just going to take back Anders and get him home safely, no bloodshed.” Hawke insisted, refusing to let him break free. He reached a hand down and grabbed a potion from his belt, using his teeth to pull the cork out of it. “I made this just for you. If you drink it, you can help me break him out. It’s the only way for us to do this safely.”

“You bastard!” Fenris began to fight more wildly beneath him, not about to drink anything from him. He kneed Hawke hard and he thought for a moment he had an opening to get out from under him, but he growled in frustration when the pained rogue just pinned him harder. “I have to save him!”

“We will.” Hawke promised through gritted teeth and he jammed the potion into Fenris’ mouth, using his fingers to clamp the elf’s nose shut until he was forced to swallow it down. When he felt him swallow, he released him to let him gasp for air, watching closely to make sure it worked. The fact that Fenris stopped flailing and shoving was a good enough sign. “That’s better. I diluted this sedative heavily and put it in a potion that will help your agility. I don’t want you sluggish. I just need you calm. Can you listen to me now?” He asked cautiously, not trusting him enough to remove his weight since he didn’t know just how long it would take to work.

It took some time for him to stop fighting, but eventually the elf went limp, looking up at Hawke with vague eyes, his pupils dilated. “I have to go get Anders.” His tone was a bit distant.

“Of course we do. And we'll get him back, but I'm going to need you to do exactly as I say.” He rose to his feet, helping the dazed warrior up as well. He set to looking around for armor to put on him, but he only found the scraps he'd worn back from Tevinter. The oversized clothes would have to do. He wasn't interested in giving him a weapon - if it all went wrong and it came down to a fight, he was deadly enough without one.

The infiltration went smoothly enough. Fenris was a bit more out of it than Hawke had intended, but he followed orders well enough if he was reminded it was for Anders. They knew the layout well enough that they'd found a good window to sneak in through. There were plenty of hiding spaces so many of the templars they'd been able to slip past without confrontation. On the occasions when they couldn't, the glow of the elf made for an excellent diversion so Hawke could sneak up and poison them with the tip of a blade. He dragged the sleeping templars off to dark corners where they would wake unscathed a little later on.

When they finally reached the chamber Anders was being kept in, Hawke used a hand to bring Fenris to a halt. He peeked carefully around the corner, watching to see what they were up against and instantly laying eyes on the templar who carried the keys.

\---

The guard posted at his cell was on alert, having been told that this mage would be particularly troublesome for them and that it was possible that there would be an attempt to spring him. When he’d been thrown inside the room, the mage had freaked out for a time, but he’d since calmed down and all was quiet.

From time to time he thought he could hear something from within, but whenever he listened more closely, there wasn’t anything of note.

Since his charge was of particular concern, he was far from the only templar nearby, so he wasn’t that worried about anything happening. He wasn’t aware that all of the templars nearby had already been taken out, however, so as much as he was taking care as he was taking to make sure nothing was happened, he wasn’t particularly concerned.

He didn’t move from his post in front of the door, however, standing vigilant, his eyes scanning the halls around him whenever he wasn’t caught up in his thoughts.

\---

Hawke frowned in concentration. He seemed to be the only guard, but he was sharp and he wasn’t patrolling around to give them a good opening. He was still contemplating the best way to get to him when Fenris blew their cover with a harsh coughing fit. The rogue grimaced but grabbed him by the shoulders, whispering “Glow.” into his ear as he shoved him out into the hallway. To his relief, the elf did just that and by the time he went staggering out into plain sight he was a beacon of lyrium.

Once the guard was fixated on the glowing warrior, Hawke made his move, getting behind him in a blur of movement and administering the same poison as he had to the other templars they hadn’t been able to avoid. He eased the man down to the ground as soon as he started to go limp, dragging him off out of sight and plucking the keys from him. He was pleased Fenris stopped all of the coughing, not wanting to draw any attention to them though he knew they’d gotten all of the nearby templars, and left the elf to rest against the wall and catch his breath while he went about trying keys in the lock. When he finally got the cell door unlocked, he yanked it open, his heart pounding in his temples. “Anders…”

\---

Anders was kneeling on the ground near a wall. His hands were cuffed behind him and there was a short chain leading from them to a ring on the wall so he wouldn’t be able to move from where he’d been left. He couldn’t even really get into a more comfortable position and he looked terribly pale as the door opened, his instinctive reaction being to try and shifted away, though all he managed was to strain his wrists as his heart picked up in fear.

He realized who it was however and he stilled, staring at the rogue standing in the doorway. He shouldn't be surprised, but he was.

He was on the verge of breaking down again, so he gave his wrists a sudden shake and tug, leaning away from the wall. “Get these off of me.”

\---

Hawke rushed to him, kneeling beside him and trying out the keys on the cuffs. “It’s alright, I’m going to get you out of here. I secured a route for us to get back out through a south window. We already slipped past the patrol and half the other guards are asleep.” He realized he let slip that he wasn’t alone and decided he’d best give the rest of the credit where it was due. “Fenris is here with us. We’ll both get you out of here safely.” He said as he found a key that made the cuffs fall away and he took Anders by the arm to carefully help him to his feet.

\---

His heart stopped at the mention of Fenris and as soon as he was on his feet, he drew his arm back to punch him as hard as he could in the jaw. “You stay away from him,” he spat, tears filling his eyes. “I’m surprised you bothered to come for me - all your problems would be solved if you just let them keep me.”

—

The punch surprised him and sent him staggering backwards, holding his jaw. “Anders, stop. I love you and you know that. I brought him because I knew he'd want to help. We don't have time to discuss this, we need to get you out of here.”

\---

“Stay away from us,” he repeated coldly, before hurrying out of the room. As soon as he caught sight of Fenris, he ran to him, throwing his arms around him. “Fenris!” He clung to him hard, struggling not to break down then and there. “Let’s get out of here.” He let go of him and took his hand, trying to tug him along.

—

Fenris was a bit dazed but he responded in an instant, clinging to Anders while the embrace lasted. “Are you hurt?” He asked hoarsely as they moved through the hall, the rogue right on their heels and watching sharply for patrolling templars. Both the elf and Hawke were a bit battered themselves, but that was from their fight in the mansion rather than their rescue mission.

—

“No, no, they didn’t do anything to me yet.” They’d arrived so quickly. He knew getting out wouldn’t mean anything and that they would have to leave Kirkwall, but that was no problem for him. He’d intended on leaving to get away from Hawke as soon as he’d found out the truth - they would just have to leave a little sooner.

He was a little amazed by all the bodies they passed on the ground - definitely Hawke’s work. He was not at all grateful.

When they reached the window, he was the first one to slip out, hitting the ground hard and making his feet ache, but so relieved to be free.

—

Hawke winced when he saw him jump, having brought rope for that. But they needed to get out there with him and so he didn't hesitate to follow. “Come on, I'll scout ahead a little and make sure the coast is clear.”

Fenris’ landing was not nearly so graceful, losing his footing and going down hard on his knees. Hawke moved to him without thinking, pulling him up and taking his weight.

\---

Anders was just irrational enough for the sight of Hawke touching him to rile him into shoving himself between them and to throwing him away from them, his expression twisted in rage.

“If I have to tell you to stay away from us one more time…”

He took the elf’s weight in place of the rogue and started away from the building, knowing this area well. He could get out unseen as long as they were careful.

—

“I'm just going to see you home safe. Then I'll leave you alone.” Hawke gave them considerably more space after he was shoved, but had to make sure Anders got away.

Fenris leaned into his love, coughing softly but trying to keep himself as quiet as possible as he rushed with him to get home.

\---

“We’re leaving tonight,” he informed the elf, his voice low and urgent. “We’ll pick up what we can our place, then we’ll get your sword from Hawke’s, and then we’ll go the clinic last and be gone before the sun begins to fall.”

When they made it to Hightown, he was a little less worried about being seen, but kept to the shadows, wanting to get out as soon as possible.

—

“Okay. As long as I'm with you, I don't care.” Fenris began to cough again, all of the commotion loosening more of the congestion in his chest.

“He's not in any shape to do any more running right now.” Hawke said from where he stalked ahead to check for guards. “I can find you someplace to hide nearby until he's fit to travel.”

\---

He looked at him in concern, rubbing his hand against his back, but was still focused on what they were doing. They would find a place to rest as soon as they were out of town and he would feel better. “You know what, Hawke? If you want to make yourself useful, go pick up Fenris’ sword and meet us at the clinic.”

That wouldn’t even begin to redeem him, but it would make all of this much faster and at this point, the faster the better. It wouldn’t be long before all of the passed out templars were discovered or began to wake and when they did, he knew getting out of town would be almost impossible.

\---

“I’ll meet you there.” The rogue agreed quickly, then rushed off to get the sword as well as some of Anders’ things. Just as long as his mage didn’t slip away while he was gathering their belongings, that was fine with him.

Fenris hardly seemed to notice the rogue leaving or even what they were saying. His mind was hazy now that the direct objective of rescuing Anders was gone and he hadn’t had a moment to really process that his lover was really beside him and he’d saved him from the templars. The sedative he’d been given was beginning to wear out, but right now all he could concentrate on was moving quickly and quietly with Anders.

\---

He felt better with Hawke gone and it wasn’t long before they were in inside the mansion. There wasn’t much Anders wanted to grab, knowing that they would have to carry light, but there were a few things he wouldn’t go without. One of which was an older staff that he’d around kept as backup. His had been confiscated when he was picked up and though it had been a far nicer staff, there was no getting it back and he didn’t want to go without.

“Grab only what you need, love,” he told him as he began stuffing a bag with just a few things. He’d forgotten to tell Hawke, but the one thing he would have wanted from all his belongings that had ended up in Hawke’s mansion was his mother’s pillow, but if he had to leave it behind then so be it. It wasn’t as important as getting them both out of there and so he made do with picking up what had been left in their home.

\---

Fenris looked around when they were inside, his eyes still vague. What did he need? He’d gone so long without having anything at all that all of the things lying around the mansion seemed unimportant. After standing there for a long moment, he grabbed the blanket from their bed and a pillow. They felt and smelled like home and he’d missed them while he’d been away. “I think this is all I want…” He didn’t sound sure at all about that.

\---

He paused to see what he’d grabbed and from there, paused further. Slowly, he approached him, reaching out and setting a hand on his arm. “...Are you alright?” All of this was happening so quickly, but he was finally recognizing that something wasn’t quite right.

\---

He looked at the hand on his arm and then Anders. “I don’t feel good, but it doesn’t matter. We saved you. Hawke knew I wanted to kill him and he still came to get me so we could save you. I wouldn’t have even known they had you…” He’d have found out, but not nearly soon enough. Now that he was talking through just what they’d done and the reality that Anders had been in the hands of the templars, he began to shake and his eyes became glassy as if he just now got the news.

\---

If he thought about it, it was surprising. He wouldn’t have expected him to come get him, much less to utilize the one person who was living proof of what he’d done. “It’s alright, they weren’t going to keep me. I wouldn’t have let them.” He’d been fearful of what was to become of him, but he’d had a plan. Whether it would have worked was up in the air, but he would never have to find out. “We’re free and if we’re going to stay that way, we have to go.” He leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Are you sure that’s all you want?”

\---

“I don’t know.” He had calmed a bit at the kiss. He looked down at what he carried, then back at Anders. “I was gone so long, nothing else really feels like it’s mine anymore. I just need you and somewhere comfortable to lie with you.” He knew he’d regret it if he forgot anything really important, so he looked around with a frown. “...Maybe a little food and a change of clothes.”

\---

“Sounds good.” He’d planned on bringing what they could carry in food. If all of their money hadn’t been taken he would have felt better about all this, but even that didn’t matter. As long as they were safe, it would be okay.

“Come on, we need to get to Darktown so I can pick up a few more things and then we can go.”

\---

“Alright.” He had no interest in staying put, wanting to get Anders far away from the templars as quickly as he could. He had found a bag to stuff his things into, though the vast majority of the space in it were taken up by the pillow and blanket. He took Anders by the hand, moving quickly from their home to head to the clinic. “I think I will miss my chair as well. When we settle somewhere new, we’ll have to get a nice chair to put by the fireplace.” He mused quietly.

\---

That brought a little smile to his lips, but it didn’t last long. “I will miss my clinic.” There was nothing to be done about it, though, and he’d always prepared himself for the possibility of having to drop everything and go. He left it at that, eventually coming to said clinic and unlocking the door with a key that he kept hidden on him. It had not been found when he’d been stripped of everything else and soon he was inside, collecting all kinds of bottles of different mixtures.

He filled his bag with far more here than he had in their home, but that was likely in part due to the fact that a lot of his stuff was at Hawke’s. “Alright, that’s everything. Let’s move.”

If Hawke wasn’t here… then they would just have to get Fenris a new sword.

\---

“I know you will. But we can start a new one wherever we go. There will always be people that need you.” He had wandered around the clinic, grabbing random supplies to stuff into his bag for lack of any ideas of what he wanted here specifically. When he was told it was time to go, he nodded and started for the door, but saw Hawke standing in the entrance of the clinic.

The rogue had a bag slung over each shoulder and Fenris’ massive sword on his back. “Okay let’s go. I couldn’t grab all of your things, but I have some of the important ones I knew you’d want.”

\---

Anders saw what he was holding and frowned - how did he expect him to carry two extra bags? The question was quickly answered and he looked at him incredulously. “Let’s go? You’re not going anywhere.” He held out his hand for whichever bag was his, figuring he could dump what he didn’t want when they got out of town. “You’re staying here and we’re leaving, bye Hawke.”

\---

“After the talk I had with Meredith on your behalf today, she’s going to want my head for freeing you. I can’t stay here, I left Varric instructions on what to do until I can get a hold of him.” He kept the bags, shaking his head. “If I was the villian you think I am, don’t you think I would have used this opportunity for something? I could have gotten rid of Fenris and waited until you were desperate for a hero to go break you out. But I’m not like that, Anders. You know that I’m not. I went to get your man and risked my neck because it was the right thing to do and we saved you together. Now let’s get moving.”

\---

He frowned, narrowing his eyes. “You said it, not me. I’m sure that did occur to you, didn’t it?” He was so hurt and came through plainly in his expression and his voice. He didn’t bother to hide it - his broken heart was now filled with betrayal. Betrayal so vile that it made him feel ill to think of all of the time he’d spent with him and all of the intimacy they’d shared.

“If you want to skip town, fine, but you’re not coming with us. Figure your own way out.”

\---

“No, it just sounded like something he would accuse me of.” Hawke looked to the elf, who looked weary enough to collapse where he stood. “Look at him, Anders. You’re going to need help, he’s not going to be able to move fast and he’s too weak to fight. We’ll go our separate ways eventually, but right now we need to work together. I can help you take care of him and I have the coin to help us get far away from here.”

“I’m fine. We just need to go.” Fenris said, but he sounded exhausted and he fell into another fit of harsh coughs.

\---

He glared at him, not trusting him a bit. It hurt so much to have fallen so far, but knowing what he was capable of made him wonder what else he was capable of. It wasn’t as if it mattered, though, it wasn’t as if he was going to get him back. There was nothing Hawke could do to win him back, especially now, and he had to assume that he knew that.

So if Hawke had given up on him, what was his motivation? Why was he doing this?

“You know what? Keep it.” He didn’t need his stuff. He grabbed Fenris’ hand and squeezed past him, all but storming out of the clinic.

\---

“Anders, you'll want what I have. I'm coming with you. I can help.” Hawke followed after them, staying just a few paces behind. It was easy since Fenris was lagging behind a bit, trying to keep up with Anders but a bit unsteady on his feet. “Isn't there a town nearby that sells horses? We could head that way and get a one in the morning, we'll put a lot more distance between us and the templars.” Fenris mused, mostly just hopeful to be off his feet and not realizing in his daze that Anders hadn't grabbed any money while they packed. Money that he never realized had been taken.

\---

“We’ll see what we can do,” he replied vaguely, knowing that if they were to get horses, they were going to have to steal them and already feeling the disapproval to that thought, though Justice was so caught up in being outraged at their third wheel that the feeling wasn’t as strong as he would have expected.

He just ignored Hawke, wanting him gone, but not willing to get him the satisfaction of further responses.

“We’ll find a safe place to camp soon, love,” he assured the elf, but the mage was so anxious about getting out of town that he would have to grit his teeth and bear it until they were.

—

“Alright, Amatus.” He'd go as far as his healer wanted. He had gotten used to traveling when he felt this bad on his long trek home from Tevinter, though his head wasn't normally so foggy even when he was starved and sick. He vaguely remembered Hawke making him drink something, but a lot of the things leading up to getting Anders out of his cell were a blur. He felt like he’d be able to think a lot more clearly if he could lie down and get a little sleep.

He was as relieved as the humans with him to be out of town, but they didn't get far before the elf really began to slow them down, his coughing fits making him stumble and occasionally bringing him to a halt. Hawke finally moved in closer, taking Fenris’ bag from him and taking his free arm. “I'll carry him, we'll be able to move a lot faster.”

\---

Anders was continually looking behind them, making sure they weren’t being followed… by anyone else. When Hawke moved in, the mage stepped between them, not allowing him to touch him. “Keep your hands off of him,” he growled, pulling him close. “If he needs to be carried, I’ll carry him.”

He turned his attention to the elf, his expression softening. “Are you alright? Do you want me to carry you for a little while?”

—

“You were taken by templars today. I should be carrying you.” Fenris said with a weary smirk. He leaned into Anders, taking advantage while he was pulled in so close. “I'll be okay, I just might have to stop and catch my breath.”

“You know I'm not going to hurt him. We need to get you further from town. If you don't want me to carry him, at least let me carry your bag so you can do it.” Hawke already had plenty to carry but he'd do whatever it took to be useful.

\---

“Not for long,” he countered, leaning in to give him a sweet kiss. “You saved me.” As if it had been him alone. He held out his bag to Hawke, waiting for him to take it. As soon as the weight was gone, he wrapped his arms around Fenris, giving his back a stroke.

“It’s alright, I’ll carry you for just a little while.” Knowing what would be easiest for longest, he let go and turned his back to him. “Come on, climb up.” 

—

Hawke didn't let his annoyance show when he was discounted from the rescue, but was relieved that he was allowed to take the bag from him. Fenris had smiled when he was kissed, but sighed when when Anders turned around to offer him a ride. “Just for a little while.” He climbed onto his back and wrapped his arms loosely around his shoulders. At least he knew that as thin as he was at the moment and with no armor on, he'd be relatively easy to carry.

\---

Anders took hold of his legs and with some adjustment, found he really wasn’t really difficult to carry. He probably wouldn’t have been difficult to carry even if he’d been as heavy as he usually was. Strong as he was, Anders gave both of them a run for their money, so he knew he’d be able to carry him like this for a while.

“Onward.” He continued along, finding that they were able to move a lot quicker when they weren’t moving at Fenris’ pace.

—

Hawke moved up to walk beside him, but kept some distance, knowing he wouldn't be welcome. He was silent for a time, keeping an eye on Anders to make sure he wasn't getting tired of carrying the elf, though he knew his lover was very strong.

Fenris was lulled by the steady motion of Anders’ walk and the scent of him. It wasn't long before his head was resting on his shoulder and once he let himself relax that way, it only took minutes for him to be out, his arms limp and dangling.

“He worked hard to help get you out of there. I'm not surprised he's exhausted.” Hawke said softly when he saw the warrior was sound asleep.

\---

“I have nothing to say to you.” He didn’t want to hear him speak. He didn’t want to look at him. He didn’t want to be near him, but he wasn’t being given a choice in that matter.

Despite what he had to say, he found himself going on. “You’re lucky that I’m holding Justice back. Our relationship with you isn’t enough for him to forgive you, not after what you did.” He wouldn’t forgive him either, but he wasn’t going to ‘make him pay’ the way the spirit wanted to.

Death was somehow not enough and somehow too much.

He didn’t want Hawke to die, even knowing what he did and what he caused, but he was going to make sure everyone knew him for what he was. He wasn’t going to let it go - he had letters to write when they got to wherever they were going.

—

“I haven't done anything, Anders. I think that deep down, you know that. You've known me for a very long time and you know I’d do anything to help our friends.” He watched the ground as they walked, deeply regretting that he hadn't burned that letter immediately. “He convinced Fenris of those things to hurt him. He probably just wrote to me in case Fenris would come back here even after all the things he said about me.”

\---

“You’re a really good liar. It’s no wonder you had me so fooled,” he replied, honestly amazed at his gull. “I just don’t understand why. Fenris says it’s because you wanted me, but that’s… that’s crazy.”

“So what was it, Hawke? What did Fenris do to deserve that kind of betrayal? What did I do to deserve that kind of betrayal?”

—

“There's a good reason you don't understand why - because it didn't happen. There is no motive that makes sense because me doing that to you or to him doesn't make sense.” He shook his head. “I know you're angry so you haven't been able to look at this clearly. But when you do, you'll realize that there is no reason I would sell Fenris.”

\---

“No, I’m seeing things a lot clearer than I have in a long time.” He wasn’t sure what it would’ve taken for him to believe it, if not for the letter. “I even told Fenris that you weren’t dumb enough to leave letters lying around, but I guess I was wrong about that too.”

—

“I got that letter today. I wasn't in a rush to get rid of it because I don't have anything to hide. I only panicked when you came in because I know Fenris keeps trying to convince you that I did something to hurt him.” He finally looked to Anders again. “Think of it from a selfish vantage on my end. By losing Fenris, I was short a warrior and ran into a lot of trouble on missions because Aveline isn't always available. And I lost my talented healer for a long time too because you were grieving. I was grieving too. Why in the Maker's name would I handicap myself like that and get rid of Fenris?”

\---

“I don’t know, Hawke, you tell me.” He quickened his pace, as if to put space between them. “When we get those horses, we’re going separate ways.” He didn’t care how they got them, but after they had them, he wasn’t spending another moment with him.

—

“I hope by then you won’t be deciding to throw away all that we had and our friendship over a false assumption.” He didn’t know how else he could convince him, but he had to try. “How much further do you want to go before we set up camp? He’ll get heavy before long and I know you don’t want me to carry him for you.”

\---

“Somewhere close to water, he’s going to be thirsty.” He continued on, slowing down over time. It wasn’t difficult to carry him, but the weight did eventually get to him and his back began to ache. He refused to put him down until they came across a stream and at that point, he eased him down as gently as possible, wanting to avoid waking him if he could.

\---

The elf was deeply asleep, dead to the world in a way that he hadn’t been in a very long time. Normally any shifting or noise would rouse him, but he was so far gone now that his eyes didn’t even flutter as he was set on the ground. Hawke had moved in to support the elf’s head, knowing he wouldn’t want him touching Fenris, but also knowing there was no good way for the mage to do it. “Do you want me to gather wood for a fire or would you feel safer without one tonight?”

\---

“No fire.” He would keep his elf warm himself. As far as Hawke went, he could deal with the cold. He held his hand out for their sacks, waiting expectantly, and as soon as he had his hands on them, he was digging out the pillow and the blanket that Fenris had brought along, slipping the former under his head and the latter over his body.

\---

With the bags handed over and the weight of the enormous sword off of his back, Hawke moved to sit down nearby. He watched Anders tuck Fenris in as if they were at home, looking weary but a bit amused. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone on the run pack a pillow and blanket.” Though it wasn’t a terrible idea, the elf would be far more comfortable than he would tonight.

\---

“Yes, well, when you have little else.” His eyes flicked up to him and he glared. “Feel free to share whatever coin you have - since you stole what we had saved up, it’s only fair.” He looked back down at his elf and ran his hand through his hair gently. “You can pay for our horses.” He eased down to the ground beside him and shifted in against him, sliding an arm around him and resting his head on what little of the pillow was left.

\---

“I took it for you. Every copper of it went to you. I used it on things you would like, but mostly on the clinic. I knew that was what Fenris would want the money used for it he was here. It was better than letting that coin rot in a house you were never going to step foot in again.” Hawke laid down where he was using the one bag he’d brought for himself as a pillow. He watched the way the elf, as deeply asleep as he was, shift instinctively to nestle himself against Anders. It wiped away any of the amused expression remaining from his face. He desperately missed lying with Anders that way.

\---

He saw no reason to continue the conversation, so he didn’t. He preferred to get comfortable and provide the heat his lover needed to sleep through the night without shivering, so he tugged the blanket over him so they were sharing it and leaned in to give cheek a kiss.

“Sleep well, love,” he whispered to him, as if he was still awake.

\---

Hawke frowned and closed his eyes, ready to get some rest as well. “I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.” It wouldn’t be welcome, but it was true. He’d try not to sleep too long, wanting to wake to keep watch but also not wanting his lover to try to sneak away from him in the night.

\---

The words made him tense and though he didn’t acknowledge them, they repeated in his mind. For a long time, he heard it over and over in Hawke’s voice as clear as if he’d just said them and eventually, he began to cry. The tears were silent and he refused to give any hint of his distress, even his breathing carefully controlled, but his eyes leaked, as did his nose, for quite a while, and he had to wipe at his face continually with his sleeve.

\---

Hawke didn’t notice for quite awhile, nearly falling asleep as he was, but when he opened his eyes to shift to a more comfortable position, he saw Anders wiping at his cheeks. He watched him for a long moment, realizing what was happening as the other continued to try to dry his face. “...Anders...Please don’t let this lie keep hurting you. You know I love you and I would never hurt you.”

\---

He stiffened when the silence was broken and he quickly dropped his arm from his face, wanting to pretend that he had no idea what he was talking about. “Leave me alone, Hawke.” His voice was a little stuffier than he would have liked, but he’d held it together well enough.

\---

“I’ll never leave you alone. You’re the love of my life. I can’t lose you over some lie a psychopath put into Fenris’ head.” Hawke turned onto his side, tucking an arm under his bag to get more comfortable. He couldn’t lose Anders, not after all of this.

\---

“Well you have. You’ve lost me and you already agreed to going separate ways, so just back off. It makes me sick listening to you talk.” He did. It made his heart sick and more tears fell from his eyes, hurting so bad and having no proper way to express it. He had to stay quiet and still when he wanted to scream and rage, to grab him and shake him, to demand answers and to make him understand just how bad all of this was.

Like he’d care.

\---

“I can’t. If I thought you had betrayed me, you wouldn’t just let me go either. Even if I’m not the one you want. You wouldn’t want things to stay sour between us based on a lie.” He couldn’t let him go, no matter what.

\---

He had to resist snapping at him, not wanting to wake Fenris. “I swear to Andraste, if you don’t shut up, I’m going to let Justice have his way with you, you backstabbing bastard.” He was so angry, but the hurt was overtaking it and he ended up collapsing back into tears, having to cover his face to try and stop it.

\---

“I don’t think you would. I know you’re mad at me because of that stupid letter, but I think part of you knows this is a mistake. Would you let him kill me when you don’t honestly know what happened that day?”  He hoped not, but he imagined if Justice was convinced, he was likely feeding Anders’ suspicions of him.

\---

“Letting you touch me was a mistake.” He’d let Hawke hold him and comfort him. He’d let those strong hands run all over him to feel something other than pain. He’d let the feelings he’d had from so long ago rise to the surface and he’d let him into his heart. “Pretending that you would be the man I would spend my life with was a mistake.” There was no pretending, he’d really thought that his life would be spent with Hawke and he’d been happy.

Genuinely happy.

“You’re so sick.You sold him, you sold him, and you held me while I cried. I don’t… How? How heartless are you?”

\---

“I cried with you. There was so much blood that day. He was so limp and lifeless when they carried him to the ship, I thought he was dead for sure. And I’d been stabbed, I was bleeding out and I could hardly breathe. You healed that wound, remember? I almost died that day too trying to protect him. Because I knew how devastated you would be if I came home without him…” He was getting tearful himself again, hating to hear the way Anders spoke of him now.

\---

He shook his head. He couldn’t handle this and he didn’t want to disturb his beloved, so he eased away from him. He wouldn’t let him out of his sight, but he needed space. “I trusted you. I trusted you so much, I told Fenris what he knew was impossible, but… I’m not an idiot. I can read between the lines and I know what that letter means. Deny it all you want, but I know. I don’t understand, but I know.”

\---

“You don’t understand because it doesn’t make sense. Nothing in that letter suggested I’ve ever done business with Danarius. I have to find some way to convince you and Fenris that this is all a mistake. That you’re my friends and you can still trust me. We all know that Danarius is a sick, manipulative man. Is it really that shocking that he’d try to turn us all against each other?” Since Anders had moved away from Fenris, he sat up, trying to move in a little closer.

\---

“Why would he write you, Hawke? Why? If you didn’t sell him, why would he bother? If he turned Fenris against you, if he made it all up, what possible reason would he have to contact you? If he knew you were his friend, why would he risk warning you that he was searching for him? That he might, I don’t know, come to Kirkwall to try and find him? Why did he think you would help him?!” he spat, getting increasingly riled as he went on, moving further away from where the elf was sleeping as his voice rose.

\---

“Because he turned Fenris against me. You heard how adamant he was that I had sold him to Danarius. When he escaped, the magister was probably counting on the fact that his slave was brainwashed enough to turn on me. Which was the case since he fully intended to kill me that night he snuck into our bedroom. If he turned Fenris into my enemy, wouldn’t it make sense that he would hope I’d give him up or at least tell him where I last saw him?” He didn’t move any closer when his voice began to rise. “It’s the only reason I can think of that he would write me that letter.”

\---

“No, it doesn’t, Hawke. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would you give him up? If you’re as innocent as you say you are, why would you do that? You didn’t know he turned him against you. What? You’re seriously going to try and tell me that he was banking on him trying to kill you, failing, and then when you got the letter, deciding to ship him out?” What the hell was he talking about? How did that make any sense?

\---

“He doesn’t know me or how loyal I am. He’s never met me.” Hawke said firmly with a frown. “Maybe he thought Fenris accusing me would be enough to turn on him. I didn’t answer his letter and if anything, I thought about telling him Fenris was somewhere far away just to keep Danarius off of his scent. Even if he’s turned on me and he never forgives me, I would never betray my friend that way.”

\---

He stared at him, part of him wanting to believe him. Wanting to believe it was true. It hurt too much and he didn’t want everything he knew to be lies. “I don’t believe you,” he whispered and it seemed as if saying that took so much out of him. “I hate you.” The words slipped out, quieter still, but saying it aloud seemed to break him. His hands lifted to his face and he wept into them, his heart pounding hard in his chest, the uneven thumping making him feel lightheaded.

He loved him still, he knew, but he hated him too and it was so painful.

\---

“It’s the truth. I just hope you see that one day. I love you. I’m going to love you no matter how many times you say you hate me.” He looked down at the ground, watching the tears that were rolling down his cheeks hit the dirt. “I love you so much.”

\---

He didn’t have anything else to argue and he was too worked up to try, even if he did. He turned away from him, crying his heart out. He’d not cried like this in his presence since Fenris had ‘died’, but the pain of losing Hawke like this was nearly as bad. Losing him at all had hurt and he’d struggled with it, but losing him to this unspeakable betrayal was… awful. He’d prefer that Hawke had died to this, though he still couldn’t bring himself to wish death on him.

At least then his memory would have been preserved.

\---

When he turned away, Hawke moved swiftly and silently to Anders. He moved in close and put his arms around him, stroking him with the same soothing hands that had comforted him through many months of heartache. He would take another punch to the face if he had to, compelled to comfort him as he was.

\---

He took in a gasping breath, leaning away from him. The hands felt like they were burning him and yet… they knew just how to touch him. He knew how to hold and comfort him better than anyone else.

Better than even Fenris, simply because Fenris had never needed to give him so much comfort. He never had to learn how to mend his broken heart and Hawke had.

Justice burned, hot as his hands, but Anders’ grief was so overwhelming that he couldn’t overtake it.

—

Hawke could feel him leaning away, but he tightened his arms around him. He started to urge him down to sit in his lap and tuck his face into his neck so he could shelter Anders the way he had so many days and nights after losing Fenris. If he would let him, he knew he could calm him and ease his pain.

\---

It didn’t take much for him to crumple and he ended up curled up on top him, breaking down completely. He was shaking, his entire body moving in his distress. He didn’t want his comfort, but he needed it, even knowing that he was the source of this misery.

—

He held the mage, kissing his temple and stroking his back. “I love you, Anders. I would never hurt you. This is just a misunderstanding and you know I love you.” He cooed to him, kissing him again.

\---

He made a grieving sound, having never been so hurt in his life. Being given to the templars by his father hadn’t been this bad - in some way, even Fenris disappearing hadn’t. He knew Hawke loved him, but how could he do that? If he loved him, how could he?

—

“This will be okay. I'll prove how much you and Fenris mean to me.” He assured him, starting to rock him gently in his lap.

\---

He was convincing. He was so very convincing, but he would have to be, wouldn’t he? Even with nothing on his side, he knew just what to say.

He looked up at him, his eyes red and his face hot and sticky.

—

He watched him look up to him and he kissed his brow. “You'll see. This will be alright. I'll show you.”

\---

He swallowed, meeting his gaze and searching them. He knew his face so well and before all of this, he would have said that he knew him so well.

He lifted a hand to his face and gave it a rough wipe, able to feel what a mess he was.

“If anything happens to him before we part ways - anything - if a bandit sneaks up on him and stabs him in the back, if he trips over a rock and falls and breaks his neck, if a fucking butterfly flies into his mouth and chokes him, I will hurt you.”

—

Hawke moved a hand up to gingerly wipe some of the tears he'd missed. “I'm not going to let anything happen to him. I'm here to keep both of you safe. I love you and he's my friend. I didn't leave either of you behind when the templars took you and I'm not going to let anything happen now.”

\---

He swallowed again, but seemed to calm a little more. He continued to meet his gaze and after a some further searching, he gave a tiny nod. There was a fire still burning inside him, but as he began to relax, so did it.

—

When he seemed to calm down, he kissed his brow again. “Why don't you go lie down with him and get some rest? I'll sleep for a bit, then get up to keep watch.” He was tired, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep well, not after all this and not with guilt he'd all but forgotten resurfacing to gnaw at him.

\---

The suggestion seemed wake him up to their positioning and he leaned back from him. He quickly rose to his feet to put space between them, but rather than go back to his elf, he moved closer to the stream to take a drink and rinse off his face.

—

Hawke rose to his feet as well, but didn't follow him. He went instead to look down at the elf, looking down at him with a frown. He was pale in the moonlight and now that he was close enough, he could hear that his breathing was uneven and had a soft rattling sound, suggesting that he had more congestion to hack up soon. He had to keep Fenris alive and well, otherwise Anders would blame him entirely for whatever happened.

 

\---

It took some time for him to gather himself and it was still hard to breathe, but he went back to the sleeping elf. He saw the way Hawke was watching him and he frowned, but said nothing as he eased down beside him and pulled him in carefully, warming both of them up with a little passive magic.

—

“He needs to cough. If you pat his back, it might help him breathe.” He didn't have any business telling a healer how to help him. But he wanted to show his concern and he knew Anders was preoccupied with everything else that was going on. He went back to his bag, easing himself back down to use it as a pillow.

\---

He frowned and for a time ignored him, but he could hear that his breathing was troubled, so after everything seemed to have settled, he coaxed his lover into a better position to help loosen what was built up in his chest and tried to relieve him of it with gentle pats.

\---

It took some coaxing, but eventually the patting did the trick. Fenris coughed harshly for a time, but once it passed, his breathing sounded significantly better. He made a sound in his sleep, perhaps a sound of relief. Hawke smiled faintly from where he was resting, but said nothing.


	12. Chapter 12

Hawke was awake much of the night, as he’d expected, but he’d gotten enough sleep to at least feel a bit rested. He had been on his feet and watching for any signs of movement near them when he heard stirring from where the other two slept. He’d expected it to be Anders, but he saw Fenris starting to push himself up from his pillow. He looked around, a bit disoriented, but not vague in the way he’d been the night before. When his gaze fell on Hawke, he gave him a distrustful look, then turned his eyes back down to Anders. Since it appeared his lover was alright, he shifted away from him, making his way a bit unsteadily for the stream where he began to drink ravenously.

\---

The movement was enough to begin rousing him and he ended up rolling to his back. His eyes remained shut for a time, but it was clear that awareness was settling in as he shifted here and there to get comfortable. Eventually they cracked open. A hand lifted and he rubbed at them as he pushed himself up to prop himself on his free arm behind him.

His eyes found Hawke first and after a few beats, everything registered and alarmed filled his eyes when he realized Fenris wasn’t beside him. He scrambled to his feet and in doing so, caught sight of him at the stream. He visibly relaxed, letting out a deep breath, hand lifting to press to his chest.

\---

“He just woke up.” Hawke informed him, having hoped the mage would sleep a bit longer. He likely needed the rest and hadn’t wanted him to wake with such a fright. When he heard coughing from the stream, he noticed it was different from the usual barking quality of Fenris’ congestion. He had gotten overzealous in his need to hydrate himself and was choking. Though he’d almost certainly just swallowed wrong and would recover in a moment, remembering what Anders had said the night before, Hawke raced for him. He clearly startled the elf when he reached him and started to pat his back hard, instructing him to breathe.

\---

Anders’ eyes widened when he started choking, his relief disappearing. He took a couple of steps towards him, as if waiting to see if it would clear on its own before he went into full on panic, but then he saw Hawke racing towards him out of the corner of his eye and his heart stopped. His hands lifted, fully prepared to stop him, violently if needed, but before he could summon the energy, he was already there and trying to help him breathe.

It brought him to pause and his hands lowered slightly, hesitating, before dropping completely as he hurried over himself. He was glaring at Hawke, angry at him for not listening to him, but he didn’t interrupt this time. He let him continue what he was doing and help Fenris, watching closely to make sure he didn’t try anything funny.

\---

Eventually Fenris’ coughing eased and he drew in deep, desperate breaths of air. He’d still been hunched over the stream and Hawke pulled gently on his shoulders, forcing him to straighten up so he could get more air. “That’s it. Don’t panic, try to breathe slow…”

It took a little bit for Fenris’ breathing to even out and when it did, he looked to Hawke, conflicted. He wasn’t about to thank him, but he had been helpful. He gave him a nod in place of spoken gratitude, but quickly went to Anders.

\---

As soon as he was close enough, Anders wrapped him up in his arms. “Morning, my love.” He leaned in to press a kiss to his forehead and then held him close. His eyes lifted to find Hawke and he looked at him briefly, before turning away from him, so neither of them were facing him directly.

\---

“Good morning, Amatus.” He sounded much more like himself, not so dazed as he was the night before. Forgetting the rogue entirely, he cupped his face with his hands and pressed a series of brief, needy kisses to his lips. “Thank the Maker you’re safe. I couldn’t stand the idea of them hurting you…”

\---

“It’s alright, nothing happened.” They’d come so quickly that there hadn’t been time for them to do anything to him. He responded to the kisses, pressing some in return, before settling on a lingering kiss. He had been fearful of what might come of him, but nothing had happened. He needed him and he showed him this in the emotions he poured into the kiss.

\---

He melted into the kiss, so caught up in him that at first he didn’t notice the footsteps moving away from them as Hawke went back for his bag. When he could finally bring himself to break the kiss, he studied Anders carefully. “Hawke is still here, but last night you wanted him gone. What happened yesterday?”

\---

“...Nothing.” He didn’t want to talk about it. He knew he owed him an apology for doubting him, but he didn’t want him to have to face the reality that he already knew. He didn’t want him attacking Hawke, either, even if he deserved it. “A lot happened yesterday, I just want to get somewhere that’s safe for both of us.”

\---

“We can talk about it when we’re further from town.” He agreed, but didn’t look satisfied. He wanted to know what had happened between him and Hawke. “We could have a quick bite to eat, then get moving again.” He said, unaware that Hawke was already getting food out for all of them.

\---

“Sounds good.” He met his gaze and then leaned in to pull him into another kiss. This too he held for a time, before reluctantly pulling back. “When we’re alone…” He stroked a hand down his side, then stepped back from him entirely.

\---

“Do you know where you want to go?” He crouched by the stream again, using the water to wash his face and then take another drink. Much slower and calmer this time so he wouldn’t choke again. “I don’t care where we go. So long as I’m with you, it doesn’t matter.” He’d even follow him to Tevinter if that was where Anders would feel safest.

\---

“No… I thought of places I might go years ago, but… I never really thought I’d have to pick up and leave.” Not for a long time. “I suppose I wouldn’t mind going back to Ferelden. It would be less dangerous than it would have been for me years ago.” Enough time had passed that he knew no one would actively be looking for him and he might not even be recognized if he kept a low profile.

\---

“Then that is where we’ll go.” He rose again and took Anders’ hand, starting to lead him back to their bags. “Maybe we can get some land of our own. I could retire my sword and start a vineyard.” He knew Anders didn’t want him going on missions anymore anyway, so it sounded like a pleasant alternative.

\---

The thought made him smile, but he knew that it would be difficult for him to settle into a quiet life. “There’s still a lot that I have to do, but maybe we can find some place where we can do both what you want and what I want.” It wasn’t really what he wanted as much as needed - it would be wrong for him to settle down into a peaceful life knowing what his kind was going through elsewhere.

\---

He gave him a little frown, uncertain how he felt about that. “We lost each other for a long time. I nearly lost you again yesterday. I just want to be with you and keep you safe.” He didn’t ever want him to catch the eyes of a templar again.

\---

“It’s alright - I’ll protect you and you’ll protect me.” He wove their fingers together, giving him an assuring squeeze. He didn’t doubt it had been frightening for him, but they’d gotten out alright and even if Fenris hadn’t been able to get him out, he’d had his back up plan. He wanted to believe that there had been no real danger, even if he knew otherwise. “You proved that yesterday.” He offered him a little smile.

\---

He tried to return the smile, but it was too uneasy to come off as genuine. “I wouldn’t have even known they had you if he hadn’t come to get me. I can’t let anything happen to you. I didn’t know what we’d find when we got to your cell.” He was growing increasingly more upset the more he spoke about it.

\---

“You’ve been through a lot more than I have. Don’t worry about me - let me worry about you.” He couldn’t resist using his hold on him to pull him back in to hug him to him. “You’re still recovering from everything. If you get too tired to walk, I’ll carry you again later.”

\---

The elf wrapped his arms around him, eager to settle into his embrace. “I’m not going to ask you to carry me again. I’m alright today.” Of course, he’d be better if he could be resting in bed as he had gotten spoiled to in the previous days. But they had to get far from the templars hunting for his love and he felt he could walk for days without rest if he had to.

\---

“We’ll see how you feel,” he insisted, holding him a while longer, before letting go and moving to grab his bag. He still didn’t know what Hawke had brought for him and he hadn’t cared to look. He’d find out eventually. He rifled through it, grabbing some herbs. “I’m going to make you some tea - it should help with your congestion.” Then when they finished eating, they could get a move on.

\---

“Tea sounds good.” He still didn’t feel hydrated enough, so perhaps the tea would help with that as well as the pressure in his chest. He took a seat by his bag, starting to fold up his blanket. Hawke had cut up some smoked meat and cheese and he had some small metal plates he usually brought along on their travels, moving to give one of the plates to Fenris and another to Anders. Fenris gave Hawke a distrustful look, but he was hungry and he took the offered food.

\---

By the time Anders had a cup of hot water steeping, they were being offered the plates. At first Anders didn’t think much of it, but then his eyes went to what Fenris was holding and he stared at it for a beat, thinking it over. “Here, love,” he spoke suddenly, offering his plate to him. “This one has a little more.” Whether it did or not, he didn’t know, but he wanted to trade plates with him and he snagged the one he was holding without waiting for a response.

\---

Fenris was surprised when his plate was taken, but didn’t think much of it, taking the one Anders offered him instead. He didn’t notice much of a difference, but it didn’t matter to him. He took a bite of the new meal he’d been given, deciding it was very tasty. Hawke raised a brow at the switch, looking a bit amused. “Sorry, I tried to portion them evenly. I should have thought to give him a little extra.”

\---

Anders glanced over at him and saw the amusement on his expression. He did not share it and his own expression made that clear. “You should have.” He lifted a bit of the meat to his lips and took a bite. If there was anything wrong with it, he figured Hawke would have intervened and if not, then Fenris would take him out, just like he wanted.

\---

“When we stop to eat later I’ll give him more.” He fully intended to be with them for many more meals. He took his seat again and began to eat his own portion. Fenris began to eat a little more eagerly, but kept an eye on Anders and he realized the more likely reason why he might have wanted to trade plates. But he also realized that Hawke would have stepped in immediately if he’d done anything to the food.

\---

He was rather hungry himself and he put away his portion quickly. When he was done, he offered the thoroughly steeped tea to Fenris. “Have this before we go.” He wanted to make sure he had it in his system before they got moving since it would help him along.

\---

Fenris took the tea, inhaling the steam from it and finding that even the smell alone helped him breathe a little easier. He drank it down slowly, feeling that the way it coated his throat might also relieve some of the soreness he had from so much coughing. “It’s good.” He murmured when he took a break before finishing off the last of the tea.

Hawke took their empty plates and brought them down to the water to give them a rinse before tucking them away in his bag. “If we make good time, we might be able to have a fire tonight. I brought some things we could cook.”

\---

“Good.” He reached over and gave his back a stroke, before getting up and getting ready to go. He packed Fenris’ bag for him and brought it over to him when he was done. He ignored what Hawke had to say, focusing his attention on his beloved elf. “Let’s get a move on.”

\---

The elf took his bag and took the opportunity while he was so close to steal a kiss from Anders. He took up his sword as well, settling it on his back though it didn’t feel as weightless as it normally did. “I’m ready.”

Hawke nodded, signifying that he was ready as well, though he knew neither of them cared that he was. He fell in beside Fenris, though he kept some space between them like he had the night before, letting Anders lead the way.


	13. Chapter 13

Fenris was pleased with himself that he got through the day without being carried and had managed to keep pace. It was only as the light was starting to fade that he was beginning to lag behind. His coughing had been greatly reduced by the tea, but after spending the day on his feet, it was beginning to catch up to him again. He was determined to keep going until it was time to make camp, but exhaustion was settling into him quickly. He was so focused on moving forward quickly that he lost his footing on some loose rock he’d been walking across and he went down hard, scarcely getting his hands in front of him to keep from getting a face full of rocks.

The sudden drop startled Hawke, who had been lost in his thoughts as they’d walked in silence. He knew Anders would be closer to him and able to help more quickly, but he still rushed over just the same. “Are you alright, Fenris? Can I take your sword for you?” He asked and when he got a nod from the other, he took it from the elf’s back.

\---

“Fenris!” Anders was at his side in an instant, crouching beside him and taking hold of one of his arms to help brace him. Before he could do anything more, the rogue joined them and he watched him mistrustful as he tried to help, but knowing that it was the least he could do and that the elf needed the relief, he didn’t intervene.

Truth be told, he was surprised that Fenris was being as tolerant of him as he was, but then he hadn’t told him what he’d discovered.

“Are you hurt?” he murmured, trying to help him straighten up to his knees. He could just as easily use magic to determine that, but it was better for both of them if he just allowed him to answer and took it from there.

\---

Hawke took the bag from him as well and when he saw how shaky the elf was when Anders got him up onto his knees, he used a hand to brace him from the other side to help keep him steady.

Fenris leaned toward Anders, not wanting Hawke to touch him but needing the support at the moment as unsteady as he was. “Just a few scratches. I’m alright, Amatus.”

\---

“We’ll take care of those and I’ll carry you.” He ran his hand up his back and threaded his fingers through his hair. “You should have told me you were feeling weak, but that’s okay. I’ll take care of you.” He reached for his hands and pulled them in so he could take care of the scrapes on his palms.

\---

Fenris let him mend the scrapes, no longer flinching from his magic as he had been the first night. “I thought I could make it until we camped.”

“We can probably camp soon.” Hawke reached into his own bag and pulled out a waterskin, offering it to the elf. “Here, take a drink. You’re probably a little dehydrated.”

Fenris had been taking drinks of water on their few breaks, but he found that he was very thirsty. So much so that despite the uneasy look he gave the rogue making the offer, he reached for the skin and took a deep drink from it.

\---

Anders frowned as Hawke continued to butt in, but it was clear that at least for now he meant well. He didn’t doubt he was just trying to regain their trust… for whatever reason. Since he wasn’t actively trying to hurt his elf, he would let it be. He continued to stroke his hand up and down his spine. “I don’t want you to push yourself. If you keep pushing yourself this hard, it’ll take much longer for you to mend.”

\---

“I can mend when we’re someplace safe.” He said after he’d finished swallowing down the water and handing the skin back to the rogue. “Right now I want to get you as far away from Kirkwall as we can and as quickly as we can. Once we’re settled, I’ll be happy to go back on bed rest until I’ve recovered.”

\---

“Then let me carry you, silly.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to his temple. “Come on, we can make it a little further before we settle down.” He started to rise up, coaxing him with and taking his weight. As he did so, he slipped his bag off of his shoulder and held it out to the rogue to take.

\---

Hawke was happy to take it and when Fenris was on his feet, he moved in closer to help give the elf a boost onto Anders’ back. Fenris settled into the position he’d been in the night before, his arms clasped loosely around him and his head on his shoulder. He didn’t think he’d fall asleep as he had the last time, but it was a huge relief to be off his feet.

\---

Anders glanced at Hawke a final time, before starting forward. His own body was tired and his feet aching, but it was nothing new to him, use to being on his feet all day, so while the extra weight made it worse, it didn’t really bother him. He could do it. “Once we get those horses, you’ll never have to walk again.” That wasn’t strictly true, but he was offering him a fantasy. “You’ll be transported like a - well, not quite like a king, we don’t have enough for a litter - but you’ll be transported like… a gallant knight!”

He’d say that Fenris was a rather gallant knight and the thought made him smile.

\---

“A gallant knight, hmm? That sounds like a good way to travel.” There was a smirk in the elf’s tone. “Until then, you make for a very comfortable mount.” He had fallen asleep quite easily like this the night before, after all. He’d had more experience tending his master’s horses than actually riding them, so he wasn’t sure if it would be quite as comfortable to ride for hours on end, but it would beat walking.

\---

“Only the best for you, love.” There was a little bounce in his step, the light banter doing wonders for his mood. He was relieved that he was well enough to respond in such a way, fully aware of all that he’d gone through going back and knowing that he was traumatized, even if he didn’t show it. It was probably even worse than what he was imagining, as much as it broke his heart to accept that.

\---

“You are the best for me.” Fenris pressed a kiss to the side of Anders’ neck. He hoped they would stop for the night soon, only for Anders’ sake. He knew he was more than strong enough to carry him, but he also knew he had to be getting tired.

Hawke kept his eyes forward, a bit of jealousy twisting at his stomach listening to them. But he was also thinking of Anders and after awhile, he finally spoke up. “I can take him for awhile if you need a rest.”

\---

“I’m fine,” he insisted, though it had been a long day and each step seemed to ache more than the last. “We’re making camp soon anyway.” He could last and as helpful as Hawke was trying to be, he still didn’t want him touching him. He knew better than to think that he’d actively harm him in front of him, but it still rubbed him wrong.

\---

“I think I hear water up ahead. It might be a good place to stop for the night.” Hawke mused, not surprised that he'd been turned down again. He noticed that the elf was quiet and when he glanced to him, he saw that he was dozing lightly against his shoulder. “I've never seen him sleep before. Now I've seen him do it two days in a row.”

\---

“He’s been through a lot.” It was said simply enough, but there was an undertone of accusation in it. He couldn’t help but notice that though it was true, he seemed to be recovering faster this time. When he’d first met him, it had taken so long to warm him up, but it seemed all of the effort they’d put in together hadn’t been dashed aside, even despite the worst thing that could have happened happening.

Fenris knew he was safe with him and it meant everything to him.

\---

“I know he has. If Danarius ever comes near him again, I'll kill him myself.” Though he hoped to never encounter him again, since the magister recognizing him would be incredibly damning. He expected the elf to say so, but it seemed Fenris was far enough under that he didn't so much as raise his head to give the rogue a dirty look. His arms just continued to slowly loosen around Anders and his breathing was slow and steady against the mage’s neck, broken up only by occasional, weak coughs.

\---

“Whatever you say.” He glanced over at him, but shook his head to himself and continued along. When they came to the water, as with the previous day, he found a plush looking spot to lay him down. He did so gently and when he had him on his back, he quickly pulled out the pillow and blanket to make him as comfortable as he could. “There we go.” He didn’t want to wake him, so he was quiet and gentle as he helped him settle in.

\---

Fenris wasn't as deeply asleep this time and his eyes had fluttered open when he was moved. But he saw Anders was tending to him and immediately went back to sleep, knowing he and his love were safe.

Hawke rummaged in his bag, pulling out a bag full of rice and seasonings, pre-packed for such adventures. “I can make some soup tonight. It might help him feel a little better if he wants to wake up to eat.”

\---

“Okay.” If he wanted to, all the better. “I’m going to go clean up.” He was a bit of a mess and he hadn’t had a chance to properly put himself together since he’d been broken out of the Gallows. With a final stroke to the Fenris’ cheek and an uncertain look at Hawke, he moved away from both of them to make his way to what was yet another stream, though this one was closer to a river than the last.

He tested the water with a hand and found it unsurprisingly cold, but that wasn’t a huge issue for him and all it took was some magic after he stripped out of his clothing and stepped in to make it tolerable. Not ideal, but tolerable.

\---

Hawke watched him go, then set about making a cooking fire. He made it close enough to Fenris to get some heat from it, taking a moment to appreciate that Anders trusted him enough to leave him alone with his ‘beautiful elf’.

He got the meat cooking over the fire, then took a cooking pot to the stream to get water for the soup. He'd hoped he'd find the spot Anders had chosen to bathe and though he didn't, he could see the mage from where he stood on the bank, watching him with an absent longing as he crouched to collect the water.

\---

His back was to the rogue and so it took awhile for him to feel the eyes on him. When he did, he turned his head, glancing behind him out of the corner of his eyes. He saw him crouched in the distance and he quickly whipped around, realizing who it was as he did so. He sucked in a breath of relief, which was odd in of itself, before the situation sank in. He felt suddenly insecure and he held his arms in front of him, as if to hide his bare body, though only having to cover his torso with his waist beneath the waterline as it was.

\---

When he was caught, Hawke pulled the pot from the water, though it had been filled for quite awhile and he'd just been watching Anders. The way he'd covered himself prompted Hawke to give him a sheepish smile before he turned to head back to the campfire to start boiling the water.

\---

He watched him go and when he was gone, he sank a little deeper into the water. For a time he just sat there, letting the cool water run past him, warmed by his magic. It was a while later that he returned to the fire, looking clean and refreshed. He’d even cleaned up his robes a little, since they had more dirt than he usually let them accumulate.

He remained quiet, sitting close to his elf and watching him sleep.

\---

The beef was fully cooked and he added it to the mixture of soup, pulling it further from the heat and stirring it. He was thinking about the way Anders had looked in the water, remembering times they'd bathed together in streams when they snuck away from the party on missions. Hawke was lost in his fond memories when Fenris cried out suddenly, startling him enough that he sloshed a bit of soup out of the pot. He looked over to see the elf trashing in his sleep and trying to get out from beneath the blanket. He was instantly relieved that Anders had been here to witness that he hadn't done anything to the warrior, but he still hoped he wouldn't be blamed for whatever this was.

\---

Anders recognized it for what it was immediately and he was at his side without any hesitation. “Fenris,” he murmured, pulling him up into his arms, risking being struck while he was still in the middle of his nightmare. “It’s alright, love, I’m here.” He tried to coax him awake with a firm, but soothing stroke along his arm.

—

Fenris screamed something in Tevene, shoving weakly at Anders to try to break free of his hold. His breathing was ragged and hot tears started to roll down his cheeks as he tried to fight off a man who was only present in his dream. Hawke pulled the soup from the heat and moved to them but kept a little distance from the thrashing elf. “Can I do anything to help?”

\---

“A damp rag.” He stroke his arm a few more times, before reaching for his face and pulling him into his chest, fingers becoming wet with his tears. “Wake up, Fenris, I have you.” He rocked him, knowing waking would probably be even harder than the nightmare itself.

—

Hawke was quick to do as he was told, finding a rag in his supplies and dampening it with some water from the skin he  carried. He brought the waterskin along with the rag to Anders, thinking he might want to give Fenris a bit to drink when he woke. The elf seemed to be coming around, no longer actively shoving at the mage. Instead his fingers curled into his robes, starting to cling to him as his screaming quieted to sobs.

\---

He continued to coo to him, calm and soothing and clearly experienced with this. He took the rag when it was brought to him and used it to start wiping away the tears and the heat away from his face, knowing it would help him feel better.

“You’re not there. You’ll never go back there. You’re here with me, my beautiful elf.”

—

It took a little while for him to open his eyes and when he did, they immediately found Anders. He murmured something in his native tongue through his tears, reaching up to stroke his face tenderly. He was with Anders and he was safe.

Hawke looked rattled, his hands a little shaky as he offered the waterskin to Anders. He'd never seen the elf quite like that and it make his stomach churn with guilt in a way that made him feel a little ill.

\---

He offered him a smile, though he was hurt to see this. He wasn’t surprised, even though he’d felt proud of the fact that he’d held it together so well. He’d known it wouldn’t last forever and he understood that these kinds of nightmares were entirely out of his control. “It was just a nightmare, everything is okay.”

He saw the waterskin being offered to him out of his periphery and he took it without looking away from the man in his arms. He lifted it to his lips and tipped it carefully, helping him take a drink.

“Dinner will be ready soon, doesn’t it smell really good?”

—

Fenris took the water eagerly, his tears starting to ease as he oriented himself to his environment though he was trembling. He looked down at himself when he was finished, seeming to check for  wounds that weren't there, then back up to Anders. “He was going to take my memory. He was going to take you from me.” He murmured as he gathered himself enough to speak in a language his Amatus could understand. As the question sank in and he breathed in deeply, he nodded. “It does smell good. Is that beef?”

“Yeah, I put some in the soup. We need to get your strength back, after all.” Hawke said, though his voice was a bit tight. He moved back to the fire, deciding he'd best give them some space and finish up dinner.

\---

Anders’ eyes flicked to Hawke briefly, but he gave him no further acknowledgement than that. He was back to wiping off Fenris’ face with the rag, keeping him cool and clean. “He didn’t. I’m right here and I’m staying with you.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, stroking the fingers of his free hand through his hair.

“We’ll make sure your belly is nice and full before we go to sleep.”

\---

His forehead and cheeks were hot to the touch, though whether it was from fever, being upset, or both, it was hard to say. He shook his head. “I’m not going back to sleep. He was there and he was going to take my memory again. He was going to make it so I never knew you. I slept enough, I’m not going back there again.”

\---

“You won’t go back there, not if I’m with you.” Laying with him had always helped with his nightmares. It didn’t completely get rid of them, but it did reduce the frequency of them and with enough time, they’d happened only rarely. “Remember? You’ll dream about our vineyard.” He traced a finger along his jaw and over the lines in his chin.

\---

That was enough to make up his quirk up slightly. “I would much rather dream of our vineyard.” He straightened up in his hold enough to press some soft, needy kisses to his lips. “I’ll stay up and watch you sleep tonight. I can use the time to appreciate how fortunate I am to still have you and remember all that we have.”

\---

“No.” He had to put his foot down. “You’re weak and you need to rest - I’ll have to carry you even further tomorrow if you don’t give your body the rest it needs.” Even as he argued with him, he returned the kisses, speaking between them so they there wasn’t a loss of contact.

\---

“I don’t want you to have to carry me tomorrow.” Whether he slept or not, he worried it would happen. He wanted to be able to keep up and he didn’t want to burden Anders any more than he had. Even if he never complained, he knew his mage was weary from the travel even without his extra weight. Rather than concede that he would at least try to sleep, he put his effort into giving him longer kisses instead.

\---

Rather than respond, he met the kisses and eventually deepened it, his tongue seeking entrance to his mouth. He missed their intimacy and they’d only really given into it once since he’d returned, so he found himself seeking a little bit of it while he was caught up in what they were doing.

\---

He closed his eyes, parting his lips to allow him inside. He met his tongue eagerly, quickly forgetting the details of his nightmare as he let himself get lost in the kiss, his arms draping around the mage’s shoulders.

Hawke was nearly finished with their meal and looked over to tell them so. When he saw the two of them caught up in each other as they were, his cheeks darkened and he looked quickly back down to his work, his stomach roiling with jealousy. It was almost a refreshing change from the guilt. He rummaged in his bag to find bowls for them, deciding he’d fill them and let them start cooling while the other two had their fun.

\---

He was completely caught up in it and though he knew they weren’t alone, he wasn’t thinking about that. He kissed him deeply for a long time and when he that wasn’t quite enough, he broke it to move his mouth to his neck, his tongue slipping out to brush over his the lines of his neck.

\---

As soon as he felt the tongue trace the lines of his skin, he began to glow for him, wanting to reward him for seeking out his lyrium. He stroked his fingers through his hair, pressing his body as close to him as he could. This was his reality, not the Tevinter he’d been dreaming of. Only Anders.

\---

He made a sound, his tongue and lips becoming a lot more intent on his neck. He began to suck, burying himself into it and taking the comforting sensation greedily. It was hard not be greedy with this, it always had been, but especially now while he wasn’t use to it anymore.

\---

“Amatus…” He murmured, tilting his head back to give him more access to his neck. He was happy to let him take all that he wanted from the lyrium in his skin, also getting a great deal of comfort just from the attention.

Hawke glanced over at them again and reddened a deeper shade at the sight. He poured their bowls of soup back into the pot, deciding it was best to keep it warm near the fire since the two of them might be at this for awhile.

\---

As predicted, it took a long time for him to get enough of this. He licked and sucked, going so far as to leave dark marks all over his neck. His breathing had picked up, but the awareness that lingered in the back of his mind stopped him from going further and eventually, stopped him all together. He pulled back, licking his lips and meeting his gaze with a warm, undeniably lusted look.

\---

Fenris met his gaze, his own breathing a little faster. He didn’t have any mind for their audience, moving right back in to kiss him once he’d pulled away. He started trying to climb into his lap, his hand slipping down the collar of his robes to stroke the bare skin below.

\---

“Fenris,” he breathed against his lips, his cock perking as he felt the weight of him moving in on top of him. They weren’t alone and he couldn’t let this go further, so he started to ease him back, but then stopped.

Who was he being so considerate of?

“...Hawke, go take a walk.”

\---

“Yeah, I uh…” He’d hoped they were done, but clearly they weren’t. The rogue pulled the cooking pot a little further from the fire, wanting it warm without actually cooking the food inside any further. “I think I’m going to go take a bath. For awhile.” He got up and quickly made his way down to the stream, wanting to get out far enough that he wouldn’t have to hear the pleasure Fenris would take in his Anders.

He’d stayed out until he was chilled to the bone by the water, shaking like a leaf and desperately needing to get back to the fire. He slowly made his way up the bank, wanting to make sure he didn’t hear any moans, before finally moving close enough to their camp to see its occupants. He was relieved to see that they were dressed, loosely, and Fenris was curled up in Anders’ lap once more, cuddled close to him and looking extremely satisfied. “...So, um...are you two hungry?”

\---

Anders glanced up when the rogue returned, looking as he always did after they’d shared their passions together. The only difference was when he looked at him, there wasn’t the love and affection that normally filled his gaze. At most, he was lacking the hostility that had been in him lately. “Yes, he needs to eat.” He was more worried about making sure his elf ate than himself.

\---

The hurt in Hawke’s eyes was obvious, but he nodded and even tried to smile. “Of course he does.” He moved back to his cooking pot and filled their bowls once more, taking two over to them. Fenris took his but made no move to get off of Anders, just shifted over a bit to make it a little easier for his mage to eat.

\---

Any other time, he would have ignored him, but his eyes lingered on him this time and watched him closely as poured the stew into their bowls. He took his, still watching him, and after a few moments, he spoke. “Thanks, Hawke.” He left it at that, but he was still lacking the hostility he’d had towards him.

\---

Hawke nodded and went back to sit by the fire. He wasn’t especially hungry anymore, but he knew he needed to keep his strength up for the travels ahead. He did more stirring of his soup than actually eating it, but it was very tasty and he was able to take a handful of bites.

Fenris was far more enthusiastic, eating the beef and rice from the soup, then drinking what was left of the broth and spices from the bowl. It left him pleasantly full and warmed his belly, though he still felt himself a bit tempted to ask if there was any left in the pot so he could have a bit more.

\---

He turned his attention to his own meal and worked his way through it steadily. It was really good and by the time he finished, he sighed in contentment. He felt really good and with so many needs taken care of, he was ready to sleep. “All full?” he asked Fenris, wanting to make sure he was just as content before they settled down.

\---

The elf nodded, he was full. But he still had to ask. “...Is there any more?” He just wanted to completely gorge himself before he laid down again.

Hawke still had some of his own left and he nodded, moving to Fenris to take his bowl. He put what was left of his bowl as well as what was left in the cooking pot. He took his over to Fenris, then moved back to his bag to lay down, deciding he’d deal with the dishes in the morning when he felt a little better about things.

\---

Anders’ eyes went back to Hawke, but this time they didn’t linger for long. He stroked Fenris’ back while he ate, patiently waiting for him to finish and when he was done, he leaned in to kiss his ear. “Time for bed.” He set his bowl aside and pulled him over to the pillow so they could share it.

“I want you to get some sleep.” He didn’t want him staying up all night and he was hoping that if he stayed in his arms, he would be able to sleep unfettered.

\---

“I will try.” He didn’t want to go back to sleep. But he did want to lay down and he settled onto the pillow eagerly with him. He was very content with such a full belly and he nearly thanked Hawke, but decided against it. As confused as he was about this whole situation, he wasn’t feeling grateful to the man who’d caused him to starve in the first place.


	14. Chapter 14

It seemed that the elf had succeeded because when Hawke woke the next morning, Fenris looked to be deeply unconscious, his lips parted and his body entirely slack. The rogue rose and gathered their dishes from the night before, taking them down to the stream to wash everything up and to refill his waterskin. He couldn’t get Anders out of his head, that flushed, pleased look on his face without even a hint of the love he used to show him. It hurt and as he scrubbed at the dishes, he found that tears were stinging his eyes.

\---

 

Anders woke a little later, the sounds of the birds waking him as they began to sing their songs. He saw that Fenris was sleeping and smiled, leaning in to give him a careful peck on the lips. “Love you,” he murmured to him, before looking around to see if Hawke was nearby. He didn’t see him, but he did see his bag, so he wasn’t gone.

He wouldn’t have been surprised to find no sign of him.

He rubbed at his face as he eased himself away from his sleeping elf, wanting to get some fresh water for both of them before he woke. As he moved to the river, he saw the rogue washing the dishes - that answered that question - and he, with a great deal of hesitance, moved to join him.

“Morning.”

\---

He startled a little at the sound of the voice, the sound of the stream having muffled his approach. He pulled the dishes from the water and quickly wiped at his eyes. “Morning. I didn’t know you were up.” He said, speaking quickly which only masked his uneven tone a little.

\---

He could see that he was upset and he wasn’t blind as to why. He shifted his weight back and forth, before stepping closer still so he could crouch beside him and start to fill their skins. “I just woke up,” he explained, knowing it was banal small talk, but putting in more effort than he had since he’d read the letter.

\---

“Fenris slept through some of the night. I didn’t sleep that great, but he was only awake the first time I woke up. So he’s been out at least a few hours.” It was also small talk. But if Anders wanted to talk about anything, it would probably be about the well-being of his precious elf.

\---

“That’s good.” For Fenris, anyway. He was happy to hear it and he hoped that he would be feeling better this morning. He didn’t ask why he couldn’t sleep - he already knew. He felt a little bad even though he knew that he shouldn’t, but Hawke hadn’t really done anything to either of them since they’d left Kirkwall and he knew he’d hurt him last night.

\---

“I have a little of that smoked meat and cheese left. Do you want me to cut some more for breakfast? Or do you want something else?” His missions didn’t typically last more than a handful of days, so he didn’t have a ton of food left. But enough to keep them comfortably fed for a little while longer.

\---

“That’s fine. It won’t be much longer until we hit a town and can restock and split up.” He still intended on going separate ways, wanting nothing more than to protect his elf, just them. He still intended to write his letters, but it wasn’t as pressing a need when Hawke wasn’t actively trying to hurt his man.

\---

“I’m not ready to split up. I can help you. I can help both of you.” The tears he’d wiped away were stinging his eyes again at the mention of Anders leaving him for good. “I need you, Anders.”

\---

“You don’t get to decide this.” They would never come to an agreement it seemed, but Hawke couldn’t just decide to stick around. “...This is hard for me too, you know. I never wanted any of this to happen, but I wasn’t given any choice, so I just have to deal with all of this.” None of this was fair, but he knew well that life wasn’t fair. “I know you’re hurt… but you’ve done so much worse.” He’d hurt him in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever recover from.

\---

“I know you think I did something terrible and that I deserve this. But if you can entertain the idea just for a moment that I’m telling you the truth, that Danarius has now ruined my life just as he’s ruined Fenris’, you’d see just how awful this is. That I’ve already lost you and now, you want to make me lose you  in an even more permanent way. I’m not...I’m not ready.” He turned his back to him, not wanting the mage to see him break down, though the shaking of his shoulders gave him away well enough.

\---

“I did entertain that idea!” He’d more than entertained that idea, but then he’d been proven wrong. He watched him turn away and the hot air that had been filling his lungs seeped out, before he sighed. “Hawke…” His voice was softer and he reached out to touch his arm, fingers barely grazing the metal of his bracer.

“Even if you’re telling the truth,” the doubt was clear in his voice, “you don’t want to follow us around. You don’t want to tag along and watch us live our lives. I know that isn’t easy and we both know you can’t spend your life that way.”

\---

“I am telling the truth. I was always telling the truth.” He sounded so sure of it, he could almost convince himself that it was true. “I have to stay close to you. Even it’s just to see you for a few minutes each day. I know you’re happy with him and your world will keep on turning without me. But you’re the love of my life. I need to be somewhere I can at least see that you’re alright.” His voice was thick with his tears, his breathing ragged and uneven.

\---

He felt his throat thickening and his hand closed around his arm, pulling him around. “Maker be damned, Hawke.” His own eyes filled with tears, shaking his head at him. “You have no idea how much I love you, do you? You have no idea how much it hurt me to choose, even before I read that stupid fucking letter.” He gave him a shove at that, but it was a weak thing, expression his emotions that way since he seemed to be struggling actually saying what was on his tongue.

“I can barely hold it together for him, but you’re here and it hurts, Hawke.”

\---

“I know how much you loved me. I know you still did before you read that letter that I should have burned but I was stupid enough to hold onto because I thought I could use contact with that fucking magister to protect my friend Fenris. Now you can barely look at me and you can’t wait to get rid of me so you can spend your life with your beautiful elf and forget all about me.” He moved right back to him after the little shove, needing to be near him even as upset as he was.

\---

He shook his head, unable to believe what he was hearing. “You’re such an idiot.” He didn’t realize that part of the reason that he couldn’t look at him was because of the way he felt. The way he still felt. He still loved him, but he hated him too. He hated him for causing them so much pain and for deceiving them in a way that was cruel and unforgivable.

\---

“I know. I just wish Danarius wouldn’t have done anything to convince Fenris I had something to do with this. This should have been a happy reunion for all of us. Now it’s all fallen apart and we’re on the run from templars.” He moved in a little closer still. “I’m sorry this is such a mess, Anders.”

\---

“You want me to believe that it was just you, but that doesn’t make any sense.” It did enough that he’d argued the very same thing to Fenris, trying to convince him that what he remembered wasn’t real, but thinking about it further, he didn’t think it did. “Why would he turn him against you, hmm? Why wouldn’t he turn him against all of us?” Not just Hawke, but all of his friends. Why didn’t he convince him that it was a set up from everyone that he knew, making sure that he never came back? “How convenient that it was only you, for whatever reason, and that it was only you that got the letter.” He shook his head, not buying it and looking so betrayed as they confronted this issue yet again.

\---

“My name gets around. I might have been the only one Danarius had heard of. Or Fenris was trying to protect you and would only give him my name. I don’t know, Anders. I only know that I saw men dragging what I thought was a lifeless body away that day and that I mourned him. I’m glad you have no idea what it feels like to be accused of something like this by the people you care about most.” He lowered his eyes, pain written all over his face.

\---

He continued to watch him and the defensiveness he’d been running on faded a little. Not completely, but a little. “I wish I could believe you.” If he really hadn’t done this then… it was awful. It was as awful as Hawke said it was, but he couldn’t risk it. The signs pointed to him - not only the letter, but Fenris himself - and even if it went against everything he knew of him and everything he’d shown them, it could all be an act. A desperate act to save himself.

\---

“I wish you could too. You’re throwing me away based on a lie. You’re taking the word of a vicious magister over someone that you’ve known and loved for years.” He wiped at the tears on his face, wishing he could stop them. “I love you so much, Anders. You know how much I care about Fenris too.”

\---

He was quiet, studying him. He’d only ever seen Hawke cry about Fenris, but had it been due to guilt? Or had it been due to the sorrow of a lost friend? A friend that he hadn’t been able to save. He didn’t like seeing him like this and in spite of himself, he softened further. “Even if this is true, like I said, you don’t want to want to stay with us.” It would hurt him even more. “I don’t-... I don’t want to hurt you.”

Even if he did this, he didn’t want to hurt him. He wanted him to get what was coming to him, but he didn’t want to kill him or even cause him pain in repayment. He wasn’t trying to use his relationship with the elf to hurt him, it was just unavoidable.

\---

“Nothing would hurt me more than you leaving me behind. I just need to be near you. If he’s the man you want, fine. I just still want to be able to see you.” It wasn’t fine at all. It was the reason he’d gotten rid of Fenris in the first place. But he couldn’t stand the thought of losing Anders forever. Of never seeing him smile again, even if the smile wasn’t for him. “I need you.”

\---

Even though he didn’t deserve it, Anders reached up and brushed the tears away from a cheek. “That isn’t a life.” He didn’t want that for him. “You’ll find someone else.” He knew that Hawke loved him and that it would take time, but he’d gotten over Isabela and he’d get over him. He’d loved whoever came after and it wouldn’t hurt so much to think about him one day. He hoped the same could be said for himself.

\---

“No.” He leaned into the touch and after a beat, he closed the remaining distance between them, wrapping him up in an embrace. “You are my life. I’m staying with you. Seeing you happy will be enough for me, even if I’m not the one who makes you happy anymore.”

\---

It really was the sweetest thing he’d ever heard, he just wished it wasn’t tainted. He shut his eyes and rather then pull away, he allowed the embrace. He didn’t really return it, but he did place a palm on his side, letting him take his weight for the time being. “Hawke…” He sounded regretful, though about what aspect of this it was hard to say.

\---

“Just let me stay nearby. That’s all I want.” He was relieved not to be pushed away, holding him close even if it wasn’t returned. “I’ll help you with anything you need. I’ll have my own home so you and Fenris will have your own space when you want it. I just need you.”

\---

“That’s not what you want. You won’t be happy - I can’t give you what you want.” He drew back to meet his gaze, not having been this close to him since the night he left him. The same night he’d gone to bed wrapped up in his arms. “I love you, Hawke, even…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it. “You need to start a life somewhere else. Away from Kirkwall, away from everyone we know, you need to start over.”

\---

“No. I can’t. I can’t just start new somewhere.” He shook his head, swallowing down a knot in his throat. “That letter has taken everything from me. I’ve lost my home, my family, my friends. But nothing hurts more than losing you. I can’t lose you completely. I love you and you love me. Just let me be close to you.”

\---

He didn’t know what to say and after long enough, he lifted his arms and embraced him, lowering his head to his shoulder. He was so familiar and there was a comfort in touching him. He knew what Hawke wanted wasn’t possible and soon enough, he would never see him again and that though it was for the best, no matter what he did, it was difficult for him when he was confronted with it like this.

\---

He wept a little harder when he was held, not having expected such a comfort. He buried his face into Anders’ hair, sobbing. Yet his hand began to stroke Anders’ back, so used to comforting the mage even when he was breaking down himself. He needed this and he was so grateful that the elf was still back at camp and quiet, allowing him this moment alone with his love that he so desperately needed.

\---

“Hawke, please…” He could feel his anger and frustration growing, but he knew it wasn’t him and he tried to ignore it. He didn’t know what he could say to him, so he trailed off, his hand lifting to slide his fingers through his hair. The locks were coarser than the elf’s, but they were just as familiar, and he continued, offering him comforts that he needed.

\---

He slowly began to calm beneath his touches, turning his face to give the mage’s cheek a kiss. “I love you so much. I just want to help you. I won’t get in your way, I’ll give you space. Just let me stay.” He couldn't lose him. He couldn’t just go off alone and start over.

\---

He felt sick from this and he didn’t react for a time, not to the kiss and not to what he had to say. “I’m sorry, Hawke.” He sounded regretful and it was clear that he was affected by the state of him. If he hadn’t been crying and pleaded with him, Anders wouldn’t be where he was, standing in his arms. “I’m sorry.”

\---

“Please. Please, just let me stay. I need you. You’re everything to me and I can’t just start some new life without you.” He couldn’t do that. He just couldn’t live alone, imagining Anders and Fenris going on to forget him.

\---

He sighed, looking away from him, his arms loosening. “...Fine.” He wouldn’t make him leave immediately, but he knew that what he was picturing wasn’t going to happen. Even if they stayed together, Hawke would find someone else and he would move on. When he did, everything would be how it needed to be.

“I’m not taking back what I said - if anything happens to him, it’s you that’s paying.” He didn’t feel good threatening him, but he didn’t feel safe not threatening him.

\---

He was so relieved and he found himself pressing another kiss to his cheek. “I know. That’s alright. Fenris is my friend, I’m not going to let anything happen to him. I’ll protect him with my life.” Before he might have entertained the idea of getting rid of the elf again, but not now that Anders thought that he’d betrayed Fenris.

\---

He frowned at him, not looking happy with this development, but still watching at him intently. “I should get back…” He didn’t want Fenris waking without him, but he seemed to be hesitating. He knew there wasn’t anything else to say, but something felt unfinished, he just wasn’t sure what it was.

\---

“Yeah, I need to get breakfast ready for him.” And rewash the dishes since he’d forgotten all about them. He wasn’t in any hurry to let go of him so after hesitating, he gave him a squeeze before finally pulling back. “I won’t make you regret letting me stay. I’ll be good to you and to him.”

\---

He didn’t respond. He remained as he was for a few moments longer, before turning and going back to their camp. He’d forgotten the waterskins he’d taken with him, sitting on the shore where he’d initially crouched. He felt sick and there was only one thing he knew would make himself feel better, so he went to his elf and pulled him up from where he was resting and into his arms.

\---

Fenris mumbled something when he was moved, but didn’t seem to mind. He knew exactly where he was, his arms lazily shifting to drape around Anders. He looked very comfortable in his hold, not ready to wake up just yet but wanting to be in his arms.

Hawke saw the neglected waterskins and when he finished with the dishes, he filled them and carried them back to camp. Without a word, he set them down by Anders and the elf, then moved back to his bag to cut up their breakfast. He wondered if after their talk Anders would still feel the need to swap plates with Fenris.

\---

He glanced up when the waterskins were placed beside them and he murmured his thanks, but quickly turned his attention back his lover. “I love you,” he whispered, stroking his fingers through his hair, rather aware of how different it felt from Hawke’s after just running his fingers through it. He wasn’t trying to wake him, but was giving him his love and affection to make himself feel better.

\---

Fenris stretched a little and sighed, his lips quirking up slightly. He mumbled in Tevene, his fingers curling into Anders’ robe loosely.

“Do you want to wake him up to eat or leave him be a little longer?” Hawke asked quietly after sitting in silence for awhile, his eyes fixed on his task as he filled their plates.

\---

“He can sleep as much as he wants.” He wouldn’t wake him. If he slept until the the sun was beginning to descend, then they wouldn’t be getting far that day, that was all. He wasn’t worried about it, since they’d put a lot of distance between themselves and Kirkwall - he didn’t think they would follow them this far and even if they did, he didn’t think they were that close.

\---

Hawke nodded, but imagined that he would wake him before long. He purposely gave the biggest portion to Fenris, then handed one of the more modest plates to Anders and kept the other for himself. “If he doesn’t want to wake up today, we could make him a litter. Carry him around like a king like you were talking about.”

\---

He snorted, not taking the suggestion seriously at all. “I don’t think he’d enjoy that.” It would be simplest if they could just get those horses. “We’ll be at a town soon enough.” He began to nibble what was on his plate, still looking down at his elf. He knew Fenris had liked to watch him sleep and with their positions reversed, he understood why.

\---

“That’s true. But not if he doesn’t wake up. He wouldn’t mind being carried in a litter if he sleeps through the whole experience.” He worked on his own plate, sad that it was the last of the smoked meat, but knowing he could buy more soon. If the elf was sluggish and didn’t want to go far today, that was fine with him. He’d have more time before they got to town to prove to Anders that he could stay with them.

\---

“I’m not in a rush.” He traced a finger along his jaw, admiring him. He was right, he felt better while he was focusing all of his attention on him. “We can take our time until he feels better.”

\---

“I’m not either. I just want you to feel safe.” Safe as they could be on the run, anyway. He’d keep a closer watch and he’d protect his mage if any templars came sniffing around. “If we can give him some time to rest, he’ll probably feel better sooner.”

\---

“I’m not worried about myself.” He was more worried about Fenris, knowing that there were people after him. He knew that Danarius had a lot of power and wealth and he could keep sending people after his elf for the rest of his life. They would have to remain on their toes so the could both remain safe.

\---

“No, but I’m worried about you and so is Fenris. We’re not all that far from the danger that’s after you.” He took another bite of cheese, looking down to the sleeping elf. “I don’t think they’ll have been able to track us this far. But we still have to be careful.”

\---

“We’re being as careful as we can.” There wasn’t much else they could do. “I’ll carry him if I have to, but not until he wakes up.” He finished up what he’d been given and set the plate aside. “What we need to decide is where we’re going.” They hadn’t gotten that far and it was hard to say what would be best for them. He knew what Fenris wanted and what he himself wanted, but he also knew what he needed to do.

\---

“It doesn’t really matter to me.” He said as he finished his last bites of breakfast and set it aside. “I can start over anywhere. I just have to be with you. We’ll go somewhere safe for you and for Fenris.”

\---

He hummed, not really acknowledging what he had to say, since they’d just talked about all of that at the stream. Truthfully, Hawke’s opinion didn’t matter. This was what he and Fenris wanted and they would do whatever that ended up being. He was content to leave it at that and to hold his elf until he woke.

\---

It was after noon that the elf finally woke, startling a little but immediately recognizing the safety of Anders’ arms. He groaned and turned his face from the sunlight, using his mage’s robe as as shield for his eyes as he adjusted to the light. He wasn’t used to waking in the afternoon with the sun directly overhead. “Amatus?” He asked, a little disoriented.

\---

Anders had been content to stay where he was and when Fenris began to wake, he smiled down at him. “Morning, love.” It was past morning, but he saw no reason to alter the greeting. “How are you feeling?” Better, hopefully.

\---

“I feel better. Very hungry, though.” Fenris murmured, returning his smile in his own sleepy way.

“I’ve got you covered.” Hawke piped up from where he’d been sharpening his blades. He brought the plate of food he’d prepared much earlier and handed him one of the waterskins as well before moving back to give them space.

\---

He took the plate for him and held it out to where he could reach. “Go on, eat up.” He felt a lot of warmth from that smile alone and his own grew. He pressed a kiss to his forehead, letting his nose brush through his bangs, before straightening.

\---

He took pieces from the plate Anders held for him, eating his breakfast eagerly. He wasn’t worried about the food coming from Hawke, knowing that Anders would have kept an eye on him that morning. The kiss made him look up to his love with a smile, finding this to be a very pleasant way to wake up even if he’d accidentally slept through half of the day. He was unaware of the rogue busying himself with packing up his things, hoping they could get moving soon now that the warrior had finally stirred.

\---

“You ready to get moving?” he asked, though he still wasn’t in a rush. “If you want to take a bath, we can wait.” He could use one, certainly, but if he didn’t want to take one, then it could wait.

\---

“I need one. We might not be lucky enough to rest by a stream again tonight.” He sounded a little uncertain. “I don’t want to linger too much longer though, it’s late in the day and we should get moving.”

Hawke considered suggesting that they just try to follow the stream relatively closely for the rest of the day so they could cover more ground. But he also didn’t want to risk frustrating Anders by seeming impatient with the elf slowing them down, so he just finished getting his things together and watched them to see what they would do.

\---

“I’ll help you. We can make quick work of it that way.” He helped him get a drink of water, before starting to pull him to his feet. “We’ll be back in a bit,” he told the rogue, before tugging him to the stream.

\---

“Alright, I’ll finish packing.” Hawke said, deciding he could pack up their pillow and blanket while they were busy with that to save time. Fenris clung to Anders’ arm as he walked down to the bank of the stream with him, not because he needed the support but just because he wanted to be close to him. When he reached the water, he started to strip, tossing his clothes onto the bank. The tunic and trousers felt natural enough to him after the time Anders had spent getting him used to them, even after being back in Danarius’ home for so long. But he’d never adjusted to shoes and he was pleased to be without any, finding the damp sand by the stream soothing on the soles of his feet after all of the walking they’d done the day before.

\---

Since he was going to help him, he stripped out of his robes as well, taking his hand and pulling him into the water. “I already took a bath yesterday, so we’ll get you in and out.” He was using his magic to warm the water, standing so it flowed past him, heated, and then flowed past the elf. He started to run his hands over his body, using his palms to loosen the dirt and sweat on his skin.

\---

Fenris shivered in the water, his skin still pulled tightly over his bones since he’d only been eating heartily for such a short time. But the magic helped quickly and his shaking slowed to a stop, the temperature much more tolerable with Anders’ help. He dipped low into the water, wetting his hair and using his fingers to work the water through his locks while Anders rubbed his skin clean. It wasn’t as good as the mage bathing him at home, but it was still nice and soothing in its own way.

\---

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured to him, dipping into the water to work his thighs, looking up at him as he did so. “I can’t stop touching you.” He’d held him all morning and lavished him the kind of attention that Hawke use to give him. The kind of attention that was for his own benefit, even as he comforted him and took care of him.

\---

“I’d never want you to stop touching me.” He moved a hand from his own hair to slide his fingers through Anders’ instead, seeming to forget that he was supposed to be washing his hair. “You’re so perfect.” He’d missed every little thing about him while he’d been gone and he couldn’t get enough now that he was back.

\---

“Hardly.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss just above his navel, his hands sliding back to give his ass a groping that could barely  pass as cleaning. “I have to wash all of you,” he explained, as he pulled his hand back in and found him to squeeze. He started rubbing him, pretending that the motion was innocent.

\---

He smirked at his teasing, considering that part of him had gotten a thorough cleaning the night before. He groaned under his breath, pressing his hips into the touch, his cock perking from the attention as he watched him. “Of course you do. You’ve always been so thorough…”

\---

“No sense is cleaning up if you’re not going to clean everywhere.” He wrapped his fingers around him, squeezing and running his thumb along a particularly sensitive spot. As he did this, the hand on his ass slid in and he ran a finger between the valley of his cheeks.

\---

“Amatus…” He breathed down, giving a little throb when Anders rubbed the spot that he’d always liked. He knew just where to touch him. He completely abandoned what he’d been doing, both of his hands in the mage’s hair while he was worked.

\---

Since he seemed to take it well, the finger between his cheeks stopped at his entrance and he began to rub it slowly. He didn’t add any pressure, rather he just refamiliarized himself with that tempting area. Since he couldn’t move any lower in the water without going under, he began to occupy his mouth with the skin in front of him, kissing and sucking on the wet skin of his torso. All the while the hand on his cock stroked slowly beneath the water.

\---

It wasn’t until his entrance was touched that he began to tense a little. But his eyes were locked on Anders and he trusted him. He knew he wouldn’t hurt him. He began to glow in the water, giving him a little more to suck on and he groaned softly, rocking his hips lightly into the strokes.

\---

He moved no further with his finger, just rubbing him intently. He licked along the lines around his navel, clearly wanting to go lower. A simple solution would be to move out of the water, but he wanted to stay where they were and after considering it for a time, he found himself dipping his head underneath and holding his breath so he could take him into his mouth and suck and bob his head on him.

\---

He was surprised when he sank beneath the water and he gasped to feel the heat of his mouth in contrast to the cool water they were standing in. His breathing picked up and he stroked his hair beneath the water but he didn’t grip it, not wanting Anders to feel pressured into holding his breath too long beneath the water.

\---

It was difficult and at first, he had to stop what he was doing with his hands to focus on not drowning, but before long, he was surfacing to take in a gasping breath. He looked up at him, face dripping, with a cheeky smirk, before he sank back down to resume what he was doing. This time, he was able to keep his finger moving, rubbing the wrinkled flesh and adding pressure. He wasn’t going to penetrate him, but he wanted him to feel like he might and he wanted him to want him to.

\---

He didn’t want Anders to have to work too hard at this, but he could see that he was enjoying himself. His mouth was so good and it was a wonderful distraction from the slight anxiety the pressure was giving him. He started to shiver a little, but he also found himself parting his thighs a little, instinctively inviting his love inside as he had so many times before Danarius had taken him back.

\---

He could feel the change. It made his muscles twitch towards a smile, pleased to get what he wanted and to know that he wanted it. He still wasn’t going to do it, but when he surfaced again, taking another gasp, he lifted himself up enough to steal a kiss from his lips. “Does it feel good, love?” He wanted to continue, but he wanted to make sure that he liked the thrill of being sucked beneath the water.

\---

“Yes.” He was a little breathless and he stole another kiss from him. “I just don’t want you to drown for my pleasure.” His cheeks were red and he looked pleased but also a bit sheepish, much as he had when their relationship was young and he was just exploring his sexuality with Anders.

\---

“Maybe I want to drown for your pleasure.” He nipped his lip, then sank back down, making the water slosh around them. He didn’t care how many times he had to surface, he was going to swallow him like this. He sucked him eagerly, managing to keep the water out of his mouth for the most part, warming his cock every time his lips wrapped back around it.

\---

The novelty of being in the stream and the uneasy desire for the finger teasing him were enough to keep Anders from having to surface too many more times. His body arched in the water and his hips began to shake, signaling his end in the way his moans couldn’t convey to Anders beneath the water. His fingers tangled into his hair and his hips gave a couple bucks that he was barely able to control as he spilled heavily into his mouth.

\---

He was nearing the end of a breath when he began to spill and in order to swallow all of it, he had to let it go until he was lightheaded. He gasped as soon as he broke the surface and he wrapped his arms around him, letting him take his weight. “You taste so good,” he informed him, still panting for air, his own cock thick and pressed into him.

\---

“That was incredible…” He showered his face with kisses while they both caught their breath. He reached down for the cock pressed against him, squeezing and stroking him. “We might have to go back to the bank. It won’t be nearly as sexy if I give myself coughing fits trying to suck you under the water.”

\---

The kisses made him smile, but it faded into a groan when he was touched. “...Maybe we should wait.” He wanted it, but he knew that they were being waited on and really, the thought of putting it off was appealing. If he could keep himself aroused, the wait would make the release all the more satisfying.

\---

“You think so?” He stroked him slowly, squeezing him in a place he knew he liked. “It feels like you want it right now. I want to taste you…”

\---

He groaned again, quieter. “I do, but… imagine how much I’ll want it if we wait.” He didn’t know why he was talking about doing this to himself, but the day was already half over - it wouldn’t take that long. Only a handful of hours. He kissed him, a lot more heated than any kiss he’d given him since they’d gotten into the river. “You’d have to keep me hard though.”

\---

“I could do that…” It might make things awkward for their third wheel. But really, he didn’t care how Hawke felt about it. “I’ll make it worth the wait if you insist on waiting.” That was, of course, if he didn’t fall asleep on their walk as he had been lately.

\---

He liked the sound of that, so even though he knew this would be uncomfortable - miserable, even - he wanted it. It would be worth it. “Just don’t be too obvious.” He didn’t want Hawke to be aware of what they were doing. He pulled away from him, stepping out of the water, his cock straining and dripping water. He went to his robes and pulled them on - his robes were thick enough that it wasn’t especially obvious, but there was definitely something of interest there. He adjusted himself beneath them to help hide it and when all was said and done, he looked much like himself, except with damp locks, still pulled up into his usual ponytail.

\---

 Fenris followed him out of the water, chilled now that the heat of his pleasure was fading, and was quick to dress himself. “If you want it to be subtle, you might have to carry me at least part of the way…” He didn’t want him to have to carry him. But in the interest of teasing his love, it was probably the best option.

\---

“Or we can just have Hawke scout ahead.” Not that he minded carrying him, but there were a few ways they could keep him going. It might become pertinent for constant contact, though, if he went long enough without, and then he could carry him the rest of the way. The idea of this was exciting him and his cock was already throbbing with need, looking forward to walking in a way that he hadn’t since they left.

\---

“We could do that as well.” He wouldn’t have to make Anders take his weight in that case. He moved to him, pressing a kiss to his lips and giving him a squeeze through his robes. “Then I don’t have to be quite as subtle.”

\---

There was lust in his eyes as he was touched and he had to keep himself from pressing closer. “Let’s get moving.” He took his hand and pulled him back to camp. He could see that Hawke had put everything away and that he was ready to go, so he grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder. “Ready?”

\---

“Ready.” Hawke had been pacing around and looked so relieved to be going. He picked up Fenris’ bag and sword, deciding he would carry them from the start instead of letting the elf do it until he got too tired. Fenris didn’t seem to mind, having only eyes for Anders as they began to leave their camp behind.

\---

“We’ll head that way.” He nodded in the direction they’d been heading all along, waiting for Hawke to get moving so he could fall into step behind him. He intended on staying behind him for the duration of that day’s travel, so they could do whatever they wanted without being seen - they would just have to be careful about him glancing back at them.

\---

Fenris walked near Anders, glancing up head at Hawke and hoping he’d move forward to put some distance between them. It seemed Hawke wanted to stay close, content to stay in front of them but not wanting to let them get too far behind. Fenris’ eyes turned back to his lover, dropping his gaze to the bulge he could see in his robes with a hungry smirk, then looking up to him again.

\---

He could feel Fenris’ eyes and he looked at him, catching not only the smirk, but the glance that caused it. It made him throb and the lust in his eyes deepened, it alone enough to keep him wanting.

\---

He closed a bit of the distance between them as they walked, but wasn’t quite close enough to touch him. He murmured something to him in Tevene, knowing he wouldn’t understand the words, but knowing that he’d pick up on the lust in his tone. It was low enough that he doubted Hawke would hear it at all, but even if he did, he wouldn’t understand that he was telling him how badly he wanted to suck him dry.

\---

He didn’t know what he said, but he didn’t have to. He loved hearing him talk like that, especially when he used Tevene to do it. It was thrilling and he could tell what was being said just by his tone. He couldn’t resist dropping a hand to himself and giving himself a squeeze. It was supposed to be Fenris’ job to keep him hard, but they never said he couldn’t ease the ache himself.

\---

He continued to purr to him in his native tongue, telling him that he liked to see him touch himself that way. He glanced up to Hawke to make sure he was moving on ahead of them before he reached down to give himself a rub through his trousers. He was sensitive from Anders sucking him and he drew in a slow breath, watching his mage with lusted eyes as he gave himself a squeeze.

\---

He squeezed himself harder, watching him closely. That wasn’t fair. Seeing him touch himself was so arousing and he knew if he kept this up, it would be difficult to not go too far with this. He licked his lips, before biting down on his lower one, eyes fixed on the elf’s hand. He had enough awareness to glance to Hawke to make sure his back was still to them and assured that he wasn’t, he let go of himself and moved closer still.

“That looks like it feels good,” he murmured to him under his breath.

\---

“It does.” He whispered back, giving himself a slow rub. “You have me feeling so good from the stream. I can’t make you feel good yet, so this will have to do for now…” He knew it would keep his mage yearning until he could get his hands all over him.

\---

“I think you can,” he challenged him, a hand reaching for him to run over his back. It dipped down and he gave his ass a squeeze, his cock throbbing along. It was uncomfortable, but good. A good discomfort.

\---

“Not yet. You wanted to wait.” He teased with a smirk. He took hold of the hand that had grabbed his ass and raised it. He glanced up to Hawke, making sure he was still watching the road ahead, then he ran his tongue slowly up one of Anders’ fingers, then drew it deep into his mouth with a hard suck.

\---

He was being a tease, but he had to be. He’d wanted this and he reminded himself that as he stared at him with unreserved longing while his finger was sucked. He ended up having to drop his other hand down to rub himself, exerting a lot of self control to stop himself from going too far with his stimulation.

\---

He didn’t want to push his luck with getting caught by Hawke so he just gave his finger a few bobs before he kissed the tip of it and released him. He dropped his eyes to watch him rub himself, then looked up to him again and licked his lips. “You sure you can wait a few more hours for me to take care of that?”

\---

“I’m sure.” His body throbbed in disagreement and he forced himself to drop his hand. He turned his focus ahead, knowing he had to let himself cool a little. Not too much, but if he didn’t take a break, then he would be singing a different tune before long.

\---

“Alright. I’ll try to be patient until then.” He could see Anders needed to focus on something else for the time being. He was getting worked up again himself in all of his teasing, but he could wait. He’d give Anders a little time, then begin tempting him again. It was good timing, it seemed, because moments later Hawke glanced back at them before turning his eyes forward again.


End file.
